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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

186 replies

Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:07

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit Hmm about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2017 22:10

Yabu

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2017 22:11

A bit yes.

Perhaps she feels a bit like she's being 'summonsed' so you can sit and judge her across a table.

I'm not saying that's the case, but maybe that's how she feels?

I think these things need to happen naturally, so don't give up on the idea.

Just don't make it so 'official'.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:19

Ok. I can see that.

I would feel very strange if it was the other way round I would rather meet the mother.

It isn't something which will happen naturally, they live an hr away and ex does drop offs and pick ups. So she could conceivably be living with DD for years without me meeting her?!

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 28/04/2017 22:22

But if you met a new partner would you be happy if your ex insisted on meeting him?

user1466690252 · 28/04/2017 22:23

Hmmmm I think I would feel the same. She is around your children and clearly serious together.
What about an afternoon in the park all together with the dc or something? Or have them come to your house? Something casual. I would like to know who my children were being looked after by, not to judge just in the same way I just chat to their friends mums ect when they go to playdates

LoveDeathPrizes · 28/04/2017 22:24

Could you ask ExH if she can come in the car for drop off and pop in for a cuppa? Maybe less imposing.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:25

Crisp, yes of course? I would wonder what kind of parent just shrugged their shoulders and said yeah whatever?!

You wouldn't want to meet someone (anyone) who was spending that amount of time with your child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:26

I said we could have coffee here or anywhere. She's been once in the car but sat in the seat and didn't get out. She was talking on the phone so it wasn't like I could go and say hello.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 28/04/2017 22:28

YANBU to want to, I would too but he has no obligation to agree unfortunately.

Chasingsquirrels · 28/04/2017 22:28

I've met my exH's new partner, but I'm pretty sure the kids had known her and stayed overnight in the same house before I met her.
I certainly didn't feel any need to meet her, it just happened naturally over time when dropping the kids.

My late-DH was my boss and had been for years, so exH had already met him years prior to me getting together with late-DH and him subsequently moving in with my and my kids - but if that hadn't have been the case and if I meet someone else in the future I'd see no reason to organise a meeting, I'd see it as none of exH's business.

Lelloteddy · 28/04/2017 22:28

YANBU to want it to happen. YABU to expect that it will.

It would certainly be ringing alarm bells for me with regards future relationships. If your Ex is happy for it to happen, it suggests she is feeling a tad insecure about you. Shame that she's not mature enough to deal with it but unfortunately that's life.

LoveDeathPrizes · 28/04/2017 22:29

She must be really nervous. You're such a huge part of his life.

Do you have any DC birthdays or similar coming up where you would invite ExH?

Chasingsquirrels · 28/04/2017 22:30

But it is the kids dad looking after them, and you know him.

user1492528619 · 28/04/2017 22:31

She sounds rude for a start.

Good on you OP for attempting to facilitate a relationship, your children are lucky to have a mother like you.

Sadly, there's not much more you can do, you can't force her to meet you. Likewise, you cannot keep your children from staying there - imagine how you would feel should the situation be reversed.

All you can do is subtly monitor how your children feel about her (and their relationship) and trust your ex's judgement.

x

GinSwigmore · 28/04/2017 22:33

It's a shame. I would have met you, put your mind at rest, bought you a BrewCake Is she very young/no kids of her own? All I can think is she doesn't get it as she's not a Mum already or she is insecure/feels under scrutiny.
Alternatively she has slotted you in an Ex category rather than main parent/coparent of potentially her future stepdaughter...
There's no backstory eg acrimony/other woman/ex slating you, is there? So not sure why she has been dismissive/threatened/indifferent.
Unless she just thinks you're a nosey cah!!Wink

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:33

It's like DD started nursery last month. Ex wanted to come and meet the teachers, he didn't need to as clearly I trust them. But he's curious and wanted to meet them since DD spends a lot of time with them. Totally understandable.

I can't force her to meet me of course. It just seems obstructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:34

No back history at all. Amicable breakup. Still "friends". No cheating or nastiness.

OP posts:
GraceGrape · 28/04/2017 22:35

I can see why you might be anxious, but you know their Dad will be looking after them. I didn't meet my DSS's Mum for about two years because she never dropped him off or picked him up. DH used to get him each time and as it was about an hour each way I didn't go. I think a forced meeting would be quite uncomfortable.

booitsme · 28/04/2017 22:37

No not unreasonable at all but I think that it would be very intimidating for new partner. what about taking Dd somewhere like the park and they are there - not just new girlfriend or soft play or just popping in for a cuppa when next drop her off to break the ice

GinSwigmore · 28/04/2017 22:37

^ But maybe it's because I would have appreciated the gesture/that you even wanted to meet me (as the DD in an acrimonious divorce, I remember handovers and relationships being frosty). Perhaps she has no life experience so it just seems a weird thing to do. Nonetheless I am sorry she hasn't taken you up on it.

AlternativeTentacle · 28/04/2017 22:40

Perhaps she has no life experience

I had plenty of life experience but I never wanted a coffee with my partner's ex. Never will. It is nothing to do with life experience, what a totally insulting thing to suggest.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:41

I just want to make sure I don't meet her when I look like shit

I jest I jest Wink

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/04/2017 22:41

I don't think it's fair to accuse her of being rude or obstructive.

I mean look how many Mumsnetters for example, can't even speak to their neighbours because they feel anxious.

Don't get me wrong, I'd want to meet her too because it would be a bit odd not to.

But I can still imagine she might feel like she's recieved a summons to appear before the judge.

GinSwigmore · 28/04/2017 22:42

OP has already said new gf sat in the car on her phone...I would have come in for a brew. To be honest, if it is all amicable, your ex could have done more in instigating that at the time...just so you could put a name to the face seeing as it's turned serious. But I think you probably need to have been in the opposite position/or been a stepchild to appreciate the gesture/realized what you wanted to meet her for (and ex !night not have explained it well).

OllyBJolly · 28/04/2017 22:43

What if you didn't like her - would you bar DD from sleeping over? I think YABU.

One of the hardest things about living apart from the other parent is handing over control of part of your DCs' lives. You have to trust the other parent to do what's right for the DC. I often - very often- disagreed with what XH said and did but had to respect he had an equal right as I did when the DCs were in his care. That included who they met - with the usual caveats that they were safe etc.