Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

Lost for words. gammaraystar, I just can't get my head round your attitude at all. Other people's boring families? That's your family in this case! Are all families boring? Is this how you want/expect your own children to think of you in a few years' time?

please don't let any of my children marry a miserable husk who wouldn't give me the steam off their shit

For the second time today Pictish APPLAUSE!!!!!!

Gammar remember you will be old one day and if your children want nothing to do with you you will think back on how you treated hour mil. But l suppose as you are so hard hearted she is missing nothing really.
Op l would not waste one more minute on that woman. Initially l wondered had she very bad eyesight but hearing all your stories l think she is as hard hearted as Gammar and best left to her own devices. I hope your other children marry well reared young people whose parents have taught them decent manners.

gammaray would you blank ur mil if you saw her though?

How bizarre. I would take the high ground and say "ok that's fine it was just x (boss' name) mentioned it so I thought I'd check.

at "miserable husk"

Donthate

THAT'S the one!!!

I can relate to this sadly! Except I was the DIL in this situation. I'd basically do the barest minimum towards my MiL such that I couldn't be caught out explicitly as being rude but wouldn't go beyond it.

Why? I don't know. It was a clash of personalities to some extent - we're both insecure people who tend to withdraw into ourselves and assume others dislike us. There are a few random small things each had said and done that bug us.

After 2-3 years of this we had this big blow up last week, which led to a big clearing of the air. We both agreed that we wanted to have that nice closeness as though we were mother and daughter but expected a high standard of behaviour from the other like an in law iyswim. In the sense that she'd expect me to be as polite and respectful as a DIL but want the closeness of a daughter.

Anyway, things are so much better after we cleared the air. And I kept feeling guilty earlier because I knew deep down that I wasn't being fair and if she were my mum or aunt I wouldn't be so hard on her. And mostly I feel so much better because the amount of stress my partner used to experience has gone down tremendously.

Net net : my suggestion is to clear the air and have a genuine conversation. And if that doesn't work, then just back off and be superficially polite. There is no point begging someone to like you, it might just make her more obstinate. Sometimes it seems MiLs just can't win sadly.

Penny at the risk of seeming harsh, I think that much is obvious. What can we say? Some people lack the manners, social skill, consideration or empathy to make the nominal effort required to keep things sweet and kind. They won't even do it for their spouse's sake. Selfy twats.

I don't know what to suggest. Ultimately if your son lets it happen there's not a lot you can do. Forget her...she's chopped liver. Speak to your son.

OP her behaviour towards your family and your son's inability to do anything about it makes me wonder whether he's being abused by her. Have you been able to speak to your son about the way she treats him? Her disregard / contempt for his family is, to me, a dismissal of his identity and I wonder to what extent she steamrollers him and is attempting to isolate him from his support network.

I think you have to accept that your future DIL is a heartless bitch. Perhaps she is related to Gamma?

Gamma you sound like a right ray of sunshine. What if you need to rely on your wider family (illness, childcare etc), with yiur behaviour, you shot yourself in the foot. Remember your husbands family, will be a part of your chikdren.

I would have to sit her down and have it out with her. Just ask why she doesn't like you?
Tell her your not stupid and know when your being snubbed. It's going to be a nightmare for you if/When they have dcs'
Even if you end up having a massive row at least it's all out in the open and once you know what's wrong you can try and mend it.
It does sound like she just dosent want to like you though. Maybe she heard something about you but dosent have all the facts so it cloud her opinion of you. Maybe she just assumes you know what the problem is and since you've never tried to rectify it she might think that you don't care that she doesn't like you. She might feel like your attempts to be polite are passive aggressive or just for show in front of people.
Do you live/work in a tight knit area where rumours and gossip could have spread?
Is she a bit stuck up? Does she have many friends or does she not seem to like many people?

