Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

[user123345]

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

I think he tried reasonably to contact you. He travels for work and didn't want to add pressure to your weekend. You could have had your own set of keys. Personally I wouldn't have worried about an affair and I think his text back would comfort me. Someone's people aren't able to be reached by phone, as you weren't.

Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's lying. He's not exactly helping the situation is he.
He needs to know that being married means that you are considerate of each other's needs and feelings.
I'm surprised that he's shocked by your message?, surely he must understand that he makes himself look iffy by taking off like that.

Lea look I'm with you ... I'm very groomed and keep in check on a weekly basis but he is a bit more sporadic - ie will come back from a trip being groomed (when he has perhaps been awol for days, not taking calls etc - phone wasn't charged, fell asleep, was out late) when I comment he says - oh I've done it for you ?!?

I'd be more pissed off if my partner was a grown adult and didn't A- have a phone charger with them, and B- have their house keys with them. Also why don't any of your mates have a spare key for exactly situations like that

Fully agree with that. As for him saying that he didn't want you upset, are you prone to throwing the toys out of a pram because he has a job which requires travel?

But you also had similar reasons for not speaking to him while you were away. He didnt accuse you of ignoring him or not being there for him.

I dont know if he is having an affair or not. Your few posts dont read like you do think he is, just that he has been a dick.

Your later posts suggest you think he is. MN is great and really supportive of women. However it can also be really biased and some posters scream 'affair' at the slightest thing and its easy to be sucked into that thinking.

I think you need to decide what you think. Not what others here think.

While he is away probably isnt the best time to discuss it. If dh pulled this on me while i was working away and accusing me of not being where i said i was, i would be fucked off. Tbh i probably wouldnt want ti speak to him either.

Doing these things (ie convincing you he is not having an affair) by text or over the phone would not be something i want to do.

But he DID tell you he was leaving!

I think you're the flaky one for not having a phone charger or keys.

You texted him accusing him of being unfaithful????

As I said, you two need to sit down and work in your communication skills.

To be honest, it sounds like he screwed up by not mentioning the change of plans sooner.

The Sunday thing I can totally get though. I've had to travel extensively for work and would often fly out the day before to make sure I was fresh and on for for a full day of meetings. I tried travelling on the Monday; you rarely get anywhere before mid morning/lunchtime and then are shattered from flying at some daft hour.

He probably assumed that, with the bank holiday, the plans sound be pushed back by a day only to find out that whoever booked the flights totally forgot about the BH and booked flights as normal, with someone only noticing last week.

He's tried to do the right thing by not upsetting you but has inadvertently made the situation worse. We all screw up from time to time. Ditto you assuming he would be in the house when you got back and then leaving your keys at home and having no means of contact.

It sounds like you need to both have a rethink about communication and that's it.

If there is no other concern with your relationship then I don't see how you being unable to contact him at 10pm because he's in a noisy place with a colleague and has occasionally groomed himself is am immediate sign that he must be having an affair!

Clan - look I agree I should have taken keys l should have taken my charger - but I left the house the day prior at 100% charge and he told me he would be at home when I got back. So I guess I didn't expect to be in this situation. And a bit of travel for work is fine but 6 out of 8 weeks when you have emigrated away from your family and friends (twice) it kinda defeats the point of moving to be with someone if he is never actually here ?!

TBH, reading more of your posts, you sound like a spoilt child instead of a mature woman and that's why he's treating you as such.
And I'm saying it as a full time working woman, we have a child and no family support around here so when DH travels as his requires it, I have nobody to help me. He will also travel on my birthday so we will catch up on celebrations later on that week. No tragedy, just corporate life.
From what I could read, this seems to be the fate of many wives of businessmen living abroad. Nothing to do except for enjoying the money he earns because they don't try anything rather than share the awful suffering of isolation with other corporate wives in a golden ghetto. You sound childish and bored.

Clan how am I in a Golden Getto if I also work ? I am not a trailing spouse ....

. And a bit of travel for work is fine but 6 out of 8 weeks when you have emigrated away from your family and friends (twice) it kinda defeats the point of moving to be with someone if he is never actually here

We live in a foreign country. My husband travels an awful lot because that's his job. I have a full time job too and a 7y DD to take care of too, plus the commute. I accept it as a part of life. He seems to be treating you as immature but maybe it's also your share. You say you felt inasulted when he had a conf call instead of sitting with you, sobbing with your parents. TBH, my husband would probably want to get away from the emotional overload too. It's not a tragedy that you live abroad and away from your parents, you know. It's an opportunity to learn about how people live elsewhere and be a part of it.

So is your problem this trip or are you generally fed up of all the travelling.

I think you arent really sure.

He messed up. Should have told you on thrusday. But this has now escalted into you thinking he is having an affair and not being sure why you live where you live as he is away so much.

I dont think this is about him not telling you. You sound generally unhappy and jumping on this, then accusing him of an affair to communicate your unhappiness.

Deal with the actual issue, when he is home. Take some time while he is away to figure out how you feel and talk when he gets back.

The phone charging thing, even if its on 100% i would still take my charger in case of emergency. Same with keys. But you didnt, thats done with. But you cant complain about him being out of contact when you did the same thing.

