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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future DIL WWYD

533 replies

Notwavingimdrowning · 09/04/2017 21:03

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

OP posts:
CMamaof4 · 10/04/2017 07:24

Also think neglectedbythesuns reply is a good reply when texting her back.

Ledkr · 10/04/2017 07:26

Bit will be something that happened quite early on I think. Might have been something small that you cannot even remember.

I'm surprised that your ds is happy to go on holidays etc with her family and not question why she has sod all to do with his? It does sound as if he's a bit controlled by her.

As I said, my mil has made some hideous mistakes (ledkr pil are legendary) so I'd probably be justified in cutting them off but I haven't and am very pleasant and welcoming because I am well brought up and I love my Dh so would never put him in a horrible situation or hurt his feelings. I've got over their bullshit and we get on well now.

Dh is the most horizontal person I know but I think even he would put his foot down if I was intentionally rude and refused to attend at least a few family visits etc. We are off there today as it happens, 😇

gammaraystar · 10/04/2017 07:29

Why do presume my husband minds? Been Like this for over 8 years and works for us. He isn't going to leave me because his mum and I don't click. He wouldn't have married me in the first place if it was a problem - I have met her maybe 4 times and she is boring and we have nothing in common. If you all get on with MIL then lovely! How nice. But, I don't like mine, so I don't spend time with her. Hardly crime of the century. My dh is free to see her as often as he likes, which is maybe once a year or funerals. I politelty decline all invitations. As I said she lives in another country so not the big issue you all seem to make it.

wizzywig · 10/04/2017 07:36

Op, my husband had no idea that it was a no-no to pass onto me (and vice versa) what my inlaws thought of me and what i thought of them. Consequently we have an awful relationship. I knew they didnt think i was good enough and so (immaturely) turned my back on them. Perhaps your son has let an innocent comment slip and its gone downhill from there

FreshHorizons · 10/04/2017 07:38

I would get them both over and sit down and discuss it.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 07:39

gammy you say she is boring and put the fault on her, mabey she finds you boring, rude and obtuse!

Thinkingblonde · 10/04/2017 07:41

She's been called out on her behaviour and she doesn't like it. The apology was done to appease your son.
This needs to be addressed face to face, if it ever comes to that, the fact her behaviour was such that her manager noticed her blanking you.
I'd also let her know about her calling your family losers to a third party and why does she think that.

She sounds like someone I know, she is basically jealous of her partners relationship with anyone but herself, she's especially jealous of his mother and sisters relationship with him. She's gone NC with his family and tried to stop him and their DC from seeing them but he put his foot down over that and takes them to see his family without her.

gammaraystar · 10/04/2017 07:42

Well, I am doing us both a favour then aren't I! :-)

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 07:43

You could shoot yourself in the foot if you confront her, you don't want to loose contact with your son. I would just try and maintain contact wit your son, invite him over, meet him outside.

ovenchips · 10/04/2017 07:46

OP This all reads so sadly for you. It sounds like she is from a family of the same too (an engagement party with only her side invitedShock,a family meal where her side refuse to speak with those from your DS's sideShock). If her reasoning is anything like the PP's Gamma you are on an utter hiding to nothing trying to improve the relationship, unfortunately.

I would have to agree that it's time to stop trying with her. I would send (via your DS) the message that the senior manager totally clocked her behaviour, so excuses are irrelevant and both you and senior manager expect her to be professional next time. Hopefully it'd make her squirm.

Then I would start wholly disengaging from her. Mentally and physically. I would then focus on ways to stay close to your son which don't involve her. Any invitations would be directed to him.

I can't imagine your relationship with your son is ever going to be easy if he's still with her, but I would try and explain it to your DS that you accept she doesn't 'want to do the in-laws thing' (somewhat of an understatement) so can you and him come up with some ways to do things/ spend time together the two of you?

You can try and sell it like you are trying to take burden off her by removing any expectation that she will have to do anything in-law related. This may make it easier for your son to still see you and not feel torn between you two.

I don't want to add to your pain but your DS has also helped ceate this situation by allowing it to happen, so your chances of it being resolved are awfully small. Best option is to focus on seeing DS alone under guise of you doing the nice thing for future DIL. I hope the next years cause less heartache.

Itwillbefine · 10/04/2017 07:46

I think when you're married you support each other and if that mean putting up with annoying ILs for family events I would do that.