I think I'd be more assertive about it, OP. Say to her - and your DS - directly "It is evident that you don't like me. I'm sorry about that and I've spent many years wondering why and if I've done something to you for which I can make amends. But we have clearly moved beyond that now. This situation makes me sad, but I have accepted it. Can we please just agree that if we run into each other in a professional context that we can be civil and courteous to each other? The last incident was noted by (name of Senior Manager) and that is just professionally embarrassing for both of us."

And then? Do as she does. Just be calmly polite when you see her and no more.

I wonder if the problem here is the presumption there should be a relationship. Looking at it from her (possible) point of view, some emotionally needy people she has never expressed any desire to have anything to do with keep badgering her to have a relationship and asking for explanations why she's not engaging with them.

Why assume there must be a reason why someone doesn't want to engage with you? They could simply be introverts who experience almost all unnecessary social interactions as anxiety-inducing assaults on their senses.

(I'm not excusing her rudeness, just guessing at where she might be coming from.)

NataliaOsipova I think that is a perfect response and I am going to say just what you've written.
Gamma it's ok to not like someone, to just not connect or have anything in common but I feel really very sad for your DH and DC, but mostly for your MIL and wonder if like me she has cried many tears and wonders what on earth she has done.

OP - how does DIL behave towards her own family? Are they close and friendly with each other or are they distant?

Isn't it a bit arrogant for anyone to assume that there must be a reason why someone doesn't want a relationship with them? For som people, there needs to be absolutely huge benefits to a particular relationship in order to outweigh what is for them the implicit burden in every relationship.

Maybe what the OP has done wrong, if anything, is repeatedly attempt to override future-DIL desire to be left alone?

Lunde they are a close family, holiday together etc (with Ds). We have met her family twice in 10 years and on the 1st occasion they were quite PA e.g. We met a a restaurant for a meal and they had arrived early and positioned themselves and the table at one end with a space left for DS between them leaving us at the other end with a large space dividing us, any attempts at conversation were quite stilted. On the 2nd occasion was at DS house warming, only myself and DH + our other children invited from our side of the family and about 40 others from their side and their friends and not a single person other than DS spoke one word to us, we left after a couple of hours.

You say you work in the same place?
Would you be able to find out when she's in work? I would arrange a date for you both to have it out. If she says she's working tell her you know she isn't or ask her to pick a date. You've spent 10 years dancing round the subject and it hasn't done any good.
I spend half my life being polite to people I would to throw a brick at. In-laws colleges, customers, dcs friends and there parents that's just life and we all need to rub along.
Tell her you don't want to be bezzies but at least acknowledge each other in the street.

How does your ds get on with her dp's?

Firesuit you maybe absolutely right and again that is fine, but no excuse for the catalogue of rudeness. I am not forceful or overbearing, as a family we extend the invitation, she either chooses to come or doesn't I certainly don't press the issue, but things like shutting the door in my face when I have called when DS was out isn't acceptable. ( didn't call unexpectedly, they had a parcel delivered to my house and I was dropping it off at their request)

I would say. "I know we don't have a great relationship but I wonder if we could compromise together to have a working relationship. I don't really know you to have an opinion of you but it seems like maybe I've done something to piss you off. Can we start again? "

My mil hated me. Could've sworn blind she'd been nothing but pleasant. However I found her overbearing, judgemental and difficult. I was also quite shy and couldn't handle her. I avoided her like the plague. Eventually she wanted to be part of grand children's lives so did massive u turn when I was pregnant. I met her half way. We have a working relationship now. Sometimes it works really well and sometimes I go home early. It is possible to turn it around.

This is bizarre, the whole family sound bonkers.

Do you get the impression that your DS has gone over to the dark side and joined forces with them, or is he just oblivious?

I haven't read the whole thread in detail...but am another thread as a DIL dealing with parents in law who have destroyed their relationship with their son and blamed it all on me!

Of course OP it doesn't seem like you have done that AT ALL - but is it at all possible that she would talk about this entirely differently? Maybe she feels mistreated in some way, and that her behaviour is a result of this? I'm not saying it's okay, just that there are two sides to each story...