Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

306 replies

user123345 · 30/04/2017 22:17

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

OP posts:
skerrywind · 01/05/2017 09:03

He was texting her asking him to call her.

Yes, and he probably would have told her about the trip if she had bothered to call. Which she didn't
She couldn't be arsed to communicate so he left.

Seems reasonable to me.

MrsPeelyWaly · 01/05/2017 09:04

OP, perhaps post a new thread on the relationship board as people there wont be inclined to give you a kicking just because you posted in AIBU.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 09:05

Skerry ... I had no reception, if I'd picked up the messages with more than 1% on my phone of course I would have called !!

OP posts:
Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 09:06

Mrs .. thanks for the advice, will do as do feel like I am being hammered !!

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 01/05/2017 09:08

Having a role such as your DH's can be really hard at times. You can fly off at the beginning of the week with itinerary A being in X country and it can all change mid week. People get to know whose wife is not coping well (& as things change with more women having roles involving travel, DHs too) and it does not do them any good at work. MY DH had to go abroad for a few months at a few days notice when DC was very small (I work, so it meant being apart) as another DW wasn't coping with her DH's absence and asked to come home (no big problem like a bereavement / major illness, just missing him / not coping with the DCs without him). He got made redundant a few months later.

LedaP · 01/05/2017 09:09

It really does sound likr hard work.

He messed up. Cant help wonder if he had told you on thursday if you would have still been upset that he told you on a day you were already upset.

He tried to rectify it, he couldnt get through. You forgot your keys, he forgot you didnt have your keys.

This has escalated into you accusing him of having an affair, calling the hotel to find out if he was telling the truth about where he was and accusibg him of lying.

You both sound unhappy. Thats what needs tackling. If that means you go back home, do be it.

But all this drama isnt good for anyone and if dh was texting and accusing me of all sorts i wouldnt be engaging either.

I hate to say it op but i do think there is a chance he avoids telling you stuff because you can be a bit dramatic. The whole 'he was a conference call while me and my parents were crying into G&Ts while the car waited', makes me think that. He didnt miss them leaving. He missed you cryong and drinking.

bebox · 01/05/2017 09:14

Agree with MrsPeely, new thread in Relationships, too many posters are focusing on the minor things here and not looking at the bigger picture.

OnionKnight · 01/05/2017 09:16

You sound like hard work OP and if I was him I'd be pissed off at how much the situation has escalated into you accusing him of cheating. You forget your phone charger etc, he tried to tell you but you are being very dramatic.

oleoleoleole · 01/05/2017 09:18

I think he's cheating.

Potterypots · 01/05/2017 09:18

I don't think it sounds like anythig untoward is going on. If i were your husband id be tired from travelling and not want to deal with this drama. It sounds like a storm in a teacup.

It doesnt sound like you are happy at the moment. From some of your posts it sounds like might be resentful of what you have given up for him. Im guessing his work and travel won't change so if i were you id be considering whether id had enough and wanted to move back to uk.

WhisperingLoudly · 01/05/2017 09:18

I'm confused You're saying that his traveling on a Sunday is unfair but Sunday is a working day where you are right?

Why didn't he want to upset you on Thursday? What had happened? That makes a big difference

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 09:20

Sunday is not a working day here - his weekend is sat/sun

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWaly · 01/05/2017 09:21

Why didn't he want to upset you on Thursday? What had happened? That makes a big difference

The answer to that is in the thread that you didn't read.

kath6144 · 01/05/2017 09:28

whispering - try reading the thread.

Op has explained her DH works Mon-Fri, so Sunday not a normal working day, and also why she was upset on the Thursday (saying goodbye to her parents after a visit).

Op - I think you are being treated badly and need to assess why. Is he controlling, is there more to it? Why didnt he just leave your keys in a safe place, or with the neighbour you mention? I have had flat batteries many time until I realised I needed a top-up charger that could stay in handbag.

If he wont talk, then you need to work out yourself if this is the life you want to live.

