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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went on an overseas work trip without telling me ...

306 replies

user123345 · 30/04/2017 22:17

Hi all,

My husband travels a lot for work often travelling for a week at a time but recently has had several early Monday morning meeting which has meant he has left on a Sunday late afternoon. I was at a hens night last night and we stayed the night and it was too far for a cab back. I left the house Saturday, husband waved me off - have fun see you tomorrow ! The B&B we stayed at had no cell reception so I could text him to say we are on our back until about 10:30 when we stopped to get a coffee. By that point phone was really low on charge, I saw 3 messages from him asking if I had a fun night could he call ect ... i quickly messaged back to say all good and had no battery. Got back to the house and he is nowhere to been seen and I had no house keys (as I expected him to be home) by this point I had no battery to call him or check my messages. Friend called him straight to voicemail - very weird. Borrowed a phone charger from my neighbour and low a behold I had a text from him. Ok, well bad news I'm afraid. Don't rush home - I'm at the airport. Realised on Thursday that I was flying today but didn't want to add more upset to your day 😫 - would you complete loose your shit over this ? I had to get a locksmith to get me into the house. He has hardly spoken to me since, thinks I'm overreacting and it's no big deal. That I'm just pissed off that I didn't have my keys. He was being very evasive, would not take a call nor did he answer the hotel phone at 10:40 last night. As he apparently was in the hotel bar ? This isn't stacking up for me ...... am AIBU or him ?

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 30/04/2017 23:27

But I wouldn't wash the kit unless he was really apologetic and asked really nicely for me to do his dirty work for him. Nor would I run errands for him for a trip without a good reason.

prettybaubles · 30/04/2017 23:29

OP - of course you should have taken your keys and charger. However seems very odd to me that your DH, at some point, couldn't have said 'BTW mix up now going Sunday evening' and/or upon seeing your keys couldn't have left them somewhere and texted you.

As regards the football kit - so he had a match Friday and left Sunday. Could have washed the kit Saturday then. No way would I be washing it - do you normally wash it - why?

CotswoldStrife · 30/04/2017 23:30

You could wash the kit but leave it in the machine to moulder ....

gamerchick · 30/04/2017 23:33

I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time. ANYONE commenting here saying it's your fault would go fucking ape if their dudes fucked of for a week without telling them. Keys or no fucking keys Hmm

I'd be doing my nut. He didn't even give a shit whether you could get in the house or not. That would tell me how far up his priority list I was!

Ceto · 30/04/2017 23:33

I can understand his thinking - you were really upset about something on Thursday, were due to go off for a nice evening out on Saturday, he didn't want to spoilt it for you by telling you something that would revive whatever you were upset about. He therefore wanted to tell you over the phone on Sunday, but couldn't because of your phone issues. Had you sorted out your charger, you would have been able to have a long conversation on Sunday morning, not his fault that you didn't.

CotswoldStrife · 30/04/2017 23:35

gamerchick the OP did know about the trip, but thought he'd be around all of Sunday and leaving on Monday (I think). She did know about the trip so the thread title is a little misleading.

Beeziekn33ze · 30/04/2017 23:35

What Ceto said - that!

Thefabulousfeminist · 30/04/2017 23:38

I'd suspect a Sunday night assignation with a woman tbh
It's shady behaviour

MsPavlichenko · 30/04/2017 23:39

Do you usually wash his football team's kit? If not, don't this time. And if you do, I'd stop.

Unless he, and the team have asked you, thanked you for your effort and regularly show their appreciation via wine/chocolates or whatever.

Thefabulousfeminist · 30/04/2017 23:39

And I'd be furious
YANBU

PopGoesTheWeaz · 30/04/2017 23:40

Why would ou assume he's meeting a woman when he's being often having to leave Sunday due to colleague. Or do you think he's been having an affair in multiple destinations over the last year? Confused at the logic...

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/04/2017 23:41

Has he actually mentioned the kit?

Dont touch it.

Nothing to do with his trip but everything to do with him just leaving it for the domestic staff to deal with. What a cunt! Leave it alone, do not lay a finger on it. If and when he kicks off that there is no clean kit for the game then tell him that you assumed that if he had wanted it clean then he would have washed it.

People only treat you like shit if you let them.

