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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

306 replies

user123345 · 30/04/2017 22:17

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 11:13

I think she's not getting a kicking, but I'm unsure what she wants to be honest.

They both sound disorganised, I think telling her on thurs when she was upset would have been a mistake, texting her and telling her would have been a mistake, he clearly bottled it and was going to tell her over the phone and then couldn't speak to her.

She thinks he's cheating, he may or may not be, she has no good words to say about him in the slightest, and for me I think they need to sit down and talk. She needs to accept his job or leave if he is unwilling to resign, and he needs to be more open about his work plans when he can be. She needs to be more self sufficient and be contactable, she could easily have borrowed a friends phone and called him when he asked asked her to call, she chose not to and sacked his requests off. Over all I'm not sure either is behaving well.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 11:17

Blunt I did try to call him from my friends phone as soon as he asked could he call - but I thought it was more a morning how is the head type of call ? It went straight to voicemail.

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 11:33

Outtogetyou Your ex accused you of cheating because your knickers were black? ! That's a bit of a 70's view, isn't it? Did you promptly go out and replace your whole knicker drawer with black ones?

metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 11:33

Outtogetyou Your ex accused you of cheating because your knickers were black? ! That's a bit of a 70's view, isn't it? Did you promptly go out and replace your whole knicker drawer with black ones?

Beeziekn33ze · 01/05/2017 11:36

They were also new ones with label on! Oh dear!

StatisticallyChallenged · 01/05/2017 11:42

I think the op is getting far too much of a kicking tbh

When she left home on Saturday her husband said "see you tomorrow" so she didn't take her keys as she expected him to be home, which is reasonable given that he said he'd see her then.

He managed to text her but not to tell her he was leaving. If he'd done that she could have reminded him she didn't have keys and got him to leave them with neighbours.

But taking the keys out of the equation I would still say she has a reason to be utterly fucked off. You don't find out on Thursday that you are going to be leaving on Sunday but still say "see you tomorrow" on bloody Saturday. That's totally not on. It wasn't an accident, he deliberately didn't tell her

The phone is a red herring too, because he shouldn't have been telling her while she was away on the hen night - way to spoil it for her- he should have told her before hand.

OutToGetYou · 01/05/2017 12:01

metalmum and Beezie - yup.

I did mainly tend to wear white knickers but not solely. Black and had the label on. I'd forgotten buying them, they were shoved in the drawer. We'd been away for the weekend and so were a bit behind with laundry.

He said I had 'avoided intimacy all weekend', when in fact we'd had sex twice (he's not someone who can do it again within one evening), he'd then wanted to go back to the apartment in the middle of the day for sex, which I refused because we hadn't had lunch (and in France, you need to eat at the right times as things shut, and I am not good if I miss meals) so that was his definition of me 'avoiding intimacy' over two days. He sulked the rest of the weekend.

Sadly, it still took me over another year too get rid of him. But, I have and although I've not yet moved out it won't be long now.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 12:08

Thanks for all your advice, I have decided that maybe this isn't the right thing for me. Feel really at peace for the first time on a long time Smile

OP posts:
sleepingdragons · 01/05/2017 12:16

OP that sounds positive. Flowers

PaintingByNumbers · 01/05/2017 12:27

wishing you all the best

MrsPeelyWaly · 01/05/2017 12:35

All the very best to you OP, you have a hard road ahead of you but you're going to be more than okay at the end of it. Flowers

melj1213 · 01/05/2017 12:42

Given that Ops DH knew she didnt have keys, it is very controlling not to leave any. Whatever the reason for her not having them with her, he was a complete arse not to leave hers somewhere.

You are making the assumption that her DH knew that as a fact, when he may have just overlooked them while getting his own stuff ready for the trip and not noticed they were still in the house. If he didn't know they had been left how can he ensure they were accessible?

When I was still married to my Ex we might leave our keys at home if we were just nipping to the shop/picking DD up from school or whatever but any kind of longer/overnight trip we always took our keys just in case of emergency/the other not being in when we got home. It would never occur to me that my Ex went out without his keys for an overnight trip, and if he did then he'd probably have messaged to check they were at home and he'd not lost them somewhere when he noticed he didn't have them.

And Ops DH saying, see you tomorrow, when he knew full well he wouldn't, I am sorry, but I wouldnt put up with such lack of respect from my DH.

Again, you don't know that. Perhaps he had assumed she'd be back early and/or that his flight was later than it was so he'd have chance to see her and explain before he left, but then plans changed? So he fully expected to see her the following day but then due to the circumstances he couldn't. There's plenty of times I've said "See you tomorrow/at six" and meant it ... but before tomorrow/six has come around, something else has come up and I haven't made it, not for lack of trying.