LadyLapsang · 01/05/2017 09:35

Like it or not, travelling on Sunday or booking into a hotel for Sunday night so you can take the first flight on Monday is par for the course. Doing some work at the weekend is also not unusual, even for graduates in their 20s. OP, have you thought about going to couples counselling to discuss things? Probably a good idea to sort this out before you decide whether or not to have DCs, because it will get a lot harder if he is away then.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 09:37

Kath if I'm honest I think he is very controlling. It's when I stand up to him and say Oi you were in the wrong he just can't handle it. He never has a positive female or parental relationship in his life so he is used to being his own island so to speak. He does what works for him and sod the consequences. He thinks by the fact he has been involved in designing a nice life for us overseas, he thinks it's all his doing - just because he earns more than me he thinks it's him 100% that has got us to where we are now.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 09:38

I think you think he is cheating

I read the whole thread and from the beginning it sounds like that is your worry

post in relationships and think back on why you think he is cheating based not just on this week but longer term

if he is cheating, by already confronting him, he will have covered his tracks so it will be hard to prove. sometimes it has to be enough to accept you cant prove anything, but dont have to either. are you happy? are you happy together? if not, can you see yourselves happy together? what would it take?

tammytheterminator · 01/05/2017 09:40

Can you say anything positive about him?

If not, then it might be time to let go.

Bananamanfan · 01/05/2017 10:00

I hate this double standard of getting away with terrible behaviour because you are being paid for it. If he is doing whatever he wants with no consideration for you, payment doesn't make it ok. A lot of men make really selfish work decisions that are detrimental to their families & the world pats them on the back for it. Not all of us have that luxury.
If you are not happy, you are not happy. If something feels off, trust your instinct.

kath6144 · 01/05/2017 10:03

As for the keys, mine are with my car keys, but if I am not in the car and I know someone is going to be in when I return, whether from a dog walk or bike ride or such, I wont always take them.

And my teenage DD often doesn't take keys to college if I am going to be in when she returns. This does mean she sometimes forgets them when I am not going to be in. Fortunately we have 2 neighbours with a key, so generally one of those is in.

Given that Ops DH knew she didnt have keys, it is very controlling not to leave any. Whatever the reason for her not having them with her, he was a complete arse not to leave hers somewhere.

And Ops DH saying, see you tomorrow, when he knew full well he wouldn't, I am sorry, but I wouldnt put up with such lack of respect from my DH. We are a partnership, if he pulled a trick like this, I would not want to be in a partnership with him. Why lie to you, all he had to say was sorry, I have messed up dates and have to go Sunday, not Monday. But he chose to lie? Total lack of respect.

notapizzaeater · 01/05/2017 10:12

I think you have lots of problems to sort out when he gets home. I'd ,leave it now, you're both getting pissed off.

I'd buy a huge calendar for him to put his dates on and discuss it when he gets home.

WhisperingLoudly · 01/05/2017 10:23

kath I've read the thread twice but none of it makes sense Confused

OP you seem to have a lot of relationship issues so I'm guessing the travel is just an outlet for those.

SparklyFairyDust · 01/05/2017 10:26

It sounds like there's many many issues, added onto this you have the fact your parents have just left.

His avoidance isn't necessarily a bad thing, a better question would be, what is the purpose of your trip? As depending on what it does he could be waiting on clients, waiting on contractors, waiting on the office to confirm stuff.

Ultimately you don't trust him, that says a lot about your relationship. If you think about it seriously.

EatsLeavesAndShit · 01/05/2017 10:43

Can't believe the kicking you're getting here OP . I second the suggestion to post in relationships, rather than just reading 100 more posts of "but why did you leave your keys at home?"

If my DP had waved me off on Saturday lunchtime saying "have fun! See you tomorrow", then he was already at the airport at 10.30am on Sunday (is that where he tried to ring you from?) I would go ballistic too. It's so deceptive.

Your marriage doesn't sound happy, or like there's a lot of trust or support there.

OutToGetYou · 01/05/2017 10:52

There's a lot of sexism on this thread.

On the one hand a tiny thing means he's having an affair (because, men always are, right?), on the other 'many wives can't cope with their husbands going away and that is known by their employer so they don't get promoted' etc - seriously, WTF??

I think he did it because he's a controlling idiot. Like my ex was (still is, I expect - I note that the conference he went to every year in the US in June has been on the calendar for a month now, whereas in the past I was always told he didn't know the exact dates until a few days before - I knew this was rubbish, you don't book an international conference with thousands of people a few days before - and he did it to 'keep me on my toes').

On the other hand - I trim my pubic hair whenever I feel like it. But was once accused, by text, by the ex, of cheating because when I was going away for work the knickers I quickly grabbed from the drawer when I was packing happened to be black and still have a label on. I was as surprised as anyone that there were brand new knickers in the drawer, but he accused me of buying them specially to wear with another man. It was very upsetting to get that text when I was at work.

All of this is about control, and as it seems to be coming from both sides the whole relationship sounds unhealthy.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread