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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:45

Thank you for the replies. We are not really extroverts, actually quite quiet as a family really ! Maybe she just finds us boring and dull, which is fine, but no need to be so rude all of the time. Other people have noticed before but I've always made an excuse for her behaviour. I have invited her round/ out for a drink to try and get to the bottom of things, but she is always at work ( she isn't, she works 3 days on 4 days off ) so I end up looking desperate to meet up. We were always a close family, but I don't feel over invested in their lives at all. I'm sure I'm not interfering, only give advice when asked etc. I can honestly say I have analysed everything for years, always with what did I do/ say that was wrong but I give up and accept that it is her that has the problem and I don't think anything will change it.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 09/04/2017 21:45

Rainydays suggested text is good. Make sure you mention that the manager also noticed her clearly ignoring you. I wouldn't make any reference to believing she 'didn't see you' - with the other examples you gave, that's clearly not true.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 21:46

Rawr such cynicism in one so young! But I am afraid I think you are absolutely right

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2017 21:46

Rainy day

Very good words. Don't know if I'd have the guts to say this though.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 09/04/2017 21:50

This real sucks OP, how very hurtful for you. I don't blame you for bursting into tears after she ignored you at work, how humiliating and in front of your manager too. I have no answers as to how to reach out to someone who behaves like that with no clear reason for it. At least if you knew you'd done or said something to offend her you could apologise or try to make amends but this non-specific cold-shouldering is hard to address, The fact you still want to keep trying after years of this treatment speaks volumes about what a lovely person you must be, you deserve so much better than this. I think you have to make clear to your son that you are not accepting the various excuses any more no matter what she says, it's clearly deliberate and you certainly aren't imagining it or being over-sensitive given that other people i.e. your manager have noticed and remarked on her behaviour.

portico · 09/04/2017 21:50

If I were you I would be pissed off with son. You are right to be. Keep the relationship going with son, but just act towards DIL, the way she has acted towards you and your family.

BeachysSandyFlipflops · 09/04/2017 21:53

I would not reply, just leave her alone, that's clearly what she prefers.
Your relationship is with your DS.

I would just do this..... for whatever reason, she doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your family. Just concentrate on ds from now on.

EweAreHere · 09/04/2017 21:55

What a bitch.

I don't think much of your son, OP, for letting her treat you this way for no obvious reason. There can't be a 'good' reason, else it would have been brought up by now.

I'd talk to your son one last time about it and point out that his future wife is extraordinarily rude to you, it's been noticed by others, including senior management at work, and you've had enough. He's clearly chosen her, but don't be surprised if you're not there for him in future if he allows this to continue in this manner.

I hope you have other family members and friends who appreciate you.

ijustwannadance · 09/04/2017 21:55

Completely agree with Rawr. She is clearly able to manipulate your son already. You don't stand a chance.

If she doesn't want to visit why doesn't she stay at home? Most likely because she knows damn well your DS will run as soon as she beeps the bloody horn. She has all the control.

Are you even invited to the wedding?!

BellonaBelladonna · 09/04/2017 21:58

Something has caused this. You need to ask ds what's been said or done to upset her.

Make sure you are asking in a way that shows you want to resolve it not criticize her some more.

PopTheDragon · 09/04/2017 22:01

we were always a close family

Maybe that's the problem OP, maybe your too close for her. Maybe she prefers her own space. Any road I wouldn't be texting her anymore askin to meet up, leave it alone and have a relationship with your DS. Stop trying to force her to have a relationship with you and treat her as she treats you.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:01

Something has caused this.

Not necessarily. Do I detect a leeeetle bit of victim blaming here. Look, as I hinted before, it's not unusual for MiLs to be seen as the devil incarnate round here, and act atrociously just because they can. Is it stretching things so very far to suspect that this might be the case with DiL elect

SleepFreeZone · 09/04/2017 22:02

I think she's snookered you here. If you blow up at her she will use it to her advantage and either uninvite you to the wedding or make it so uncomfortable for you that you say you aren't coming and you miss celebrating with your son.

Personally I would do nothing. Silence us golden and if you get a chance to talk to your son alone you can tell him then that she absolutely saw you abs your boss even noticed.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 22:02

She's obviously scared of senior people at work knowing what she's like, isn't she? I would milk that, tbh. I'd text as a PP says, "It was clear to everyone, even Manager, that you were ignoring me. Please don't treat him or me like an idiot."

Your son needs to get a grip, OP.

BellonaBelladonna · 09/04/2017 22:05

No EdBalls just that there will be a reason.
Ask ds. He's your son ffs

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:05

Much as every inch of me would be wanting to say what Blether suggests, I think the kindest thing for YOU Penny would just be to smile beatifically and pretend it isn't happening.

As others have said, the very last thing you want to do is lose your rag, tempting and satisfying though that might be, as it would surely come back and bite you on the bum.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:07

Yes I see what you mean Bella but that reason may well have absolutely nothing to do with OP...but she is the one suffering for it.

But apologies: and yes OP ...ASK your DS!!

Original poster
Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 22:09

Again thank you all. I have 3 other children and a DH and she acts this way with all of us. At this moment I don't think very highly of DS either tbh. I worry about the wedding and absolutely understand and respect that the grooms mother is much less involved than the brides mother, but it feels like we have been invited to some distant relatives wedding, when in fact DS is the 1st of my children to be getting married. I should be excited and interested but I just feel sad.

OP posts:
BellonaBelladonna · 09/04/2017 22:10

No problem. But if you do want to sort things out you do need to be open to hearing about something you may have accidentally done.

Im not victim blaming but before we all shout what a cow dil is, remember this is only one side of the story.

storynanny · 09/04/2017 22:12

One of my daughters in law is exactly like this and I have no idea why. I've done what some posters have said though, after ten years of making one sided effort, I just have a relationship with my son. They live overseas and I can't bear the thought of having an awkward relationship with my son if I make a stand. We only see each other once a year as it is and I can't fall out with him as there would be no time to make up if you see what I mean.
When we FaceTime she is never in screen shot, just my son and the children. I always am polite and speak to her, but rarely get more than a one word "hi".
They are very happily married so I just have to accept and live with it. My stepdaughters are appalled and can't think why she is like it.
My sympathies are with you, I know exactly how you must be feeling.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 22:12

Have you spoken to your son about this?

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:13

Im not victim blaming but before we all shout what a cow dil is, remember this is only one side of the story

Perfectly true...but that's always the case....even when the MiL is in the firing line! Obviously we can only go on what is written here...let's face it anything could be pure fiction!

storynanny · 09/04/2017 22:14

Yes to how you feel about the wedding, I was felt exactly the same, I felt like an ordinary guest.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 09/04/2017 22:15

Though I do admit that the idea that the future DiL is manipulating the OP into losing it, is conjecture (and in fact an idea I have supported, so mea culpa on that one!)

Chloe84 · 09/04/2017 22:16

I think you've reached your plateau and no longer have the mental energy to deal with this anymore, OP. And rightly so.

Time to tell DS you've had enough. Who knows, she may improve when ignored.