I can see it being perfectly feasable that he thought "Right, she should be home by 10ish, I can explain/apologise and then be out of the door to be at the airport by 12 in plenty of time for the flight" unfortunately when OP didn't return at the time he tried to message her, with the idea that speaking on the phone would be the next best thing to face to face ... but the OP had no phone signal and didn't get the message until later. By this point the DH has no alternative but to leave a message as he could not call and his texts were either going unanswered or were not getting through and he needed to let her know he would be gone.

He is not a totally innocent party in this, as he should definitely be communicating his schedule better generally, but in this instance there has been issues on both sides that has contributed to the general miscommunication on this occasion, and OP doesn't seem to be acknowledging that she should take any kind of responsibility for her part in it's making.

StatisticallyChallenged · 01/05/2017 12:45

Ok says he was at the airport by 10.30, so I don't think he would have assumed she's be back from an overnight stay before he left.

metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 12:53

OP good luck!

Out Good for you. You sound very positive.

metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 12:53

OP good luck!

Out Good for you. You sound very positive.

Want2bSupermum · 01/05/2017 13:47

user I have a DH like yours in that he earns 10x what I earn and we live abroad for his career. I work FT and help him run his business (I am the unpaid COO).

My DH is very attractive to OW and I would hazard a guess that your DH is too. I would start a thread in relationships. Anyfucker saved my marriage. A lot of people here on MN call me controlling but when you are in the type of relationship that I think you are in and living in the part of the world that I think you are in you need to be assertive. If others think that is controlling so be it.

DH travels a lot for work. This week he is traveling every single day and leaves on Friday for Europe. He is also senior at work and while he can say no it isn't the acceptable answer sometimes. I get that but at the same time I'm not a doormat. If he dared to leave without telling me where he was traveling to he knows I would be very upset with him.

As reference we now how 3DC, one who is autistic and they are 5 and under. Do not even think about having DC until you have this sorted.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 01/05/2017 13:51

What odd behaviour.

However going out without charger and keys is odd too - even if he hadn't been going abroad, how would you know he would be in the house at exactly the time you came home? And there isn't much point in taking a phone with you if you cba to charge it when it gets low

OlennasWimple · 01/05/2017 14:44

Good luck OP

(And as an aside, this is a perfect example of where an OP should be able to get a thread locked to prevent more posts - get ready to count the "why didn't you have your keys with you?")

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/05/2017 15:17

have to say it, Wink find it really weird you didnt take keys with you, or a charger,if im staying anywhere overnight i always take a charger

tho our door we have to have a key to lock it,not just a pull shut one iyswim

tho you also say in thread you dont lock your door Hmm

i dont think dh is having an affair,just that he works hard and has to travel as part of job,you need to decide if you can put up with that, as well as missing your family/seeing them rarely ........

DontPullThatTubeOut · 01/05/2017 16:36

I've read most of the thread but not all. You keep saying you think he wanted to avoid yet another argument, did you not think that with you being upset he didn't want to upset you lore as he knows you are prone to arguing no matter when he says something. Maybe don't start an argument every time he tells you he has to go away and instead talk and maybe he will start to talk to you more again if he isn't on edge about your reaction.

Greenifer · 01/05/2017 18:58

Hi OP. My husband works away from home an awful lot (unavoidable as is the consequence of the industry he is in - think he has actually been at home overnight for about four weeks total between January and now). He would never ever go abroad or even to somewhere in the UK without letting me know. In order to make this easier, we have a shared calendar on our phones so that he can update it remotely with flight times, train times, nights away and location of the job as things can come in at short notice - this way I can plan family stuff around his commitments. I do not think YABU at all. There is obviously a bigger issue than just the calendar here, though, and I wish you all the best in sorting it all out.

Lasvegas · 01/05/2017 19:39

My dh travels a lot and we live in London. But all his long haul flights are out on Saturday. This means that he is over ish jet lag when he has meetings Monday am. It is annoying I iWork f/t and we have a DD. It's life for us and many I suspect.

Yes it's annoyingly that on a Sunday he is sitting on a beach in Miami and I am at supermarket and cleaning.

ForalltheSaints · 01/05/2017 20:21

I don't go to the dustbin without keys, and the OP going out without them really does seem surprising. If your DP travels and some idiot driver runs into the back of him, he could be stranded or late home for some reason.

Greenifer · 01/05/2017 20:33

Lasvegas, we don't have DH most weekends either (works in theatre, so non-negotiable working days). I know how it feels.

And, despite my DH often being away, I frequently used to lock myself out until I attached some keys to my handbag and hid spare sets in the car and my brother's garden because I am often away with the fairies thinking about something else. Accidents happen!

Greenifer · 01/05/2017 20:34

The worst part is when he sends me beautiful photos of eg Lake Geneva in the sunshine when I am doing the school run in the pissing rain.

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