To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

[Rugratstruggles]

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

YANBU in wanting to meet her. New dp is NBU in not wanting to meet you. You cant force her, and if she doesnt want to meet you it doesnt make her immature/selfish/lacking in experience. All it means is that she doesnt feel the need to get to know you. Tbh if i was her, I wouldnt want to meet you neither. If it happened naturally id be fine, but being summoned to a meeting, eh no thanks, got better things to do with my time. What are expecting to happen at this meeting. Are you gonna lay down the rules of rearing your children? You dont need to meet her. Are you going to insist on meeting everyone your dp has around the dc when he has them?

Yanbu to want to meet her. I think going for coffee is setting up the meeting to be a bit awkward though. I'm not sure what would be better either. It's a difficult one.

You wouldn't want to meet someone (anyone) who was spending that amount of time with your child?

No.
My childrens FATHER is spending the time with the children. I met my ex's girlfriend long after they'd moved in and she'd spent time with the children. Not through any set up meeting.
I think the nasty comments towards the gf are unnecessary. You don't know her. You dont know her reasons. She doesn't even need a reason.
I think it's bizarre to want that level of control if they are spending time with a perfectly capable PARENT. No way would I present myself for that kind of inspection. Sorry, 'meeting'

YANBU. I would want to meet someone if my children were spending lots of time with them, possibly staying with them at their home. Definitely would want to meet them, I also wouldn't have a problem with meeting my partners ex assuming they had children together. Same goes for my ex wanting to meet my partner, but I guess not everyone would be open to do that and there's nothing you can do if she doesn't want to meet you. It depends how old your DD is aswell, if she's a teenager...that's different. There would be no need for you to meet her.

If I had another mother's child in my house, and that mother wanted to meet me, I would.

I did have this situation long time ago before
I had kids. Ex wanted to meet me as I was there looking after her child. More than happy to put her mind at rest and reassure her.

Now I have children, am so glad I did that. My kids wouldn't sleep anywhere without me knowing who was there.

OP has handled it all very maturely, and sad other lady hasn't taken her up on the polite invitation to meet. Saying there's no point, well, that's not really nice IMO.

I'd say in general everyone should meet. I like the analogy of XH visiting the nursery to meet the staff - it's a similar sort of thing isn't it.

I am a stepmum - my DPs ex made it very clear she expected to meet me before I even MET DSS, nevermind stayed over.

To be honest, I was fine with that. DSS was four. It took all of five minutes just to say hi, I'm so and so, and I think it just puts the mind at rest - no idea why. I imagine DSS's mums concerns were that she didn't like DP and always undermined him, so this may have just been another way to do so (this is hindsight looking back).

If the situation arose with myself and DP splitting and my DS having a stepmother or Daddy's girlfriend, I too would probably prefer to meet her before DS stayed with them all under the roof. I think it depends on the child, but from my point of view, I think it can actually reassure a child that the situation is normal and healthy if the adults can get together and show friendliness toward another. Obviously for situations where splits are nasty, this isn't achievable, but in the OPs case, a simple hi could make her DD feel more at ease - she sounds young (mention of nursery) so her attachments are forming rapidly and to know Mummy and Daddy's girlfriend get on (even at face value) could have a significant impact on DD feeling safe.

ExH met my dp before he met my dad and I met his dp before she met dd and ds. I wanted to meet the woman who would be spending a lot of time with my dc.
I felt it was important to discuss how I felt about another woman playing such an important part in my children's lives and she was more than happy to meet me too!
Personally, I was very uncomfortable with the idea of not meeting her first!

Ugh missed section out of second paragraphs -

Even if DSSs mum had wanted to meet me, undermining or not, I had no issue. Neither her nor my DP had done this before and both wanted to look out for the best interests of their son. I too wanted that so was more than happy to say hello. I get on with DSS mum - we parent different, she doesn't like DP at all, but we get on despite that as she doesn't have an issue with me and vice versa

Ugh missed section out of second paragraphs -

Even if DSSs mum had wanted to meet me, undermining or not, I had no issue. Neither her nor my DP had done this before and both wanted to look out for the best interests of their son. I too wanted that so was more than happy to say hello. I get on with DSS mum - we parent different, she doesn't like DP at all, but we get on despite that as she doesn't have an issue with me and vice versa

Goddamn autocorrect!!! Dad should be DD!

Yanbu, in my opinion. My exh's gf was a mystery to me, the kids were sleeping at her house once a week, spending loads of time with her and he would not even tell me her name. I found it unnerving. Years later I discovered they weren't given pyjamas when sleeping at hers and they slept in the basement where a male relative of hers lived!

If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd totally understand and make myself available to meet. Why not?

I don't think your being unreasonable at all.
When I got together with my now 2 exs as it got serious I text exdh to let him know and offered him chance to meet and we always said should he meet anyone he'd do the same. We have 50/50 shared care so any new partner would be around ds quite a chunk of time and I'd like to put a face to a name that my ds would be talking about. ( he's still single so hasn't arose yet tho)
I've been on the other side to, another ex had a daughter. His ex immediately asked to meet me and I had no problem at all meeting her and a few years on I still actually meet up with her for play dates and we also message each other via Facebook. We always got on very well and I liked her as an individual and I always treat their daughter like my own and also the woman's first child ( not his bio daughter) would come along as she was the same age as my first dd.
To outsiders we had a strange setup - my own family found it strange but it just worked for us as we got on so well and respected each other as mothers.
I still miss those two girls as they had become a big part of my life and I like that their mother never cut me off after ex cheated and left.
If she doesn't have kids ( haven't read full thread) then I can see why she wouldn't be keen on meeting you but surely your ex should help promote the idea as its understandable why you'd want to meet her

I think it is unreasonable to expect it. She has no obligation. She will be moving in whether you like her or not so I think I would see it as a bit pointless. If you were trying to 'vet' her and deciding whether she is a suitable person for your ex to live with, I would be insulted in her shoes.