Sounds to me like there is way more to this than one trip tbh.

Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 23:42

I must be missing something
You say you were very upset on Thursday
Perhaps Friday he thought you still would be?
And couldn't predict no phone service etc over weekend

Original poster
user123345 · 30/04/2017 23:43

I was upset Thursday because I my parents have been out visiting and they've just left. We are ex pats and a long way from home - so hard knowing I won't see them now for 1/1year and a half. I get really lonely as I he travels frequently for work and that's really tough. I think he could have handled it better, called me once he got off the flight to say sorry - not just you need to get a grip ! He just won't accept when he's done anything wrong thinks well I've done that deal with and move on. And no I'm not washing the kit, I do think something is up as I've just noticed that he has done a bit of personal grooming before he left.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2017 23:44
Sad
melj1213 · 30/04/2017 23:46

To me it kind of sounds like mis-communication/bad timing rather than anything deliberately malicious.

Thursday: Something happened you were upset about & DH found out about travel mix up but decided not to upset you more.

Friday: DH was probably not wanting to upset you again

Saturday: He knew you were going on the hen-night so didn't want to drop the bomb on you before you left.

Sunday: He was hoping/assumed you'd be back early enough for him to speak to face to face about the mix-up or planned to call you first thing

What ended up happening was that he couldn't do that because you had no phone reception (he wasn't to know) and then no battery because you didn't take a phone charger (again he couldn't know that). On top of that you chose not to take your keys with you (Why? I never leave the house without keys and if I did get locked out there are a couple of spare keys with both the neighbour and a family member nearby).

So yes, he probably should have told you before he left, but considering the circumstances, I can understand why he didn't and then when he couldn't get hold of you it spiralled into a bigger issue than it should have been, compounded by you forgetting both the charger and your keys.

Friday999 · 30/04/2017 23:49

Sorry but keeping your phone charged and having a set of your own keys should come as standard to most grown-ups?

Original poster
user123345 · 30/04/2017 23:52

So Friday you've never popped out of the house without your keys ? When you know someone else will be home when you get back ? Or had your phone run out of charge unexpectedly?

OP posts:
Potterypots · 30/04/2017 23:53

Do you think that maybe you're feeling a bit emotional about your parents leaving / feeling lonely etc and that maybe if you were back at home you might not be feeling so bad about this?

Have you got a life out there for yourself and friends of your own that don't involve your husband? I lived abroad for a while and after the first couple of weeks of initial excitement I felt probably the loneliest I've ever felt in my life. Some days I felt so home sick. It was only really when I settled into my job and started to meet a few new friends that I started feeling better. Even then it was still lonely sometimes :(

Whosthemummynow · 30/04/2017 23:57

I'm not sure why alot of posters seem to be downplaying this? It's a really shitty thing to do and his behaviour afterwards is awful! Feel for you OP. You DH has been a right twat

VerySadInside · 01/05/2017 00:00

I don't know any adult that leaves the house without their keys, Even if he was at home he might've popped out.

WhisperingLoudly · 01/05/2017 00:03

But he did tell you he was going away -
Confused and would likely have told you on the phone if you'd been available to talk.

HeddaGarbled · 01/05/2017 00:04

You didn't "pop" out of the house - you went away for the night.

Phones don't run out of charge "unexpectedly". That's what they do and we all expect that.

However, I agree with PP, there's a lot more going on in your life/relationship than this incident.

Have you thought about going home? You sound isolated and lonely and unhappy and your partner doesn't sound supportive.

Original poster
user123345 · 01/05/2017 00:05

I have been overseas for 7 years emigrated twice for his work. I work full time and have a good circle of friends. But yes it's still hard and time doesn't make this easier. He has a habit of not telling me things so as not to upset me ... but this the first time he has left without telling me. And yes I probably am a bit emotional I don't deny that. But I think all the more reason to tell me Friday - I was at home all day and we had dinner together when he got back from footie. I just don't understand A. Why is he being so defensive and B. When your wife is clearly upset why would you not make time to call her ??

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/05/2017 00:07

So increased personal grooming, extra nights away on a trip that are not needed and not answering his phone when out for a drink?

Not looking good I have to say. Not saying he is definitely up to something but I wonder if someone has caught his eye.

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