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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebelltippytoes · 09/04/2017 22:18

Don't reply to the text. Keep her dangling.

If your son raises the issue then re-iterate that she ignored you and it was noticed by your manager who thought 'she was very rude'.

I would make it clear to him that you have done your best in making the relationship work but she clearly isn't interested. Hence forth, she will no longer be welcome at your house nor will you attend the wedding if you are even invited. Make it clear that you do not deserve the treatment you are receiving from her nor will you tolerate it.

The ball will then be in his court. There is every possibility that you will lose him over this woman but it is a lesson that I think he needs to learn.

I always think now that trying harder with difficult situations doesn't work. You need to let them go and see what happens.

Msqueen33 · 09/04/2017 22:19

I think you just need to concentrate on the relationship with your son. For whatever reason she's not interested and is very rude. I'd leave well alone and keep contact with my son and ask him what's gone on and going forward leave it with her. Sad though it is this is to be wife.

pictish · 09/04/2017 22:20

I agree about texting back saying her attitude was noted.
"Please don't tell me black is white as that would be making a fool of us both. Your reluctance to acknowledge me today was noticeable to the point of being inquired after because it appeared so outlandish. I won't pretend to understand why you would choose to be so rude but (manager) and I both know a cold shoulder when we see one."

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 22:20

I just don't like my mil either. She isn't rude or nasty, I just don't like her. Life is too short to waste it on people you don't like just because you feel some obligation. I refuse to do xmas with them, or my kids birthdays. My dh is free to do what he likes, I would never stop him going to see her. I just have no interest in having a relationship with her. She has got the hint now after 8 years, but she used to try and write me letters, and say things like "well, if you want to be part of this family..." Errr, no I married your son - you will never be my family. I would respect my future DIL too if she felt the same. I never understood why people try and force relationship when there is nothing there. I would hate someone to be nice to me and spend time with me just because they felt some obligation. Family means nothing if you don't have a connection.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:23

Gammaraystar

Well at least you're honest I'll give you that.

But does it really not matter to you that your DH may be hurt at your blatant disrespect for his family....and as for not sharing your kids' birthdays....

SafeToCross · 09/04/2017 22:23

I would just be realistic and open about it in conversations with your son and others - no, she was not tired, for 10 years she has avoided or blanked us, I am sad about that, but I have to accept that it is the case. How do you think it is best for us to keep a good relationship with you? Please tell us how you envisage the wedding will be? What would work for her and for you? And say no to him more when he is trying to work around her issue instead of being honest about it.

I wonder though OP if there is any possibility that he is telling her things, true or otherwise, exaggerated or fictional, that you have done or said about her or to him? Kind of splitting you? Probably not, but it does seem odd.

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 22:25

BellonaBelladonna, I would absolutely welcome being told if I had done something to offend or upset her. I am no angel or perfect and don't pretend to be. I would accept and welcome her side of things, even if told to me via DS then I can try to change things. It's very hard to sort things out or apologise when I don't know what I've done. I have asked DS many many times and either he isn't willing to say even though I'd rather know or doesn't know. It isn't about choosing me or her, it's not a competition and all I've ever wanted is for him to grow up, fall in love and have a family, as is the normal progression for our children. I had obviously expected that his future wife would become part of our family too, in the same way as I became part of my husbands family iyswim but if that isn't the way she wants things I have to accept that.

OP posts:
Youdosomething · 09/04/2017 22:26

I don't know what to say gammar. Shocked at your post. I hope none of my boys marry a girl like you! What a shame for your DH and his family.

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 22:27

No, they are my children. She has had her turn. Why would I want to share special moments with people who I have nothing in common with and have no feelings for? It helps they live 600 miles away, so would mean us going there for birthdays and xmas, which is just something I am never going to do.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 09/04/2017 22:28

Gammaraystar But surely if you saw your MIL in the work situation that the OP describes you would be at least civil? Not liking is one thing, completely blanking her in public is quite another. There is no excuse for that, it is dreadful manners apart from anything else. Are you publicly rude to everyone that you don't have a connection with?

pictish · 09/04/2017 22:28

"I refuse to do xmas with them, or my kids birthdays."