YANBU

In our case it was actually GF who suggested we meet as she wanted me to be comfortable with her being around DD. Part of the reason I respect her so much.

She and I now have a relationship in our own right. Coffees, lunches out etc.

YANBU to want to meet her and she is NBU to decline.
You will probably meet her naturally as time goes on but your suggestion does come across as you will be vetting that she is good enough to be around your child. Your ex has already decided she is so unless you have any concerns about his parenting ability YABU to judge her for declining.

What do you hope to gain by a half hour coffee meeting?
You wont get to know her in that time.
Even seriel killers can dupe somebody for half an hour.
All this meeting is, is a way for you to assert yourself. You want to meet her so she knows who is in control and to prove your position in your childs life.

I've known sds since he was 2, twenty odd years now.

I have never met his mother.

I posted on a similar forum once, i'd known now dh all of a couple of months. Ex didn't know where i lived, or in what type of housing (i was in student housing with 4 other mid twenties adults). She knew absolutely nothing about me.

She needed childcare to go out shopping with a friend. Dh had a meeting at work be couldn't miss (in an if you want him to keep his job and ability to contribute to his child way). So she asked if I'd have the child for the day. I said no as a) i knew fuck all about children, and b) i'd never met the child, and c) a student house was not safe for a 2 year old. I couldn't babysit at hers as she didn't want anyone to know her om had moved in.

I was told on the forum at the time when i asked if she was as mad as i thought asking, that IWBU as she obviously trusted dh, and therefore me, by association. If dh deemed me good enough for a relationship, i was good enough to look after the dc.

It's a tricky one. Personally I feel the same as you but I can understand how some people can feel the opposite.

When my DCs met their dad's new partner I suggested I drop them off and I would go in for five minutes to say Hi. DS6 took a bunch of flowers for her.

I was really glad we all felt the same way but sadly, if you've asked and they're not cooperating, I don't think there's much you can do.

If she doesn't have children of her own then she'll be focusing on the fact you're his ex, rather than you're the mother of his child.
She may be one of those people who doesn't like their partner having ties to their exes, be it due to insecurity, her own personal experiences, or just a general way of thinking.
Without meaning any disrespect, offense or anything else negative, you're "baggage" for want of a better word, that comes with the fact her partner has a child. Accepting he has a daughter also means accepting there is another woman who will always feature in his life, whom he has had an emotional and physical intimate relationship with, with whom he has to have life long amicable contact with.
That's as much to take on again as him having a child is. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that she wants to meet now or possibly ever, and i think it's unfair to ask her to. You trusted your ex to have a baby together, i think you need to trust in his choice of partner.

I don't think it is fair she was referred to as "immature" by a previous poster, in fact i'd say the opposite. She has to be understanding and accepting of there being 2 other people in his life who realistically come before she does when it comes to his priorities.

Personally, i couldn't handle having a partners ex involved in any capacity, so i wouldn't get involved with a man with children. I have a lot of respect for men and women who can, they're better people than i am.

@alternative Why on earth is that insulting? If you have been the child in an acrimonious divorce between two warring parents then you are bound to appreciate your new boyfriend remaining on good terms with his ex. It could well be one of the reasons you like that person - because he is still in his daughter's life and respects the mother of his child. The same child you are going to see 2/7 days...if you have been in that child's situation then you would want to promote positive relationships, surely? You don't have to answer but had your partner's ex wanted to meet you then, would you have said no? And if they did, and you said no, what made you say no?

You said that her not wanting to meet is because she has no life experience. That is an insult.

I am a child who's parents split at age 6. There is no mention of acrimonious divorce here.

Being paraded in front of the ex wife. Not for me thanks. If you don't trust him to have an adult relationship with the next person that comes along, then perhaps you shouldn't have had a child with him in the first place.

YANBU to want to meet her but she is NBU not wanting to. She probably feels that she are wanting to vet her suitability.

I imagine if she posted here to say DP's ex is insisting that she has a meeting with me before letting DsD say the night in the same house as me, the responses would have a rather different slant.

DS1's Dad had a lot of girlfriends when we first split up. He introduced at least 5 to DS1. In an ideal world I'd have preferred him not to, but had no control over how he spent his time with DS so let it go; the alternative was that I'd resent him and his behaviour and I preferred not to go down that route.

When DH and I got to the point where we were serious but he hadn't met DS1 yet, I asked Ex if he'd like to meet DH. To my surprise he did. We went out for coffee and they got on famously. Ten years on I know Ex's DP well, Ex and DH still get on well and it's as civilised as it can be. When Ex moved in with his DP he bought her here to meet us, more so that she could get to know us and see that Ex and I - whilst tied together for the sake of DS1 - have nothing else binding us. There's no leftover resentment or feeling, we're kind to one another purely because we have a child. I know initially she was reluctant to move in with Ex because of him having children and because we got on well, so it allayed her concerns I think.

YANBU to ask. In a perfect world it would be the appropriate thing to just say a quick "hi, I'm Whoo" and begin things nicely. But not everyone sees it that way and not everyone will agree. All you can do is ask and leave things open for in future so if she comes to drop your DD off you can wave and say hello.

Yeah, I think you are being unreasonable. What are you going to do if you don't like her? Ban your kids from going? And I don't think you can really tell what someone is like from one coffee. I think you need to trust your ex's judgement.