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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

306 replies

user123345 · 30/04/2017 22:17

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 01/05/2017 08:08

Due to his behaviour, i think the only real power you have is to leave. Leave everything, including football kit (entitled ass) & the ball will be in his court when he gets back. Do you own or rent your house?

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 08:09

I'm not washing the kit, I have accidentally washed his shorts and socks. (As they were abandoned in our walk in before he left) they are now stuffed in this footie bag with his boots and towel.

OP posts:
Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 08:09

It's our home - we just spent 2 years building/designing.

OP posts:
emmyhNL · 01/05/2017 08:10

I've skimmed through the thread but I've been your DH. Completely by accident as well. I used to travel.75/80% of my time and there was a time my then boyfriend was away with mates. I couldn't get hold of him as his phone was off (they were on an adventure weekend so told to leave any valuables behind). I only realised Sunday when I was checking my emails that I had an early flight. I had to go. No way to contact him or his friends, didn't even see that his keys were there.

He was a bit annoyed but more at himself for forgetting his keys!

If you've got communication issues, you need to talk to each other and he needs to realise how important it is to you

SparklyFairyDust · 01/05/2017 08:11

Imagine the flights for last thing Sunday/ first thing Monday were fully booked or a crazy price. Boss asked is there a reason you can't go on cheaper earlier flight saving us $100's?

Have you thought that the situation is being manipulated by the guy who wants to get away from his partner, so in all DH doesn't have a choice. You'll probably be surprised DH doesn't like dedicated him whole life to work, but it pays the bills so what can he do?

He did try and get in touch at end of night out but low battery & signal problems made that hard.

3luckystars · 01/05/2017 08:16

Buy a big calendar and stick it up on the kitchen wall. From now on write in everything that's going on. Everything.

No it's not ok (with me anyway) if my partner left the country for a week without telling me.

It sounds like the guy he works with is having the life of Reilly away from home and wants a friend to join him.

And also, be out somewhere nice on Friday when he gets back. (Write it into the calendar)

Longdistance · 01/05/2017 08:18

I don't think it's unusual to leave with no key, if the other person was going to be home.

I do however think he's hiding something wrt leaving Sunday if he knew. He's also had all weekend to do his football kit.

I don't wash my Dhs rugby kit, he does it himself. So I vote you don't wash it.

Oh, and don't 'book' an evening to discuss things, it's not a business meeting Confused

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 08:18

3 during the rage I did arrange that today. I asked him what his plans were for the following weeks and he said I don't know 🤔. Avoidance at every turn

OP posts:
skerrywind · 01/05/2017 08:20

So you ignored hi text messages, were disorganised enough to go away without keys /phone charger and this is all his fault?

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 08:23

I wasn't disorganised- I thought I was coming home to him Sunday - parting comment from DH was see you tomorrow have fun ! Didn't get his message as had no signal ... which said morning, you awake can I call you ? Not btw I'm leaving the country and have lied to you ?

OP posts:
skerrywind · 01/05/2017 08:30

You were disoranised.

Part of being an adult is making sure you always have keys with you.

You had no signal in your B&b- you could have walked down the street, used a land line, remembered your charger or any number of responsible adult actions.

You are blaming him for your disorganisation. I would be pissed off if I was your OH.

sleepingdragons · 01/05/2017 08:35

OP you don't have to be in this relationship if it's not working for you, you know.

You don't need to catch him cheating to leave if actually the way he treats you is not what you want from a partner whether he's cheating or not. (Although FWIW I would be prrtty suspicious in your shoes).

Instead of making an appointment to talk to him about him lying to you - which you anticipate will be him shutting you down - why not just go? Give yourself a cha ce of finding a fulfilling relationship, not one where you're lied to and shut down?

Just a thought...

Bananamanfan · 01/05/2017 08:36

It's really not a big thing to forget your keys, especially if you haven't had to lock up, because your oh is at home. The op have far bigger issues than remembering her keys.

Ethylred · 01/05/2017 08:41

Forgetting keys is ordinary human error. But blaming someone else for it is not.

"Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day". Sounds reasonable to me. He travels a lot, that's routine for you both.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/05/2017 08:41

I see you don't listen to people advising you to be calm and not engage in an argument. Good luck with making your marriage work.

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 08:45

Forgetting keys when you have an OH who travels sporadically and at short notice is a big deal.

Blaming him for that is crazy.

tammytheterminator · 01/05/2017 08:45

You are stupid for not taking your keys and charger. If he had been rushed to hospital you would have had the same problem.

He is stupid for not telling you earlier/texting you over the weekend.

There seems to be an underlying problem here. He has a senior role. Diary logistics for senior roles change by the minute. One minute they are flying to Dubai next week then next they need to go to LA. It's an absolute pain in the arse, and yes, this personality type generally doesn't communicate. I know, I've been a PA for years and have seen it all.

I think that you need to accept that A) this is who he is (i.e. someone who travels a lot, is a bit mysterious, doesn't communicate, etc.) or B) leave him. In light of what you have posted, I would suggest B.

metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 08:50

There's some real miscommunication in your marriage by the sounds of it. You say dh doesn't like to tell you things for fear of upsetting you, but then admit you can be very emotional. From your posts, it sounds like there's a lot more to this than him going away without telling you (which is extremely bizarre in itself. My dh goes away for work and he prints me out his whole itinerary, including flights, hotel and office numbers.) I think when he gets back you need to really sit down and go over everything that's concerning you, as it seems like you've been bottling things up for a long time.

metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 08:50

There's some real miscommunication in your marriage by the sounds of it. You say dh doesn't like to tell you things for fear of upsetting you, but then admit you can be very emotional. From your posts, it sounds like there's a lot more to this than him going away without telling you (which is extremely bizarre in itself. My dh goes away for work and he prints me out his whole itinerary, including flights, hotel and office numbers.) I think when he gets back you need to really sit down and go over everything that's concerning you, as it seems like you've been bottling things up for a long time.

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 08:50

He is stupid for not you earlier/texting you over the weekend.

He sent 3 text messages which the OP chose to ignore- so busy drinking coffee on her hen night out.

PeanutButterBunny · 01/05/2017 08:50

So he messed up, but you sound incredibly high maintenance emotionally. You should calm down unless there's a clear evidence he's having an affair else your marriage won't last.

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 08:52

My dh goes away for work and he prints me out his whole itinerary, including flights, hotel and office numbers.)

If that's the way you work.

I often don't know where my OH is or even which city he is working in.

Sparkletastic · 01/05/2017 08:56

Do you love him?
Do you trust him?
Would you be happier returning to your home country to be near your family?

tammytheterminator · 01/05/2017 08:57

He sent 3 text messages which the OP chose to ignore- so busy drinking coffee on her hen night out.

I meant he is stupid for not texting her to say he was leaving on Sunday. He was texting her asking him to call her.

I think they're both at fault. This sounds like hard work.

MrsPeelyWaly · 01/05/2017 08:58

OP, yes I think we are from the same part of the world though I've not lived there for 40 years.

I'm not going to comment on the keys because I believe they're a distraction to what's going on here. The more you write the more I sense youre an abused wife but you've yet to realise that you are. His reaction to the calendar is not a normal one. It's the actions of someone who wants to be in complete control and doesn't want to be pinned down.

I recognise this because I've lived it and it was only when I'd been married for 36 years that I changed thIngs. I've now been seperated for 4 years and I really do urge you to sort things out now. And no, it doesn't mean you have to end your marriage. You do however need a new way forward.

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