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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

186 replies

Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:07

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit Hmm about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Annie592 · 28/04/2017 22:43

I'm with you OP. I find that really odd. Your daughter is going to be an important part of her life, so meeting her daughter's mother and trying to establish a good relationship with both of you surely should at least be something she wants to TRY and make work? She sounds selfish to me, if she was interested in your DD's wellbeing she really should make the effort- it's meeting for cofffee for gods sake not a week's holiday. Whether she likes it or not, you and your ex are forever linked by your DD, so saying 'what's the point' of meeting seems very childish to me.

workingmumsarebad · 28/04/2017 22:44

You are normal - but the control is hers.

You are about to learn how much you are going to have to suck up all th changes that will inevitably happen once they move in.

Everyone who says yes but their father is looking after them, you should trust him - you probably do - but when he pops out to the shops - someone you do not know is looking after your pride and joy - of course you are concerned.

mummymummums · 28/04/2017 22:44

YANBU and it's a shame she wouldn't meet you. You have no right to meet her but it's sad she refused as it'd be nice for the children to see all is good between you.

PuffinNose · 28/04/2017 22:45

I think you are being perfectly reasonable asking to meet the person helping to look after your kid.
However, maybe she isn't ready to meet you and wants to build a relationship with your child before you which I can understand.
You say you trust your ex and it sounds likd they are in a long term relationship so msybe right now you just need to work with your ex to ease your child into it all.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:54

LTR of 7 mths. So how much can you really know anyone in that time?

And no I wouldn't stop DD from going there if I didn't like her. Legally I wouldn't have a leg to stand on and she adores her father, that's not who I am.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/04/2017 22:54

YADNBU. It's a shane she sat on her phone in the car. I think that is either rude or very nervous of you. Nervous you are the rd partner or nervous you are the mum.

She is a bit foolish too as a good relationship with you could help her relationship with your ex and your dd, but a bad one may hinder it.

You are being the grown up one, I feel.

GinSwigmore · 28/04/2017 22:55

might not

@alternative
Why on earth is that insulting? If you have been the child in an acrimonious divorce between two warring parents then you are bound to appreciate your new boyfriend remaining on good terms with his ex. It could well be one of the reasons you like that person - because he is still in his daughter's life and respects the mother of his child. The same child you are going to see 2/7 days...if you have been in that child's situation then you would want to promote positive relationships, surely?
You don't have to answer but had your partner's ex wanted to meet you then, would you have said no? And if they did, and you said no, what made you say no?

Italiangreyhound · 28/04/2017 22:55

Ex not rd

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 28/04/2017 23:00

I'm a child of divorced parents and I think you SHOULD show the interest you have.

I have allllll sorts of hang ups as my mum was so bonkers about my dads next two wives ... yeah 2 haha

But my MUM left my dad for someone else then was weird and jealous of his new partners which was ridiculous

Charley50 · 28/04/2017 23:09

Haha indeed QOD.. My DP's ex won't hear anything about me, even though she ended the relationship before we met.. It seems I can never be mentioned, and if I am; silence from her to him for up to a year..! (Been together many many years). And it's had a massively detrimental effect on contact with DC.

On the other hand, I was very happy to meet my exes DP.. Who then became his DW. She is much nicer than my ex frankly, and yes I think knowing her had helped things run smoothly re: his relationship with DS, and contact etc.

Maybe offer again soon OP.

MrsTwix · 28/04/2017 23:11

I'm a step mum. I'm lucky that DSDs mum has always made an effort to be nice to me, I've always tried to be nice to her too, and I do think it's totally understandable that you want to meet someone who is going to be in your child's life.

It was worrying for me the first time we met but it was fine. I consider her family now in a funny sort of way. Kind of like an extra SIL. She is also the best person to talk to when MIL is getting on my nerves because she has been there and done that

ProudBadMum · 28/04/2017 23:14

I wouldn't want to meet either. What do you say?

Hey I'm shagging the bloke you used to shag?

My ex and partner won't meet either other than a nod when we do hand over. That's fine for us

I know his bird because she's my ex best mate so a sit down for coffee wouldn't not be needed

GinSwigmore · 28/04/2017 23:20

^ fickle human nature QOD? "I don't want him but don't want you to have him" Sad but can happen I guess.

