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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

306 replies

user123345 · 30/04/2017 22:17

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 30/04/2017 23:00

What country has he gone to that's working tomorrow? It's a bank holiday in several countries.

I'm afraid my first thought is Cherchez la femme.

Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 23:01

Confused
Why did he think you'd be upset if he told you on Thursday?

C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2017 23:02

Do you suspect an affair?

Original poster
user123345 · 30/04/2017 23:02

Flight was booked by a guy that's works for him, he likes to travel on the weekend (and get time away from his partner) and booked/arranged for my husband to be away too. It wasn't something that cropped up. He travels such a lot, in the past 2 months he has been away roughly 6 weeks internationally. I can be pretty lonely at times

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/04/2017 23:02

I wouldn't be bothered by this.
He forgot to tell you, (although I'm guessing he tried but your phone was off, not his fault).
You forgot your charger and your keys.
You both forgot stuff. No biggie.

GnatsChuff · 30/04/2017 23:03

Not necessarily deception because he is trying to hide something. Maybe just genuine human error on the best way to handle it. Was there a particular reason he would have worried about causing you more upset on Thursday? Would he have know you were going to be furious and couldn't face the fuss so thought it would be easier to tell you over the phone from a distance.

I am not saying he is right. I am trying to consider how it might have felt from his perspective, when and how to tell you he had got his days wrong to minimise the anger that was going to be directed at him.

Haffdonga · 30/04/2017 23:04

But why on earth wouldn't he have told you when he spoke to you? I just don't get why he was secretive. Confused

HeddaGarbled · 30/04/2017 23:05

You were irresponsible not to take your keys with you. No one I know goes out without their keys. Any unexpected event could occur, medical emergency, family emergency, work emergency, just bad traffic on his way home from somewhere.

Not having phone reception at your venue wasn't your fault (nor his) but letting your phone charge run down was. He tried to contact you but couldn't because of those two things.

However, did he know he was going away before you left? I think that's what you are saying. Bizarre not to tell you. "He didn't want to add more upset to your day" sounds odd and, as you say, evasive.

Did he know you didn't have your keys? If he did, he could have left them with the neighbour and text you to tell you. If he didn't you can't blame him for the locksmith etc.

He's avoiding talking to you because he knows you're going to give him an earful.

Don't bother talking to him while he's away. When he gets home, you need to have a serious talk. You need to know when he's going to be away. If he forgets, he needs to tell you as soon as he remembers. If it happens unexpectedly, he needs to tell you immediately. You never leave the house without your keys.

sadie9 · 30/04/2017 23:06

Oh I suppose you'll get the 'I didn't want to upset you...or...I felt I couldn't tell you because when I tell you things like this you usually....' translates as 'I dodge telling you stuff, and then try to make out it's your fault I do that'.

UniversityGraduation · 30/04/2017 23:06

I wouldn't be bothered by this either. He went to another country for work, he didn't go into space.

It's just one of those things.

Original poster
user123345 · 30/04/2017 23:06

He didn't tell me Thursday as I was really upset. But he has seen me all day Friday and Saturday morning. He was happy for me to be running about doing errands for him Friday for his upcoming trip .... I have to admit it's not stacking up for me especially as he wouldn't answer the phone to me yesterday and would hardly talk this morning as he was late for his meeting !

OP posts:
annandale · 30/04/2017 23:06

It's not his finest hour as a husband but if you felt safe to forget your phone charger and keys (not judging, I do this sort of thing a lot) then he must normally be pretty reliable.

Take a deep breath, do something nice like have a bath or make yourself a meal or something, and let it go.

Possibly influenced by the fact that I so desperately long for time to myself at home alone and never get it!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 30/04/2017 23:08

Jean There are plenty of countries that do not have a bank holiday tomorrow, the US being one.

