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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

186 replies

Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:07

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit Hmm about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
isupposeitsverynice · 29/04/2017 09:41

Maybe give her a bit of time, is she younger than you? My ex's new partner is younger and I think it was hard for her becoming part of the family unit as opposed to just being a girlfriend like most people do. She was a massive prat in a lot of ways. They've been together ages now, longer than me and dh. And she makes a huge effort to be polite and friendly, offers me tea when I do pick ups, saves me bits of cake when she bakes, compliments me and all sorts! Most importantly her relationship with ds has developed into something really special for both of them so I think for generally reasonable people it just takes time to settle into the oh-so weird dynamics of separated/blended families.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 29/04/2017 10:01

Why all the talk of "banning" "parading" and "inspecting".

It's natural curiosity as a parent to want to meet someone your child spends a significant amount of time with. Should I have told ex he should trust my judgement and didn't need to go to nursery to "inspect" the teachers?

OP posts:
FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 10:03

Teachers are very diffetent from somebody you are in a relationship with and know intimately Hmm

itsmine · 29/04/2017 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rossigigi · 29/04/2017 10:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
My ex met my dp and I met his dp's when the relationships first started. Only one of his dp wouldn't come in to the house etc and I must admit I was thankful when that relationship ended. His dp now has our son overnight when his dad is working away which I'm fine about (he works after school closer to their home than mine and is 17 btw).

BertrandRussell · 29/04/2017 10:11

"YANBU, I can't imagine sending my child off to a house unless I'd met everyone who lived there"
Blimey. That must make it tricky when your child goes out to tea!

AlternativeTentacle · 29/04/2017 10:13

It's natural curiosity as a parent

So you are not judging, just nosy?

What are you going to do if she does not meet your standards? What are your standards?

If you don't trust his judgement, why have kids with him?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 29/04/2017 10:17

What are you going to glean from meeting her? How long will you have to spend with her to allay any concerns you have? Will it be something about her physical appearance that will make you less worried?

What will happen if you don't like her? Will you stop the kids from going to see their dad? Will you ask their dad not to move in with her?

Just trying to understand what you're hoping to happen.

My personal view is yes, meet her and say hello. It's always good to be on friendly terms with ex partners and their new partners. It's really good for the kids. But trusting your ex, as your kid's other parent, to make sensible decisions, is also something you will need to do.

HarmlessChap · 29/04/2017 10:18

Should I have told ex he should trust my judgement and didn't need to go to nursery to "inspect" the teachers?

Not a valid comparison, she isn't being paid to take care of you DD she is your Ex's new partner.

Peanutbutterrules · 29/04/2017 10:19

Its your appraoch that's unreasonable. Suggesting that it would be nice to put 'a face to a name' and that you'd like to meet her is fine. She can come to pick up/drop off and do a smile and hand shake.

Suggesting a coffee with her is making it too intense, too much like an interview. She has every right to refuse. Just as any partner of yours has the right to refuse to meet your ex in a similar way. It just feels too much like your going to judge her suitability.

My DH said his ex wanted to meet me - fine. I came to pick up, came into the house, chatted for 10/25 minutes with her. Job done. We don't like each other at all, very different approaches to just about everything.

Difficult for everyone.

Trifleorbust · 29/04/2017 10:19

Rugratstruggles:

Teachers and schools have a professional duty of care. Your ex is entirely within his rights to make decisions about his child's education. Unfortunately in this situation you don't have rights. He can live with anyone he wants and the reality is you can't do anything about it. So although it is natural to be curious, you are unreasonable to expect her to comply just because you wish it.

Blondienut · 29/04/2017 10:27

Happened to me the other way around. DH ex demanded to meet me when I moved in with him (had meet her and chatted briefly at pick ups before)- firstly said that she and her mother wanted to meet me but I refused that as felt like I was being interviewed. I was happy to go and meet her on her own though as felt that I would appreciate the same if it was me. Met her for a coffee and it was a disaster. She spent most of the time talking about my dh and telling me what a dick he was. I kept my cool and said I wasn't here to talk about my dh I was here to talk about kids-think I said that about ten times. She wouldn't stop so I excused myself politely!

