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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my exs partner before my DC sleep there

186 replies

Rugratstruggles · 28/04/2017 22:07

I'm not sure if I am.

They're moving in together next week. I've never met her, DD has met her a few times over the last three months. DD stays twice a week with her dad.

I asked if we could meet for a coffee, ex said that's fine I'll set something up. Tonight he said she doesn't want to me and doesn't see the point.

I'm a bit Hmm about it. I trust exs judgement but it would be nice to put a face to the person DD lives with twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 29/04/2017 21:15

My ex's new partner called me on the phone, just said she wanted to say Hi and that hoped things would be okay between us, how much she enjoyed having my ds around and that she hoped I would feel okay about her being around. It was a nice gesture, I wasn't expecting it and we would have eventually met in passing but I really appreciated that and actually we became quite good friends.
I met my DH's ex casually at a drop off, she invited me in for a cup of tea. All was fine, 13 years on I can't say we will ever be particularly friendly as she is quite unpleasant to my DH but we are certainly amicable towards each other.
YANBU for wanting to meet her, but I do agree with others that a casual 'come in for a cuppa' at next drop off would be better than a formal arranged meeting - it's actually quite intimidating meeting an ex partner!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 29/04/2017 21:30

itsmine

What ds does at anytime while he is still a young child is my business

And it is also his dads business

I would never say to ds dad what ds is doing/meeting is none of his business and I wouldn't expect him to say that to me

user1472557500 · 29/04/2017 21:51

YANBU x 1000

To have to even ask this question is beyond belief! Of course you should meet the people who will be in your child's life. You would expect to meet their nursery staff, their teachers, their childminder, their babysitter, their dance teacher, their swimming coach, their best friends Mum... the list goes on.

This woman owes you a meeting regardless of whether your ex sleeps with her or not and his parental responsibility does not negate yours. Basically just because he thinks it's okay doesn't mean that you don't also have to also.

FlossyMooToo · 29/04/2017 22:00

This women owes the OP nothing!

Christ some women love a power trip Hmm
This women has a relationship with the father and his daughter. Not the ex. The father has parental responsibility just like mum.
I detest the my babz my rulz clan.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/04/2017 22:03

Yanbu. I can't think of a good reason why she won't agree to meet you. The split was amicable.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/04/2017 22:15

I think its a bit pointless tbh, you cant know someone after one meeting

No but your children can see you being friendly,
They can hear you say you like them

That is important

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/04/2017 22:20

It's not unusual for judges to include these sort of meetings during contact.
Usually when both parents appear to be fairly reasonable and have the ability to prioritise the child's needs not usually when one or the other appears to be unable to or as if they are unreasonable

itsmine · 30/04/2017 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MycatsaPirate · 30/04/2017 10:53

YABU

My dp's ex gatecrashed our party and just walked into the house and sat down and started talking to all our guests (obviously people she knew) and I ended up sat in the garden with a couple of people feeling bloody awkward. Her excuse was her DD had forgotten her jacket and she was bringing it round. She stayed for an hour.

The next time we met she 'popped round' because she needed to bring something over for their DD. She was offered a cup of tea and she sat and chatted away all friendly. Then proceeded to bitch about me to all their mutual friends, to dp every time they spoke and quite frankly I wish she had just kept away.

Now I have nothing to do with her. I don't trust her. She told my dp I was claiming benefits fraudulently (which I wasn't), that I was faking my disability (dp can testify that's a load of bollocks), she told everyone I was horrible to their dd and basically did all she could to destroy my relationship with her child.

Just leave them alone. There will come a time when you will meet and if you've kept out of THEIR relationship then hopefully she will be happy to meet you then.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 30/04/2017 13:58

Mycats, your projecting a little there

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 30/04/2017 14:43

Really? Is this out of your concern for your dc or because you want to control things? It's absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You let your dc go with their dad and are confident to do so knowing he has their best interests at heart. So therefore you should be confident that he has a new partner who he trusts with the dc.

You cannot control who your dc come into contact with while in his care. At all.