I love my MIL, her daughters on the other hand I find irritating, but I do things to keep my DH happy.

Ledkr · 10/04/2017 07:48

gammar * I do think though p, that this is the sort of thing that is likely to lead to trouble later on.
One of the reasons I forgave such hideous behaviour form my pil is that my marriage is very good and I didn't want to poison it with intolerance or nastines.
I didn't want my Dh to build up resentment towards me for not bothering with his family and I also want him to be able to enjoy watching his children's relationship with them.
It's as you say, much easier when they live a long way away but he might feel secretly quite hurt by the situation which could have an impact at some point.

Ragwort · 10/04/2017 07:49

This situation sounds exactly like my DB and DSil - my DB will 'do anything' for a quiet life and has more or less alienated himself from our side of the family - my DM has spend years trying to analyse what she has done wrong - in the end I don't think there is really anything you can do; there is no 'rational' reason for the dislike, there is no point going over and over every detail of the relationship. I can't remember the last time I saw my DSil - we only live half an hour apart but our lifestyles are so different we wound never bump into each other. I see my DB perhaps once a year and have virtually no relationship with my neices - the only time there is any contact with my (now elderly) parents is when they want money Angry - it is very, very sad. My parents won't 'give up' on their relationship with their own son but the whole situation is very difficult and no amount of analysing or talking about it will ever resolve things.

As others have mentioned, some people just seem incredibly immature about relationships and can't even be polite and make a small effort for the sake of family harmony - I didn't like my (first) MIL much but I would never have been rude or disrespectful to her.

gammaraystar · 10/04/2017 07:51

It is very liberating to only say "yes" to things you actually want to do. Maybe you should all try it? Why spend your whole life obliged to do things, when you don't want to? We are all much happier with out emotionally blackmailing each other to attend things. I would hate to think my kids and their partners were visiting me and hating it. Would much rather they spent their time happy and fulfilled. Not fulfilling obligations to some old women who they have nothing in commin with. But as I said, if you love your mil, good for you.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 10/04/2017 07:54

I also wonder about the DILs side to the story!

Fair enough...but why does no-one ever (or very rarely) wonder about the MiL's side of the story when this sort of scenario is described but the MiL is being the awful one, as it so often is on this forum?

MiLs do NOT have the monopoly on bad/ awkward behaviour. Other posters on here have demonstrated this beautifully, condemning themselves out of their own keyboards!

Softkitty2 · 10/04/2017 07:57

grammar you are a delight! I hope your childrens future partners treat you with the same contempt.

OP what will happen when they start having children?

Sparkletastic · 10/04/2017 08:02

I think you have to consider that her view of you is being shaped by your DS and what he thinks and feels about you and your family. It's less likely that she has developed this grudge for no reason. Talk to your DS again and don't allow him to dismiss your concerns and the facts of her behaviour towards you.

bluebelltippytoes · 10/04/2017 08:05

I should imagine that your MIL finds you rude and obnoxious Gamma so win win for both of you!

derxa · 10/04/2017 08:05

Flowers OP. I agree with others who see her as trying to engineer a big bust up. As for you Gamma, I have no words. Hmm

slinkysaluki · 10/04/2017 08:06

My brother married someone else like this, she stopped my family from seeing g their children and threatened to leave my brother if he did not go along with everything she wanted. Vile person.

Eventually he manned up and they divorced, their children are grown up and have little to do with their mother.

It's down to your son to tell her. Just have a relationship with him and don't bother with her, she sounds equally as vile as my ex SIL. Pity he doesn't wake up and smell the kenco before the marriage goes ahead.

bluebelltippytoes · 10/04/2017 08:06

ovenchips has got the best approach IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 08:06

Yes I think you are gammaray

slinkysaluki · 10/04/2017 08:09

Ragwort. Very similar situation to what happened to our family.

Gamma. Have you ever stopped to consider your partner's feelings ? You sound very selfish, perhaps he will come to his senses one day day like my brother

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 08:10

Compromise gammar, try to make some effort for your husbands sake, you are making it very uncomfortable for him, I can guess, but he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. No you don't have to be all pally with her, but be polite to her, and visit with your husband occassionally or have them over.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 08:11

They are your husbands parents, and they are important to him as well as you, make some effort for his sake!