To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

[Rugratstruggles]

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

lello - you misunderstood my comment: my "being flexible" was in response to me. I am flexible.

I agree with you totally and as I said up thread was delighted that when she was ex's new partner, his gf requested to meet me. I have never worried that her relationship with DD will affect mine - if anything DD have a stronger bond than ever and I am delighted that she has another wonderful woman and role model in her life

I think all of times on MN women are expected to do a lot of things when it comes NRPs and stepmothers which the actual posters have never actually experienced themselves.

And equally if a woman posted on here she was moving her partner in with her and her DC after 7 mths she would have her arse handed to her. Nobody would be saying well it's your judgement and your ex should have to put up with it and not expect to meet him.

In fact go take a tour around the step parent boards one of the main complaints which comes up from stepmothers is that the DCs mum has a new man living with them who the dad hasn't even met, like she's the irresponsible one.

I then bump into them and I don't even know the person who's looking after DD?

You say 'Oh, you must be so and so.' Like any normal person would.

And what if the girlfriend still isn't grown up enough to actually engage in conversation in front of the child, given that every indication so far is that she is incapable of doing so? The old 'on the phone' truck in the car speaks volumes.
But hey, let's potentially subject a small child to an awkward and difficult situation just because we can't all be grown ups eh

jacques that's great that you have that attitude. The boards here are full of threads with mothers complaining about step mothers acting like parents and being too involved. Its a constant theme - she's not their mother, why should she have a say.

It all a minefield. Giving everyone time to adjust and get to know each other naturally will make it easier for everyone.

Love the assumption that I have no children. I have two actually. And two stepchildren.

When I moved in with my dp my ex insisted on meeting him, practically demanded it and was very arsey about wanting to know 'who his kids would be living with'. Now, that's fair enough but he should also have been adult enough to recognise that as their parent I have always, and would always put my dc first. And never put them at risk. I have known my dp for 35 years so it's not like he was a complete stranger to me either.

As for my sdc if my dp's ex hadn't gatecrashed what was essentially a party for me and made it all about her then perhaps I would be more amenable to liking her. As it is she didn't ask to meet me, she just fucking turned up when she knew we were having a party. Which is crass. If she had asked to meet up I may have done so, I'm not entirely sure how I'd have felt.

But you are judging this woman for staying in the car when she came to drop off/pick up with her dp. Maybe she felt she would be stepping on toes.

Maybe she felt awkward. Maybe she's just feeling in the way with you and him together with the kids. Don't call her immature. If she had walked up to your house and knocked on the door with her dp would it have put you on the back foot?

No one ever knows what to do in these situations but forcing a meeting which WILL seem like you are wanting to meet to judge her/look her over is not the best way to go.

There will be parents evenings, school plays, pick ups, drop offs, parties and god knows what else where you will get the chance to meet her in a natural setting and also to see how your dc act with her.

You need to remember she is his child too. He can judge who is looking after the dc when he can't and they are in his care. That bollocks was also dumped on me by my ex and he demanded to meet a friend of mine who would be looking after DD for an afternoon for me. It was controlling behaviour and really not needed.

I do there is a BIG difference between:

• asking to meet new GF for coffee - (absolutely fine and good)
• SLATING new GF for not doing this - this will only set up bad feeling for the future.

Please don't do this OP!

My ex had two kids by two different women. We took them away on holiday and both women wanted to meet me first.

I was a little nervous but didn't mind doing it at all because I'm an adult. (Actually I was only 21 at the time and still mature enough to suck it up and do it.)

I think he's doing it far too soon but YABU

I agree he's moving far too fast which is also a problem as that makes the relationship more likely to fail too, which is a problem for the DC and therefore a problem for op.

"Why would a judge instruct that? I've never known it. Contact orders are always regarding nrp and rp, not 'meet nrps dp for a coffee' "

Why would a judge instruct that? Because it's the adult sensible thing to do, enables good communication and good relationships between ALL the adults parenting the child/ren.

You know it now, I said way up thread the judge in my court case ordered it to be part of the contact agreement (ex was a dick and no I didn't trust him, he pulled the wool right over the useless cafcass woman's eyes!)

Mine was the first time it happened in that court but I know it's happened in other cases.

Re stepfathers not getting a bashing, bear in mind this is MUMSnet on sites more frequented by biological fathers stepfathers are accused of all sorts.

Let's be honest, the gf didn't just 'stay' in the car- she hid! Yes it's awkward and uncomfortable - you know what? As the very sensible mrscobain says 'suck it up' if you're a step-parent in this scenario you do what's best for the child/ren! And set your own feelings aside.

A friend of mine on her wedding day had both her father and stepfather walk her down the aisle. When they'd first met they didn't particularly get on but they made the effort for my friend and her siblings who were quite young at the time. Neither bad people just very different. But BOTH men were grown up enough to 'suck it up' as was the brides step-mother, she and brides mother when the father was preparing for her to move in, went for a cuppa and got to know each other a little.

I have over the years seen awful behaviour by parents and step-parents at school events etc. There's no need.

My divorce was incredibly acrimonious and my dds stepmum was the ow. Not dds problem, wasn't discussed with dd until she was old enough that she'd started to work things out for herself. (Their first child was born 7 months after I kicked him out).

Dd was shocked because she had been under the impression we all got along just fine. And actually if I'd met exs now wife under other circumstances we probably would be friends.

I trust her with dd far more than him!