I don't see what you hope to gain from forcing a meeting with her. Just let things progress at their own rate. You'll have a better relationship with her later than if you put her on the back foot by insisting on bloody interviewing her now.

Lelloteddy · 30/04/2017 14:45

Do you have children Mycats?

FlindersKeepers · 30/04/2017 14:48

YANBU to be curious, but YABU if you tried to force it.
My partner has two kids, was divorced long before we met. There's a huge geographical distance between the kids and him (long story pre-me). This has meant that it is unusual for me to be at the same end of the country as his Ex, so we haven't met. Not once in nearly 9 years.
We tried to once, there were loads of conditions on her side and then an ambush attempt where she turned up without saying anything at the holiday accommodation (I was at the supermarket). That was awkward, so I'd rather put energy into the important bit - happy kids.
This does mean I keep my distance, I do think it helps in my situation, it isn't a question of immaturity or the like.
So yes, with reasonable people being sensible, yes it would be lovely, but if it is just extra drama, nah.

Batgirlspants · 30/04/2017 14:52

That's really unfair to the op MyCats and obviously not the case here.

Op I agree with you and I think it would be the mark of a nice person to have met up with you. She sounds young and immature but hopefully she's nice underneath.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 14:55

interviewing her now

Such ridiculously emotive language.

If stepmum hadn't suggested we meet, I would have. Mainly because we live in a small village and I wanted to be able to recognise her.

Interviewing 😂 how ridiculous

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2017 15:00

You either trust your child's father or you don't. If you don't, then your child shouldn't be spending the night with him. If you do, then it's entirely up to his new partner whether she meets you or not.

Original poster
Rugratstruggles · 30/04/2017 15:05

I'm going to guess mycats doesn't.

And yeah emotive language. Seems to be split between people with DC understanding that this isn't about two women facing off but a collective of adults doing the best for the DC and people who are stepmothers thinking we have no control whatsoever over our DCs lives outside of a certain time they are home.

I'll repeat it once more. This isn't something which will happen naturally. So how long is it acceptable for us not to meet? A year? 5? Never? What shall I say to DD when she talks about her? Oh well I've never met her, kids aren't dumb and they're very good at picking up on adult tension.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 30/04/2017 15:13

Yanbu. I think its perfectly reasonable to want to meet someone that your kids will live with for part of the week. Id get the a housewarming gift (flowers and wine) from the kids and send a nice note, then wait for the next opportunity to invite them in for a coffee.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2017 15:18

It's perfectly reasonable to want to. It's also perfectly reasonable for her not to want to.

itsmine · 30/04/2017 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Batgirlspants · 30/04/2017 15:27

Bertrand but why is it perfectly normal not to want to?

Surely it's understandable for the
Op to want to meet and get at least a civil relationship with the other adult so involved in her child's like and surely it's just good manners and empathy for the other adult to understand this?

No interview or nonsense just a good 'working' relationship for the good of the kids here.

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2017 15:30

Well no, as I said earlier I know lots of people both step-parents and rps and none have had an agreed meeting

Ah well then. Can't possibly happen anywhere.

greenworm · 30/04/2017 15:30

Seems to be split between people with DC understanding that this isn't about two women facing off but a collective of adults doing the best for the DC

No, I care a lot about my DSS and get on very well with his mum, but I may have been a bit put off by her asking to meet me in an arranged, vetting way before I moved in with DP. We met naturally at a party, and that was fine. We're actually friends now and both want the best for DSS.

greenworm · 30/04/2017 15:38

I guess reading back all your posts OP I think a lot depends on what you actually suggested. Saying you want to meet her alone for a coffee before she moves in with your children is different to saying it'd be nice to meet her so why doesn't she come in with your ex for a coffee at a drop off or pick up. If you're friendly with your ex maybe you could do a joint birthday party for your son and then you'd meet her that way?

silkybear · 30/04/2017 15:46

Not sure why people assume it would be some kind of interview situation, op just wants to meet the person her kids will be spending time with often. Obviously she doesn't want to, so leave it for now and hopefully meet her at next pick up. She is making herself look a bit immature imho.