Original poster
user123345 · 30/04/2017 23:10

He has left his full team's football kit in the laundry ... he is not due back til Friday (no idea when) and he has a game Friday night - do I wash it or leave it and be petty ! Lol

OP posts:
Tenerife2015 · 30/04/2017 23:10

Sounds like you have more issues than what's just happened this weekend. You resent that he has to travel for his job and are taking it out on him. YABU

MuffinMaiden · 30/04/2017 23:11

If he realised on Thursday he had plenty of time to tell you. I'd be livid!

Highfivethatfart · 30/04/2017 23:12

If you know his work schedule maybe call when he isn't trying to get to work and has time to talk - I'm suggesting evening if he works a conventional day or wait until he gets back home and explain how you feel. He's your partner so hopefully you'll be able to tell if he's being shifty and not giving you the whole truth but don't waste your Sunday evening or Bank Holilday dwelling on it ..... Do something for yourself. X

Haffdonga · 30/04/2017 23:14

What do think he was doing, OP?

PopGoesTheWeaz · 30/04/2017 23:14

at first glance I thought this was pretty off of him - to leave the country without telling you -- but reading through I now see that he did tell you he was leaving the country, he just left early.

And when he asked if he could call (presumably to tell you change of plans), you said no.

Sorry, I think you are making a big deal out of not much at all. And considering you couldnt make time to talk to him while you were away, seems funny that you are expecting him to drop everything to talk to you now...

Potterypots · 30/04/2017 23:16

I'm not sure I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. First of all you can't blame him for you not having your keys and he did try to get in touch with you. It's also not his fault that you had no signal or charge on your phone!

If he was on business he might have been travelling and had his phone off. It might also have been difficult for him to call you if he was with his work colleagues at the time.

My husband has had to go abroad for work. I know where he's going but I don't expect a huge amount of contact when he's out there because I know he'll be busy.

C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2017 23:16

Trust you instincts op. Only you know your husband and his usual behaviours.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/04/2017 23:21

I wouldnt take my keys on a hen night if the other person was supposed to be home as I wouldnt want to risk losing them. Its exactly the sort of thing I would lose so I dont think that the OP can be blamed for that.

He said he was going away and then actually left 24 hours earlier without telling the OP the arrangements, I would be fucking fuming too especially if I had organised my time away based on when he would be there. Who knows why he did it but it was pretty bloody shitty to not acknowledge it, not answer his phone and not apologise.

HeddaGarbled · 30/04/2017 23:22

Don't wash the kit.

CotswoldStrife · 30/04/2017 23:24

Why were you upset on Thursday? What had happened then?

I suspect some kind of back story here. Going out without your keys is odd tbh. Perhaps he did realise you didn't have them with you which was why he tried to ring you - but you couldn't answer the calls. Do you often go out without your stuff?

You mention running errands for his trip - did you know that he was going away then? It is just that he left earlier than usual?

If he knew what time he would be leaving then he should have told you but it does sound (to me) as if you were coming back late morning/early afternoon so there was a danger he would have already gone! I'd go for a bit of fault on both sides, he should have told you if he was leaving earlier than usual but you should have taken your keys especially if you knew he was going to be out at some point! Perhaps he just expected you back in the morning (although this is obviously difficult to confirm if he's not speaking to you now Hmm )

KickAssAngel · 30/04/2017 23:24

When you say it's not stacking up for you, what do you mean?

Do you think he decided to head off early for a boozy eve with his work mates and didn't want to tell you? Or do you think he's having an affair?

You knew he was going, but he left a day early and didn't tell you earlier face to face. You suspect he deliberately avoided telling you until it was too late, but why do you think this?

If you'd had your keys & your charger and/or got a signal, then you would have known in advance, though not by much.

Yes, he's been slightly disingenuous and could have communicated better.

I would prob never phone, and rarely text with DH when he's away, although he only travels a few times a year. If he were about to go into a work meting he wouldn't even answer his phone, so for me that wouldn't be an issue once he'd gone. I'd hope he'd apologize for being disorganized and that he may even bring home something nice like chocolates/wine. That would be about the extent of it.

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