Chesntoots · 29/04/2017 10:30

I can understand why you would want to meet her. My dad and step-father used to get on really well and it made a massive difference. I had two dads.

BUT, I have been on the other side where I was told by my ex-p that his ex wanted to meet me "to ask me some questions" before I met his child. Hahahahaha - fuck right off. It's not a job interview, what on earth gave her the right to think I should answer to her? I had no objection to meeting (that would be silly), but there is no way on earth I was going to subject myself to interrogation...

I'm sure you will meet at some point, but as others have suggested, it might be better to let it happen when it happens. Less stress all round!

egginacup · 29/04/2017 10:40

I think it's best to let it happen naturally.

I haven't met exH's girlfriend, and exH hasn't met my boyfriend. My BF also has kids and I haven't met his ex either. I imagine it might happen at some point, but I don't see the need for a formal pre-arranged meeting, I think that would just feel awkward.

TheFifthKey · 29/04/2017 11:00

It sounds like she couldn't do right for doing wrong - it's apparently rude for her to sit in the car, but if she'd come in and introduced herself some people would find that disarming and be complaining she was too forward and they needed advanced warning before meeting someone. I would guess she felt awkward and unsure of how to play it so stayed on her phone as a way of making sure she wasn't drawn into any situation that would have been weird. Seems a pretty normal type of reaction really.

nelipotter · 29/04/2017 11:51

It's not 'judging' 'vetting' 'inspecting 'banning'. It's an introduction ffs. I cannot IMAGINE not being willing to meet the mother of my partners childrens. If I am in a relationship with a man with kids, and moving in with him, I am entering a care role with those children. Which will no doubt include pick ups and drop offs and looking after them by myself. Why on earth wouldn't you want to have met the ex?

You don't need to be besties. What if there was an emergency? What if something happened to DH or the kids? wouldn't you want to be on a first name basis at least?
Seems very weird, and like it will set up a precedent for weird avoidance behaviors.

Of course, if she is just hectic with work and moving, maybe she just means next week or whatever. Or could the ex be putting words in his new gf's mouth?

BurningViolin · 29/04/2017 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BurningViolin · 29/04/2017 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/04/2017 12:57

The difference is though the op is wanting to satisfy herself due to it being her child involved with the new partner so no its not the same at all respecting the new partners point of view. She doesn't have a child in the middle of it.

Also, all the points made about trusting the judgment of the ex. Well tbh in many cases it will have been a lack of trust and poor judgement that resulted in the split in the first place. So why should the RP trust judgment?

HarmlessChap · 29/04/2017 13:00

It's not 'judging' 'vetting' 'inspecting 'banning'. It's an introduction ffs.

But the op said she wanted to meet her before her DC sleeps there. Which does very much come across as wanting to check her out and has also likened it to her DH checking out the staff at the nursery she'd selected.

FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 13:06

Are you saying nrps cant be trusted and are at fault for the relatjonship breaking down Willy ? Confused

AlternativeTentacle · 29/04/2017 13:09

The difference is though the op is wanting to satisfy herself

About what? What will happen if the OP is not satisfied?

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/04/2017 13:11

Flossy

Sometimes clearly. Why is that odd?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 29/04/2017 13:14

Of course you are not being unreasonable

It is your business who your child will be spending a lot of time with and it's reasonable that you want to know them a bit better than you do already

You don't stop being a parent just becuase your child isn't at home with you

FlossymooToo · 29/04/2017 13:23

Its odd to lay all of the blame at the nrp doir and feel the rp has all the power will

If they cannot be trusted to choose a suitable partner then what sort of rp happily trusts them with a child? It all sounds very crazy ex controlling to me.

No you dont stop being a parent Enthus but you do stop being in control of how the other parent behaves.