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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 09/04/2017 21:12

Tell her you won't discuss it by text.
Discuss it with her and your DS and make it clear it's not an isolated incident.
To be fair you have nothing to lose so I wouldnt pull any punches and would tell them exactly what I thought.
That would include telling your DC what you think of him.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 09/04/2017 21:13

Have you never mentioned it to your DS before? Has he not noticed her being coldly polite? I would not do anything at the moment but see how she is next time. Maybe she will change her ways now that she knows other people have noticed how she is. She does not have to be your best friend but she should not be blanking you.

Fishface77 · 09/04/2017 21:13

Also if she says your were mistaken regarding the work incident tell her it was witnesses by the senior manager who was not impressed with her attitude and demeanour and was actually the one who recommended you sort the problem.

Pigeonpost · 09/04/2017 21:18

Call her on it. I'd say it's up to her if she wants to continue to behave like that towards you with no ex

Pigeonpost · 09/04/2017 21:20

No explanation of why but you would expect her to behave appropriately in a professional situation.

HappCatt · 09/04/2017 21:21

What an awful situation. I'm not really sure what I would do, it's quite a complex situation and I don't think there is an obvious answer.

I think I'd reply with a bland reply. I don't see that there is any point in tying to call her on it. I'd probably say thanks for the text, I didn't realize that you hadn't noticed me and was thinking you were blanking me. Silly me (Or is that too PA)

Other than that I would quietly distanced myself from them and try only to get tofpgether when there are other people about to act as a buffer.
Polite but slightly indifferent is the way to go.

user1483705947 · 09/04/2017 21:21

Is this the first time you've mentioned it? I ask because maybe things could change now your son is aware of your feelings, however I know this doesn't change the fact she is lying to you about what happened.

How often do you see them? I'd be inclined to wait until you next see them and raise it then. Say you really didn't want to get into it over the phone and face to face is best. I'd call her out on it and stay strong, don't make her reduce you to being weak and upset as she'll end up making you look like the loon here, when she is the one with a few issues by the sounds of it.

Gunpowder · 09/04/2017 21:24

That sounds horrible. You poor thing. I think I'd take the higher ground but be honest at the same time, so say something like:

'I'm really glad you hadn't seen me as I felt really hurt when I thought you were deliberately ignoring me. I understand if you don't feel we have lots in common but we both love DS and we both want him to be happy. I know how much DS loves you and I'd like to know what I can do to make you feel more welcome and comfortable in the family.'

If she isn't shamed by that I would tell your DS what a mean woman she is!

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:28

It has been talked about so many times ! Somehow it always ends up being swept under the carpet or some excuse being made, like she's was just tired, she's just quiet, she didn't see you. Every occasion they are invited to, she happens to be at work so can't come. They live 10 minutes away from us but we have never been invited to their house. I have visited but she stayed upstairs till we left( 2 hour long shower) and if they do come here she will wait in the car and beep the horn when she wants DS to leave. So he knows and has never tackled it. They are getting married in 2018 and I am absolutely dreading the wedding. When they got engaged they had a small family party to celebrate, that was in fact quite a large party, but just for her side of the family and declined when we offered to have the same for our side of the family.

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 21:30

This could go one of two ways. Your choice.

Firstly, you dig your heels in and get all shirty without truly understanding what's going on from her point of view.

Alternatively, you ask to meet up and go for a walk together so that you can both clear the air and move forward. Why not explain that you appreciate how good she's been for DH over the years. And that you've always wanted a closer relationship with her and what can you do to develop that.

HeyRoly · 09/04/2017 21:31

Would you be brave enough to confront her about the obvious lie in her text?

"DIL, even [senior person] could tell you were blanking me, it was obvious".

I don't blame you for being angry with your son either.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 09/04/2017 21:32

This is very strange behaviour. I have no advice only sympathy. How very hard for you.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 21:32

Is there any chance she's introverted and you're all extrovert?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 09/04/2017 21:32

In law issues are really difficult, as you've got the person you love to think about, plus the person who acts in a why that isn't all that nice. I've had 2 very proactive husbands who are Mummy's boys, really family orientated. My first husband I was younger and more immature, I feel he was right to pull me on somethings, but others it looked like she was exerting the 'he'll always be on my side' kind of thing.