Let's hope that doesn't come back to bite you on the arse with tumbleweed instead of invites to be part of your kids' future families eh Gamma?

The warmth is all encompassing. Hmm

Ledkr · 09/04/2017 22:29

This meshes me so sad and angry too. My mil has been quite difficult at times but she's dh mum and I'd never treat her like this and he'd have something to say if I did!
My dil are lovejy girls, in fact one of them is more like a friend as we have just a year between our children so do loads together.
This is such a pity and it's really shameful if your son to allow it to continue. An engagement party with just her family ffs Hmm

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 22:29

Life is too short! Plenty of people to share it with that actually matter. I hate feeling obliged to people and would hate anyone to feel obliged to me. Her dil doesnt like her, why keep forcing it for a decade?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 09/04/2017 22:31

Blimey. gammaraystar, this is your husband's family, a large part of your children's family. Why on earth would you not make more of an effort to get on with them?

This is so sad. I've known of a few cases where the parents have been frozen out by their own child or the child's spouse, for no obvious reason. In one case it finally ended when the son's marriage broke up, and he re-established a relationship with his parents after several years when his wife refused to let him see them. I'd be beside myself if this happened to me.

Good luck, OP.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:31

She has had her turn

BINGO!!!!!!

MiLS, you are hereby advised that when your son has children of his own the honourable thing is for you to roll over and play dead.

Gammar do you think your own mother has had her turn?

This is all I am going to say to you: either you are being goady or you are genuinely having a laugh. Whatever....

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 22:32

Also, I would never make my husband do sruff with my family either. He is invited, but as they are not his family, no biggy if he has better things to do. Who wants to waste hours and hours with other people's boring familes?

bluebelltippytoes · 09/04/2017 22:33

Crikey gamma, I'm glad you're not my DIL. You sound as hard as nails!

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:33

Who wants to waste hours and hours with other people's boring familes?

United and mutually supportive couples, that's who.

Doh!!!!!!!

NataliaOsipova · 09/04/2017 22:34

Errr, no I married your son - you will never be my family

Hmmm. The problem with this is that you did marry her son, whom I presume you love. Therefore it's really incumbent on you - to some extent - to try to forge a relationship with his family. Just because you loved him enough to marry him, if that makes sense?

I say this as someone who doesn't particularly like my own MIL. I don't seek out her company and it's all very much led by my DH. But I wouldn't ever refuse to allow them to come to family events as that simply wouldn't be fair to my DH. It would upset him and I wouldn't want to be the cause of that.

In fairness, I can accept that there are situations where things are so awful that people go no contact - but that's very different.

pictish · 09/04/2017 22:34

Fucking hell... please don't let any of my children marry a miserable husk who wouldn't give me the steam off their shit. What a depressing thought.

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 22:35

Gammaraystar, I appreciate your honesty and maybe your right in that she actually just doesn't like us. That would be absolutely fine with me if she just SAID it to me ! I would know then and would no longer waste any more time trying to fathom why. Yes I would be sad and very sad for my DS but would accept it and move on from it.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/04/2017 22:35

Op, are you sure that she hates you?

I don't hate my MIL, but then I guess that I don't like her either.

There's nothing.

I find her really hard to get on with, irritating & a trial to be with so I probably don't come across well to her, although hopefully not rude.

I would say that we tolerate each other.

Ledkr · 09/04/2017 22:36

Life is too short! Plenty of people to share it with that actually matter

But they do matter, they matter to your dh and the children aren't "yours" they are his too and people in their own right to deserve a chance to know their family.
What a horrible person you sound, let's hope your dh wises up to you soon!

IvorHughJarrs · 09/04/2017 22:36

Wow gamma that is really harsh and unfeeling. How would you feel if this happened with one of your DCs and a partner because, no matter what you say, your DH will be distanced from his mother by your approach. Makes me love my DIL even more!

I think you should text back "Your behaviour was noticed and commented on by manager so it is hard to see it could be accidental. I am not prepared to discuss this further by text so suggest we all meet to talk openly"

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