Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

Yes, good luck OP. I would say, keep us posted, but that would be insensitive...this is your life and not a soap opera.

But again, good luck. And whatever the outcome, based on what you have said , (and not on the fevered imaginings of others) which has been consistent and measured, you can hold you head up high!

I think either way no you've spent a good chunk of your life discussing this on mumsnet and now you need to resolve it in real life. Good luck.

Oh god dont do that, it won't end well.

Send the text you originally liked & move on/

PutABitofButteronTheSpudsAndre - it would not be a reasonable excuse for the behaviour at all. The OP doesn't work with the dil. They work in the same field but not in the same place. Their paths rarely cross.
Even if they did work in the same place it would be normal and reasonable for the dil to greet her mil in passing. "Hi there!" LIKE YOU DO.

Why does anyone insist in trying to excuse the dil here? There is NO excuse, reason or explanation for the bloody woman's conduct towards OP.
She's a rude, arrogant cow. That's it.

But why does your ds tolerate her rudeness to you? Surely he knows how hurtful it is to you, and surely he doesn't think that's OK. Why does he let her think that she's rescued him? It's ridiculous, and such dishonesty bodes ill for the future.

Sorry OP. PICTISH thanks for pointing that out. I meant that the DIL might see it as a 'reasonable excuse'. Not that the behaviour was reasonable. The OP is at a loss to explain the behaviour, so I was speculating as to motivation.

Nah...to greet someone you know in passing is universal. She doesn't think that. No one does. It's almost involuntary. To not do so takes more effort.

"I work with my MIL and want to keep some professional distance but I'm too embarrassed to tell her ' might be a reasonable excuse for the behaviour you are seeing." Well, on Mumsnet it might be. In real life we greet, however briefly, people we know. Even if we don't like them.

agree with what MangosteenSoda says.

OP I've read your whole thread over the last couple of days and apart from a couple of posts that seemed to bear no connection whatsoever to your position I think you sound a lovely MIL and if your DIL doesn't want to interact with you then it's her loss.

I've watched my parents struggle with two of their children's partners that didn't want to know our family. My SIL is particularly nasty and made no secret of that fact that my brother was HERS and it seemed to be a personal challenge to her to disentangle him from his family. I think she felt really insecure about how close we were despite trying really hard over years to try and make her feel included in everything. It was never enough and there was always a criticism. It turned out that they were a physically abusive family and I ended up with a smack on the side of the head from her because I challenged her on how she was speaking about my parents in front of me. A few years later my then 8yr old son, ended up being assaulted by her father at a family event. We refused to have anything to do with them after that. My dad and brother had a heart to heart and it turned out she was beating up my brother too - we had seen signs of various injuries over the years but he always had a reason for it - but he said he was cutting off ties with us as he wasn't leaving her and it was too stressful to be in the middle. My BIL, again, came from an emotionally abusive family and my sister has had many situations over the years of upset with his family where she hasn't complied with his families wishes. She too suffered physical violence from his family. She told us the same as my brother, she couldn't leave him and had to cut ties with us as it was causing her too much stress being stuck in the middle. For the record my parents never, ever asked either of them to leave their partners, they always encouraged them to do what was best for them individually. My father died before he and my brother ever got to enjoy a relationship again except for a quick 5-min bedside chat just before he died. It was my brother's choice though and he will have to live with that. I know he has struggled and it's left a legacy of hurt and anger amongst all of us as a result.

I am a MIL now too and I have a wealth of experience of watching others as I've grown up. As a result I've taken a hands off approach with my son so I don't step on my DIL's toes. He has his life and if he wants to see me he knows where I am. I don't see him as much as I would like and I miss him terribly. In my heart he is still my baby and it's a real effort every day to accept we will never have that closeness we once used to share. It's the downside of having a son. Some mum's seem to have it worked out how to continue that closeness into adulthood and lots of us don't. C'est la vie.

In relation to your DIL I would acknowledge her text with a short and simple 'thank you' and nothing else. It closes that situation in a polite manner and leaves neither of you under pressure to take things further. I think you may have to accept that she doesn't want to be that involved with your family and no matter how hard you try and fix things you will never get it right. If you see her at events be polite to her as you've normally been but I wouldn't waste any more tears or upset over it. Focus on maintaining your relationship with your son.