I've got a DS who soon or maybe already is dating, I remember jokingly someone said, ah you're turning into ex MIL. Basically vetting friends, having a standard I want him to keep. With romance it's very different, I would try hard to make the girl or boy feel very welcome. I assume he's straight, he's never said otherwise. I'd also hope not to encounter any issues, at the same time I think that's rather fairy tale like of me, as he can't have 2 women as number one priority, whilst that scares me as I'm close to both DD & DS, you know it's going to happen at some point.

I always go out of my way with the in laws, they have their views about me which is fine. I hope they also see I got their man child to grow up. In your situation I would be inclined to say DS I've tried so long to please, DIL, I'm at a loss at what I'm doing wrong. I get she doesn't want to be best friends, but surely we should be amicable, it's upsetting.

See what happens from there. Good luck Flowers

user1483705947 · 09/04/2017 21:33

She sounds awful. Can't help but wonder though what reason there is for her behaviour. It is odd to act like that, let alone for your son to act like it's normal. Maybe he knows more than you think? Weird for him to allow her to stay upstairs during your visits.

Are you quite a close family? Do you come across quite involved or overbearing? These are some common reasons to be Irritated by the in laws and to distance yourself.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 09/04/2017 21:33

I would not reply, just leave her alone, that's clearly what she prefers.
Your relationship is with your DS.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 21:34

Are you a big family? Does she come from a very small family?

carefreeeee · 09/04/2017 21:34

Your son must know why she dislikes you. There must be a reason and they must have discussed it - get him to tell you what the problem is. It's better to know even if you can't do anything about it. Your son is probably worried about making things worse and that's why he makes excuses for her - but the behaviour sounds extreme and probably can't really get much worse so there's nothing to lose if he tells you.

Rainydayspending · 09/04/2017 21:36

A bit of ^ above. I'd lay it right out. "I believed you were ignoring me as that has happened so many times in the past 10 years and you have made your position plain through mutual acquaintances. The manager suggested I raise this with ds following the questions raised." If you only were failing to notice me then i can see why you're not apologising about (day).
Then just back right off. It will be down to your son to maintain his relationship with you.
Don't keep trying with her. I imagine your son told her something early on that his family wont like you or some such.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2017 21:39

What heyroly said. I'm afraid I would do the straight talking thing. She is a liar, you know it, she knows it, worst of all, your ds knows it. Tell her to stop fucking about, it's obvious what she does, she's controlling and bullying you and clearly trying to minimise your ds' contact with you. Find out what her problem is: just you and her would be best, IMO.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 09/04/2017 21:39

Why would you have to cut off your DS?
About the engagement party, why your DS didn't organize one? Was he expecting her to organize the party for his side of the family?

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 21:39

I think User....436 has wise advice but I would just question

that you appreciate how good she's been for DH over the years. (I assume you mean OP's DS...)

just how good is she being to her future DH when she is (deliberately or not) driving such a wedge between him and his family and upsetting his mother so much?

Just as an aside, I think, regrettably, we are living in an age where it is OK, expected even, to marginalise the MiL. (She's had her turn, I want it just to be my own little family unit {to include my own parents obvs] etc etc) I mean let's be honest, there is a culture of that on MN, though there a many fairer minded posters of all generations call it when they spot it.

Good luck OP: whatever happens, I hope you get to maintain a relationship with your son and any future grandchildren. If you can do that, well she can go boil her head and fry her face too.

buckeejit · 09/04/2017 21:41

I think you need to talk to ds.

If they're getting married he will know what the problem is & should have the good grace to be honest with you about it so you can either acknowledge each other & move on or make some progress with the relationship. At this rate I wouldn't be going to the wedding. How do you think your relationship with ds is and do you have any other children?

pictish · 09/04/2017 21:42

If there really is no tangible reason for her to behave this way then you have my utmost sympathy. How horrible for you all.
It is as you say though - your ds allows it to continue, so the issue lies with him.

Rawr · 09/04/2017 21:43

Be careful around her. She might act like this on purpose in hopes that you'll lose your temper and go off at her, then she'll manipulate everything to look like she's never done anything to deserve this MiL from hell type situation.