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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

186 replies

Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:07

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit Hmm about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
itsmine · 30/04/2017 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peanutbutterrules · 30/04/2017 15:49

You handle the chat just as you do about other people in their lives that you might not have met or know very well - such as school friends, teachers etc. Casually, relaxed and ask appropriate questions. You're the one making a big deal out of this. If you force it any meeting is going to be super stressed.

Apart from satisfying your curiosity what do you want to gain? You shouldn't expect to discuss the kids with her and how things work at their house. If you want to discuss the kids routines etc when they are with their Dad then all those conversations should be had with him, not her.

You may not meet her for years', that can happen.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 15:52

You shouldn't expect to discuss the kids with her and how things work at their house. If you want to discuss the kids routines etc when they are with their Dad then all those conversations should be had with him, not her

I find that really sad. And I would be very disappointed if DD's stepmum wasn't willing to be involved in discussions about DD. She's parenting her - she needs to be involved.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2017 15:59

"Bertrand but why is it perfectly normal not to want to?

Surely it's understandable for the
Op to want to meet and get at least a civil relationship with the other adult so involved in her child's like and surely it's just good manners and empathy for the other adult to understand this?"

Of course it's understandable. And I agree that it would probably be a good idea in most cases. But I can quite unspderstand why the new partner wouldn't want to. And as I said, you either trust the NRP or you don't.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 30/04/2017 16:07

Like it's been mentioned a court will often put in an arrangement that the NRP has to wait a certain amount of time before introducing kids. And also that the adults meet before a permanent move if agreed between the parents.

It's not unusual.

The conversation went:

Ex: so we have a move in date on X, shall I give you the address for the nursery (also some stuff about what size quilt she needs for her bed)

Me: yeah or you can just email them. It would be nice to meet Y before you all move in together

Ex: yeah I'll ask her, go to Z for a coffee or something? DC can play in the park

Me: yeah sounds cool

Ex then text 3 days later and said it's a no go.

It is what it is, there's nothing I can do about it. The glee on here and hammering home "you have no control, you have no control" from stepmothers is weird. Yeah we get it, I get it.

OP posts:
itsmine · 30/04/2017 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mombie2016 · 30/04/2017 16:18

First (and only) time ExDP introduced our DC to his (now ExGF) I was fuming - I didn't even know she existed, it was Boxing Day, it was only 4 months after we'd split up, and our eldest (4) wasn't handling it very well at all. I soon caught on that she was actually the OW and until then I'd not even suspected there had been an OW.

Anyway. I fumed but it had already been done so I let it slide. ExDP wouldn't even tell me her name let alone anything about her Shock (turns out she was 19) She "met" our DC another 6 times over 2 months before declaring she didn't "do" children Hmm don't shag a man with a 4 and 1 year old then you daft bint

Then I had eldest DC asking where she was, why didn't they see her any more, why wouldn't Daddy answer her questions Angry He stayed with her for another year after that, finally dumping her when she said to him "Your children don't matter to me because in my world they don't exist." Shock

That was 3 years ago. He's been single ever since. He's apologised for how he handled it all. And has agreed that in future it will be done differently. Whether he sticks to that or not I don't know.

But yeah it's shit.

Mupflup · 30/04/2017 16:18

I was the new girlfriend in your situation and I went ahead with the 'meeting' (which ex-W insisted on before SS was 'allowed' to stay overnight after we moved in together and I felt I had no choice but to go along with). It was horribly awkward and Ex-W asked some quite intrusive and tbh downright odd questions (what experience did I have with children, did I want any of my own, what did i do for a living, was my job financially secure????!), and kept looking at my jewellery, my handbag etc as if she was trying to make some kind of assessment of me. I reckoned she just wanted a nosey at me and used it as an excuse to meet me. I wouldn't put myself through it again tbh!

gluteustothemaximus · 30/04/2017 16:22

I agree Rugrats. You sound great, asked about it in a cool breezy way, and got a no. I'd meet you. I'd want to meet anyone who has lots of contact with my children. I'd extend the same courtesy the other way too.

I don't get the glee of 'he's the parent, he's in charge, his time, his rules, get over it blah blah blah'.

You're not trying to hold an interview, wanting her banned, paraded or whatever else has been suggested.

And yes, I would meet any adult if my child was invited over for tea. I got dumped anywhere because I'd been invited for tea, and got into all sorts of horrible situations because no one checked out the adults in question.

I hope she meets you at some point OP. There really is a point.

GreatFuckability · 30/04/2017 16:27

I'm a mother who's children have a stepmother. I've met her once, very briefly. they'd known her about a year before that point. I didn't feel the need to meet her beforehand. the children like her, thats all that matters to me.
If she had asked to meet me before the ex had stayed over with her, i'd probably have politely declined because of the extreme awkwardness that I cba with.

GreatFuckability · 30/04/2017 16:29

Also, do courts really insist that parents meet potential step parents?? As far as my dealings go, i know plenty of cases where the PARENTS don't even speak and as long as it doesn't hinder contact, courts are A-ok with it.

Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 16:32

It's a shame she doesn't want to meet you, as it's probably helpful for her if you have some actual contact too.

However these situations can be tricky - if she feels summonsed or that it's part of previous dynamics she'll back off. Are you sure you are being sensitive enough?

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 16:32

She will be. With her dp

Would be an utter waste of time here. So in situations where ex-H is away and step-mum is in sole care, any discussions would be far easier with me surely than with me via DP.

I hate all this angst surrounding how relationships work. If you're all adults you can all communicate with each other, you don't need to go via other adults. It is all a bit playground. DD's stepmum is a parent just as much as I am - therefore we chat to each other surrounding the mutual child all three of us are parenting

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2017 16:39

"And yes, I would meet any adult if my child was invited over for tea"

How on earth do you do that?
"Would Horatio like to come for to on Thursday?"
"Can I have a list of everyone who might be in the house on Thursday and their phone numbers? I'll set up meetings tomorrow and the next day and let you know on Wedensday if everyone's checked out OK"

itsmine · 30/04/2017 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 16:45

Good that that works for you. It doesn't for a lot of rps and nrps though, nothing 'playground' about it

Having to chat to a step-parent via the biological parent is a bit playground though isn't it. Honestly?

Unless there are massive back issues at play. I do think a LOT of step mums (possibly step-fathers too although you don't tend to see as much vitriol) get a really rough deal. It isn't fair to start of their relationship with your children on the wrong foot by being anything other than accepting that you're now working as a team.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 16:46

*start off not start of!

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 30/04/2017 16:57

Bert, no you say "ok cool I'll drop her round at 4, then you get out the car say hello, exchange pleasantries and leave.

And most parents would do that for a one off play date. For someone who's spending time every week with your child I'd say it's the least you would do.

Let's stretch this out, ex goes to work and his girlfriend is looking after DD. She takes DD to town and I'm in town too. I then bump into them and I don't even know the person who's looking after DD? You'd be happy with your DH/P arranging a childminder or babysitter for the DC and you'd have no interest in meeting them? Putting a face to the name? Really?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 30/04/2017 16:59

Jacques, in all seriousness, a woman with no children who's known my ex for 7 mths is not as much of the team or a parent as I am. There's being right on and then theirs being ridiculous.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 30/04/2017 17:05

"Bert, no you say "ok cool I'll drop her round at 4, then you get out the car say hello, exchange pleasantries and leave."

But that's not meeting any adult in the house, is it?

Yes, I agree with you that meeting your ex's new partner would be the best thing to do. I just think that she has a right to say she doesn't want to meet you. Why might she have sole care of your child, by the way?

itsmine · 30/04/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 17:14

Jacques, in all seriousness, a woman with no children who's known my ex for 7 mths is not as much of the team or a parent as I am. There's being right on and then theirs being ridiculous

Or there's just being flexible.

If you dismiss other's situations in quite such a wholesale fashion as "right on" and "ridiculous" then maybe your ex's new partner is in the right to not want to meet with you after all.

Blinkyblink · 30/04/2017 17:17

I haven't read the entire thread.

I totally get why you want to.

However ask yourself what you will get out of it. Worst case scenario and she's awful, your ex isn't going to dump her in the basis of your opinion.

Also, a coffee is so artificial. She may be a slow burner. She may be shy. So many what ifs.

I think you have to let it go

Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 17:25

Building relationships takes time. So OP if you reasonable then you will get to meet her. And if you have the patience to meet on her terms, even if it's months from now, it'll be worth it.

Don't be too needy now if she doesn't want to. Painful though it is, we don't get to control what and who is in our kids lives with the Ex. I've been a step mum too with a very horrible mum - who I would have loved to have had some kind of an OK relationship as I did end up 'parent' to the kids most of the time. So if you and she are OK - you'll get there!

Lelloteddy · 30/04/2017 17:27

'Or there's just being flexible'

And shouldn't that apply to the new girlfriend?

I do think that having or not having kids or your own has a huge impact in these situations. I was able to empathise with DPs Ex and her fears about me meeting their kids so, although their is no love lost, from the beginning I was mindful and respectful that my introduction to the kids was a difficult issue for her, because she's a mother and not a machine. Despite the fact that she initiated their separation, despite the fact that the kids are older, despite the fact that I'm actually a really nice person ( but how is she to know that Wink ) So I went along with her insistence on meeting me. Didn't like it. But mature and secure enough to do it.

There is such a lack of empathy demonstrated to parents whose children are being introduced to new partners/potential step parents. I think it's actually quite depressing how little understanding their is about the strength of parental bonds with a child and after the emotional traumas of separation and divorce, a bit more maturity and compromise from the new person entering these children's lives would go a long way to sooth transitions into new situations. Anything else smacks of immaturity and insecurity. If you're asked to meet another adult and you aren't able to put whatever issue you have to one side for something which will ultimately benefit a child, then there's no wonder so many issues arise in 'blended' families.

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