Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

[user123345]

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

Regardless if he had been able to talk to me I still would have been pretty pissed off - by the way I won't be here when you get back I have to go away with work. I've know about it since Thursday .... but I didn't want to tell you. If I had know I would have driven to the hen's so as to see him in the morning. Not planning to spend the day with him and then realising when I am back he is gone !

You career.......could you take up back up in the UK? Worth thinking about.

Yes career and qualifications could be moved back to the uk.

Your not you

Not saying LTB at all, but given that you have followed him around the world, you are unhappy and lonely and he doesnt seem to give much of a toss.....worth keeping other options in mind.

He really doesnt treat you very well does he?

YANBU and what really strange behaviour from your Husband!

How would he feel if you'd done the same to him?

It sounds like your worried that he's having an affair?Is there a backstory there?

Something that jumped out at me was that he's planned to do this whilst he knew you were away enjoying yourself,do you not go out much without him?Had he made a fuss about you going out?
I just wondered if this was a form of punishment from him because you'd been out without him and had had a good time!?

No fuss about me going out - told me to go have fun ! Made me a really nice brunch before I left to make sure that I had eaten something - was texting asking if I was having fun ?

I don't think going away over night without keys is the same as popping out of the house without your keys. It's irresponsible to leave the house without keys unless you've specifically checked that whoever will be there to let you in (not just a vague expectation that they will be there, but letting them know you don't have your keys so need them there at/until x time). I also think it's a bit asking for trouble to not have a spare set with neighbour/friend/family if you're often the only one in the country.

However, while I think that's probably exacerbated the situation for you, making it feel more thoughtless of him even though I would say your expectation of him to be your door key is unreasonable, I don't think that's the real crux of what's bothering you. I find it very odd he basically lied to you about when he was leaving. Have you been annoyed at the amount he's travelling? Does his travel mean more work for you in some way? melj1213 has a positive spin on why he might have waited to tell you, but it seems like very infantalising behaviour to me. Even if I'm upset about something else, I still want to know what's going on in my home, I don't need protecting from things like that, I'm not a toddler. My immediate thought is that he's trying to avoid something (your reaction, presumably) by not telling you when he knew.

It's a very strange way to act,has he done this before?

I'll be honest I'd be worried as well especially if this is out of the ordinary,I've always gone with my gut instinct that if someone's done something wrong and they've been an arse about it then it's either guilt,they're trying to hide something or a bit of both.

Is there any way you can check that he's been where he says he's been?

My ex used to tell me the wrong dates he was away all the time. Or just not tell me til the last minute. I came to believe it was a control thing.

But, in your circs, why didn't he just put your key under a flower pot since you were on your way back? I agree with pp, never go out without your own keys. And if you want to be in contact, make sure you have a phone charger or back up battery pack.

I think people can lay off the OP about the keys. Many of us wouldn't have done it, but it's not that much of a big deal.

If he told you just to get over it then that, to me, would be worse. If he'd gone, but then was apologetic once the two of you finally got in contact, that's very different to just expecting you to shrug it off. Like I said, I'd expect DH to apologise if this happened.

If you are suddenly suspecting something else, then that's a completely different story.

I suspect melj has it in terms of putting off the confrontation until it can't be avoided by which time it's a million times worse.

I'm assuming no DC (as you don't mention it) so I don't think the lack of notice is as much of a disaster as if you did have them and had to pick up all the slack.

However, more broadly it seems that you're not happy where you're living despite having friends and working (so you're not the stereotypical trailing spouse). Do you think things would be better if you were back home or do you think that you're just not really wanting to be with someone who's away all the time (it's fine not to be- some people hate it, some people actually quite like it)?

The only thing that looked slightly suspicious was

Flight was booked by a guy that's works for him, he likes to travel on the weekend. This strikes me as odd (of all things, it's the little things). Normally the most senior person would be able to pull rank and force everyone else into a Sunday flight but a more junior person would not get to dictate when their boss travels to suit their own preferences.

I'm an expat so I understand how it feels to say goodbye to your parents.

My DH travels a lot so I understand how that feels.

I do not understand why you would leave for a night away without charger and keys. You have to take responsibility for access to your home and being contactable.

It sounds like you would have been angry about a Sunday departure whenever he told you even if you had be contactable.

It doesn't sound like an affair to me, it sounds like conflict avoidance.

Wash the kit, if that's your normal habit, anything else is deeply petty.

Then sit down with him and have a proper conversation about his work schedule and your communication as a couple when he gets back.

what hotel has absolutely no reception at all?

I genuinely don't put both feet out of my front door without keys after my friends baby crawled into the door and shut it.
However. DH sends me flight oomings as they're done and wouldn't accidentally go away 24 or 12 hours early without telling me.
We have an emergency key situation as well.

I'm at a loss as to why you'd have gone out without your house keys!
Yes,it'd be crap if dh left the country without telling you. I'd be upset too.
HOWEVER, it doesn't come across like that to me from what you've posted.
He DID try to tell you, he left messages or whatever, he wasn't to know that there was no signal and your battery was next to nothing anyway. So hardly his fault you didn't know.
If he has to go abroad on trips and that's the norm, surely you should take your keys just in case?!
Always take your house keys anyway,I don't get why you wouldn't! What if you got back and he was out and had popped to the shops?! Would you have sat on the doorstep and waited?!

Did he actually go to "work?"

Oh, FFS. boom typical MN response "he's male, therefore a lying shit and shagging some bit on the side wake UP OP, there must be more to it)
Don't project your own paranoia and/or experiences onto the OP.

what hotel has absolutely no reception at all?

Depends where you go, surely?! I've been on a holiday in Wales with zero internet connection and zero bars for making a call or receiving texts.
Also when I was in the Lake District it was exactly the same.

what hotel has absolutely no reception at all?

TBF to the OP on this point, I live in the Lake District and there are plenty of places - rural and in big towns & villages - that just have no signal or patchy signal at best, especially if you're on certain networks. Eg some friends live in a tiny village where the only networks that get coverage for miles around are EE and O2, if you're on any other network your coverage is going to be intermittent at best.

My parents live in the middle of my (fairly big, industrial) town and you can only get phone reception in the front half and upstairs of the house, if you're in the hall, bedrooms, bathroom or front room then you have full signal ... the second you step over the threshold into the dining room/kitchen/family room/utility room (aka the rooms used the most) there's nothing.

typical MN response "he's male, therefore a lying shit and shagging some bit on the side wake UP OP, there must be more to it) He's grooming before he goes away, neglecting to tell his wife details of business trips, not contactable late in the evening (because he's out at the bar), seemingly oblivious to his wife's feelings and the OP says things don't stack up. Yep, male or female, I'd be concerned.

I am wondering if he's gone abroad before without telling you and this is why he doesn't think it's a big deal.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread, OP, or where you want to go now with your DH

As far as I can see, your DH had to go abroad for work; he often travels for work, so being away is no big deal in and of itself; he tried to speak to you but wasn't able to do so; so he went before you knew what was happening. Not ideal, especially with the keys situation, but not sure what you expected him to do - not travel because he had your keys?? (He should, however, have found somewhere to leave them and left you a message and a note on the door to let you know where to collect them)

Going to another country means different things to different people. Are you in Africa? There are some small countries so close to each other that you can pop in and out of them while shopping.

So if you're in Botswana and he went to SA for work you're being unreasonable.

The OP mentioned flights so I think its safe to assume that his travel isnt like living in Prestatyn and going to Manchester.

And if he was just popping over the boarder then he wouldnt be away for 6 weeks out of 8 or 9 would he?