As parents we always want to support our children through the years and are always enthusiastic about their achievements visibly so to ensure they understand we support them and are proud of them. When they enter a relationship the way we support them is to try and interact with their partner on a positive level. That's how your child knows you are happy for them and accept their partner. By their partner not accepting your hand of friendship it creates a strange situation (and hurt because it infers you've done something to upset them, you're not a nice person or you're not 'their' type of person) because all through our kid's lives our support has been expected and never been refused, that's being a good mum isn't it? What do you do when it is unexpectedly rejected? What can you do? Society tells you to back off, he's a grown man so cut the apron strings, but how do you just say goodbye to a child that you've given birth to, spent every day of your life with since and were never prepared for sitting on the outskirts of their lives when they became adults? I know it's not the same for girls, I just have to look around at how close my girlfriends are with their mums.

I know how upset you are and it's not nice. Your DS obviously loves you, hence his little drop-in visits so take comfort in that going forward. It would be nice if families could get on but some birth families can't get on never mind people that are not biologically related to each other!

I really feel for the position you are in and wish you well going forward.

I think sparkles post makes a lot of sense. I'd be going with her advice in terms of texting a thanks and then backing off.

You sound so lovely. I'm sorry your future DIL can't see that.

So ... she beeped the horn on one occasion. In 10 years.

So ... she beeped the horn on one occasion. In 10 years.

Yep Laiste that is precisely what this very interesting 21 page thread is all about. How perceptive of you

Sorry, on reflection that was a bit snitty on my part Laiste

but as you have contributed perceptively yourself earlier on I am a bit puzzled by your latest comment.

Well, it's no big deal, but it's just that this long thread is full of supportive comments to the OP citing the DILs rudeness in NO small part being due to the info about her sitting outside OPs house in the car beeping the horn. Son visits 2 or 3 times a week and DIL sits beeping the horn is the impression i and i think lots of others got and said as much. OP hasn't corrected it.

Then we find out it was just the one beep once! In the ten years. Could have been any good reason she needed the DS to hurry up that day.

I'm just a bit Yes i have been reading the thread from day one (i never post without RTFT) Yes i try on the whole to post constructively.

But i accept your apology ed

And I am confused no more Laiste We can all sleep easily in our beds tonight!

Tbf, if OP listed every single rude behaviour, we'd all say she has too much time on her hands and was deliberately being difficult. Beeping the horn even once would stand out to me too.
I have been waiting to hear what OPs other DC have said or done about this. I know if my DSis had brought home someone who upsets my DM so much, I'd make her see what she was doing and its effect on the family. Fair enough DIL may be socially inept but it doesn't take a lot of effort to say good morning an be civil. OP might have wanted to gain a daughter and that may be asking too much of someone who doesnt want that...the least you can do is be courteous to the family of the one you love.

I agree Deejoda I am civil to dh family - try and make an effort - and my mil has been utterly horrific.

going back original post, I wonder if you feedback to your DS a lot of what is being said and he repeats it to future DiL.

I can imagine that that would be very annoying.

From what I have read (sorry, not read the whole post), I don't think the DILs behaviour has anything to do with the OP, it sounds like she has issues with possessiveness and would struggle to accept any MIL, no matter how lovely they were. Very sad. She may very well become a MIL herself one day (and not a good one, if she is a possessive person) and then finally, she will know just how it feels.

Have you had any luck asking her out to coffee OP?

I think if the chance was taken you could end up quite good friends, or at least end up talking to one another better.

Best of luck.

I think if the chance was taken you could end up quite good friends, or at least end up talking to one another better

The chance of this is about the same as Brexit not happening. I'm normally a glass-half-full optimist but it just ain't gonna happen, its best not to invest energy in wishing for fairytale endings. Pragmatism is the way to go.

The thought of asking someone out for a coffee when they've shunned you for the past 10 years makes me break out in hives on your behalf OP. But then I have a low pain threshold for rejection!

Don't set yourself up for failure. You have been the epitome of tolerance, don't ever change, but do develop an impenetrable husk of protection, so you don't get hurt more than you already have been x

I would like to know updates really.