Clandestino you sound lovely

My problem is both all the travelling and also the fact that he lied to me (again) to avoid an argument. I do wonder why he travels on the weekend, when he says he hates it so much. In a senior role why not say - no I'm not doing that, I've done 20 years of it. Let the more junior members of the team do the crap. I do genuinely worry that there is more behind this ...

Op it is always wise to go with your gut.
Chances are you'll be proved wrong, but at least you'll have piece of Of mind.

My friend was the trusting wife, who was completely cool with her husbands travel arrangements, and trusted him completely. She was also the type of women to berate those who didn't trust their husbands.
She missed crucial warning signs and her husband was able to carry out the affair for 2 years, under the guise of work commitments abroad and the loving support from his ever trusting and faithful wife.

It's always best to be doubly sure.

Its not always about being more senior. I am not a huge fan of travelling for work. I am senior. I do wish i could travel on the Monday. But often it makes monday shitty.

A few weeks ago our first meeting was at 1pm so we decides to travel that morning. I wont do it again. Really stressful, couldnt get a taxi at the train station, needed to drop our stuff at the hotel first, that took ages etc. I dont like being away but would rather be away an extra night.

Like i always arrive at work before i need to. Because arriving bang on time makes me feel stressed. I dont like arriving early, but i do like feeling like i am prepared when i start. So i opt for arriving early.

I can't tell you if he is having an affair. I can tell you that there are reasonable reasons for being away an extra night. I can also tell you that creating drama and getting into this over text isnt going to help.

He tried to tell you.

Not his fault your phone was dead and you didn't take your keys.

sarah, thanks for the sarcasm. I probably just have a low treshold of patience towards people living abroad, talking about how they had to leave their families behind and their spouse is travelling.
I just take it as a part of my life. There are much worse things thst can happen.
OP, maybe instead of an argument you could sit down with DH or go out and have a conversation on neutral grounds. It sounds like the travelling is a major issue and it was discussed and argued about before hence he went for an evasive action to avoid yet another argument.

Clandest everybody is different. For some family is very important and is their absolute life line. You have coped well because you're that type of person.
Op has moved abroad and now feels alone, which for her personally is not a comfortable situation to be in. It seems like the whole travel arrangement with work has become quite frequent and it isn't how she pictured a move abroad would be. Nothing unreasonable about that.

Clan - where in the world do you live ?

I think this has brought to a head just how pissed off you are because he goes away a lot. And he goes away on a weekend day as opposed to during the week. And according to one of your posts, you're assuming it's because he doesn't want to be with you.

I've done the expat thing with dh, who also travelled a lot when we lived abroad. And he would leave or arrive at the weekend. It's totally normal to leave at the weekend. I agree it was a very early flight on Sunday but you don't know if this was the only available flight for the day.

His communication was pretty shit. But it sounds as if he knew you were going to hit the roof when he told you he was going away at the weekend so he hid the fact he was going early to avoid another argument about it.

Yes, it was pretty crap. However, I think you need to have a very good look at your behaviour as well as I think you are both jointly responsible for this situation. My dh hated all the flying off. It's not fun. The inside of a hotel and the inside of another meeting room is exactly the same regardless of whatever exotic country he happens to be visiting.

I expect your dh doesn't want to apologise because travelling around is tough for him, not just you. Are you recognising this when you're getting angry and upset with him? And if you're working and happy in your work, it may even be tougher for him. I get you're pretty miserable with the set up. It sounds like you are making his life pretty miserable as well. And he doesn't get to go on the fab weekends away as recompense for all the shitty travelling he's doing. Perhaps he's jealous of all the freedom you have.

I think you both need to sit down and talk and have an adult conversation about your situation. Neither of you sound very happy. Perhaps it's time to re evaluate life. You could both move back to the uk (for example) or whatever will make you happy.

When dh and I were abroad, one of the marriages broke down because the mans wife hated that he was no longer doing a 9-5 and according to him would scream at him when he arrived through the door. She went back home with their kids. If you don't sort this out, your marriage could be going the same way.

And please wash the kit. I get the anger but that isn't going to help your marriage. Have a good rant on here and get it out of your system. The last thing your dh needs to do is to come home to an angry or PA wife.

OP,
It really isn't clear what is going on here. It is clear that you are unhappy and that you and DP don't communicate that well. Ask him to book an evening in with you and really talk about what is going on. What matters isn't how reasonable your worries are, but that you are upset and would like some reassurance.

You are a long way from home, he is away a lot, he is avoiding telling you things in case you get upset. (The kind thing to do is tell you and comfort you.) He isn't prioritising/maximising family time when he is at home, to the point where you've started to worry he is having an affair/isn't emotionally engaged with you anymore. These are warning signs, not just of maybe him having an affair, but of your relationship breaking down, so you both need to do some work on it.

(I also wouldn't take a charger for an overnight stay, by the way. And it's not that hard to forget your keys when you are doing something out of the usual routine. I remember mine because they are on the car key. If I go public transport I have to make a special effort to remember.)

Mummyoflittledragon you haven't read all of OPs posts have you?

Of course I have Sarah.