I totally understand why a new girlfriend would not want to meet the ex if
a) the new gf had been the ow and broke them up
b) if she thought the bf was not over his ex wife or vice versa
c) if she had been sold/told the ex was this, that and the other
But these circumstances don't appear to be the case.

My mum didn't want to meet new gf or offer to because it was too painful. She didn't even know of her existence until she had already moved in.
We told her (ouch).
Which is why I respect both the OP and her ex for being amicable and open about things.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 28/04/2017 23:32

Incidentally my mums second husband has now left her for someone else.

She wanted to know what my bio dad thought about it all
His quote to me was "what goes around
Comes around" but I kept my mouth shut 🙄

Graphista · 28/04/2017 23:33

YANBU and I'm always astonished that people on mn think people in the ops position ARE being unreasonable.

She is going to be spending a LOT of time caring for/with your daughter of whom you are the primary carer.

My ex resisted my wanting to do this. We were going through court anyway regarding access (for lots of other reasons) on this issue the judge agreed with me and stipulated that a meeting happen in the contact order.

Upon meeting it became clear that ex didn't want us meeting as he'd told each of us a load of utter lies about each other!

That she was mug enough to go on to marry him etc is her lookout.

I like her a lot and she has always been good to dd as have her family. Better actually than my ex and his family!

Personally I think barring any likelihood of violence/abuse I think it should be the norm that the other parent gets to meet their ex's new partner. I'm not meaning EVERYONE they ever date, but if it's serious and the DC are going to be meeting yes definitely.

And I agree she sounds immature and rude. It does her no harm to introduce herself and be polite and ensure smooth communication between all the adults primarily in your DC's life.

My ex's new person was only 19 at the time and was very nervous but handled the meeting with good manners and good grace. I'm guessing the lady in question is a few years older and has no excuse for her behaviour.

JustSpeakSense · 28/04/2017 23:40

YANBU I would feel the same, don't know why she's being weird about it, perhaps she's a bit socially awkward (intimidated by you?) hence talking on her phone to avoid meeting you the first time.

VimFuego101 · 28/04/2017 23:51

YANBU, I can't imagine sending my child off to a house unless I'd met everyone who lived there I am overprotective though. If my partner's ex requested this, I can't imagine refusing.

greenworm · 29/04/2017 00:13

I understand your drive and curiosity to meet her, but I think it's wrong to want to "meet her before my DC sleep there" because that frames it as some kind of vetting process or interview. It gets it off on totally the wrong foot.

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/04/2017 00:20

Yanbu. She's not being very mature is she and certainly not trying to see it from your point of view or indeed not thinking of what might be best for the kids.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/04/2017 00:27

Wow, YANBU.

And she's not covering herself in glory, is she...

Your DH should be doing all he can to facilitate this.

You had an amicable break-up - the ducks are all lined up for you both to co-parent positively, and to gradually introduce new people into your DC's life who could well become important to them, and to basically have a really caring healthy set-up. And she wants to be a little thorn in the side of that.

Nowt so queer, right...

LurpakIstheOnlyButter · 29/04/2017 00:31

YABU. I was forced to meet DHs ex wife. She grilled me. Then she bitched about me to anyone who would listen. I have spent the last 7 years building my own reputation to replace the one she gave me. (and that of my 'chav' children)

I care for DSC. I am not a wicked stepmother.

Louiselouie0890 · 29/04/2017 00:33

There's the whole you have no right what happens when in his care blah blah but for me at least if I take on someone's child and plan to be a family that also includes respecting the actual mother and making sure we have a decent peaceful relationship. Yes she might be nervous but she doesn't have to meet you alone plus what's she going to do a blood you the rest of the time there in a relationship lol I just think it's making a situation difficult when all she has really is to gain a respectful relationship. I did date a guy a few years ago the moment he taught his daughter to call me mum I walked away I thought it was ridiculous.

GinSwigmore · 29/04/2017 00:36

Lurpak Flowers
We can only go on what she's told us, that the OP is a nice ex wife rather than a slandering Spanish inquisitioner.

Louiselouie0890 · 29/04/2017 00:38

A blood supposed to be avoid daft auto correct

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/04/2017 00:42

That's terrible Lurpak - but doesn't in any way make the OP unreasonable.