Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

Tell her she's a bitch and drop kick her.
(Don't do that)

Sucue as much as I'd like to say (and previously believed) that he is oblivious, I think I realised today that he isn't. I don't know if it's a case of anything for a quiet life, but he does allow her to get away with being rude. He gets on really well with her family and that great, I would hate for him to treat her family the same way she treats us and would be mortified if he did.

OP, your future DIL sounds like she is a socially inept bully, from a family of socially inept bullies. You may just have to plaster a smile on your face and accept that she and her family have a problem and there is not thing one you can do about it, because the harder you try, the more she will dislike you and your family. She sounds like she has the maturity of a 12 year old, calling your family a "bunch of losers". Does your son suffer from low self-esteem to tolerate this bullshit?

Is she very controlling of your DS in other ways? Because for such a lengthy relationship, beeping the horn when she wants him to leave is deeply strange behaviour. If this was a man doing this sort of stuff to your DD then I think most posters would be raising all the red flags. Isolating your Ds from his family, dictating when he should leave, it is really terrible behaviour (and I'm someone with very tricky in-laws). Usually it is men who control their partners like this, but a friend's ds is in a very worrying relationship with a controlling and manipulative woman, so it can happen the other way round. You may not have "done" anything, she may just be jealous of his relationship with you all and be doing everything she can to make it difficult.

Fire I am sorry to hear that you are getting blamed. I am guessing that she would see things very differently and would love to hear her side. We still have a very good relationship with DS and I am genuinely not looking to blame her for anything. I would like nothing more than to get to know her as we really don't, but I just think she, for whatever reason and maybe there isn't one, doesn't like our family and possibly never will.

She sounds hideously rude, or socially incompetent, or both. Perhaps she has MH issues. Either way, do say as Natalia said, and then try to move on in your head. If you can see DS on his own, do that. Try not to focus on the imbalance between the way her family are treated and the way you are treated - unfortunately your side should have been fought by your DS, and for whatever reason he hasn't bothered.

for you.

Do any of your other D.C. have much of a relationship with your DS or the dreaded DIL?

I definitely quit trying to have any relationship with your DIL but perhaps you can keep in touch with your DS casually.

One of my SILs is like your DIL. She is horrible. She doesn't speak to almost any of us or even to any of her own sisters. It's really sad. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can relate to a lot of what you describe but for us it was my daughter and her boyfriend. It turned out that he was very abusive to her and he and his family were basically trying to separate her from all of her own family and friends. She let him do that because she was persuaded that this is what you need to do to demonstrate that you are committed to your new partner.

If I had blamed DD1 for dropping us and enabling his behaviour, I would have lost her forever into a hellhole of abuse.

OP please be careful. Nurture your relationship with your DS. Don't blame but do ask the occasional question. Don't wash your hands of him. Let him know that you will always be there for him no matter what.

I think it's unlikely that this is an abusive relationship, given that you have mentioned no other concerns but who knows. Women can be domestic abusers too and perpetrators can be very good at hiding it. Please don't burn any bridges.

Im sorry I don't see the problem here? If she was intentionally ignoring you why would she text you apologising and saying she wasn't/wouldn't ignore you?
I think it sounds like you are the one with the problem tbh

She's an arse of the highest order if she can't control herself in a professional context.

Sorry, OP. Someone who is that emotionally incontinent (who the fuck let's that kind of thing spill into their workplace in front of a manager?) is going to be really difficult to deal with. I honestly have no idea how yu deal with someone like that.

I would suggest that it is not something you've done. So that's a start.

Is it possible to just put her in a box marked 'batshit', try and see ds when you can, and just try and regard her behaviour - if you have to see her - as an example of the weirdness people do, rather than trying to relate to it or minimise it? Is it possible to see ds alone?

How horrible for you, OP. However reluctant DS is to discuss the situation, I'd be as frank with him as you've been with MN and get the whole story (if there is one) out of him.

I don't think her text deserves a reply as it is clearly disingenuous.

gammaraystar maybe you're dh will leave you because of your shitty behaviour towards his mother, then you'll have to share birthdays after all

I also wonder about the DILs side to the story! I can just imagine my MILs hypothetical MN thread! She has zero self-awareness, so always imagines that she is the only wronged party in any given situation. Yet her total lack of brain-to-mouth censorship leads her to make the most breathtakingly offensive comments and insinuations.

I do maintain polite relations with my MIL, but to be honest it's been a real challenge at times, and if I wasn't such a doormat conflict-averse kind of person (and if we didn't have kids who MIL dotes on) I'd almost certainly have cut contact to the barest of minimums. I stress that she is a fundamentally well-meaning and in lots of ways extremely kind person, who would be utterly horrified that I could ever entertain such a thought. And yet, there it is.

OP all I can say is that I really hope you are not a self-professed 'call a spade a spade' kind of person like my MIL, tending to think people are just being over-sensitive when they take offence. If you are, then there is your answer right there.

Alternatively, your DIL might just be a complete cow!

Op is stop bothering, she clearly doesn't give a shit, and has know intention of being civil to you.
I'd arrange to see you son maybe once a month for a lunch or something, wouldn't even bother asking her, she clearly has issues.

But WHY would she text apologising and saying that she wouldnt ignore her if she was so horrible??
Here's an example:
I don't like my mil and I would ignore her if I saw her, I certainly wouldn't text her afterwards to apologise because I genuinely don't like her and genuinely dont want to know her as she's a nasty piece of work.
She obviously is communicating with you as she has text you and she is apologising so why does this make her horrible??

C.

So,empeople are just not grown up enough to admit to being rude to their father DH's mother in a shared workplace when their future DH questions them about it

C, the sort of person who can behave like an immature idiot at work is the sort of person who behaves like an immature idiot at home. Immature idiots tend not to suddenly undergo a conversion to mature responsibility when called on their behaviour.

You sound as though you're a pretty straightforward person. Not everyone in the world is like this.

Another option is to invite her on the thread to give her side of events & all of MN can act as mediators?! It's true that she may find you any number of things that she dislikes but if they've been together 10 years she should be mature enough to pass herself civilly when you meet. How on earth does she expect the wedding to go. Are you involved in the planning of it at all? Are you planning to financially contribute? I can't imagine a wedding where half the wedding party effectively feel excluded!

C - she didn't like being actually confronted with her rudeness instead of OP just quietly sucking it up. She is not used to being challenged or called out on her boorish behaviour.

OP - does she come from a family who for some social or financial reason think they are superior to everyone else? Are they local aristocracy or 'considerably richer than yow'? Is there any reason why your son would want to ally himself with them, he must have noticed and accepted the seating at the restaurant and the rudeness at the party. Does he work for their family firm or something?

She sounds like my SIL.
My brother has now been married for 6 years. My parents have not seen her since the day of their wedding.
I've seen her less than half a dozen times. It's incredibly awkward.
I've addressed it with her directly and come to the conclusion that she is an ignorant selfish immature person who is used to her parents doing everything for her. She also makes and drops friends like no tomorrow. So it's not us, it's her .
Try and keep contact with your son. He for sure is facilitating the situation but at least he will know you'll be there for him if it all goes tits up.

Either way you need to iron this out, or attempt to iron it out anyway. What happens when she becomes the mother of your grandchild? Will she keep them upstairs whilst you visit? Will she pretend she doesn't see you when they're out?

Something has to have prompted this. You say you used to be close, but that might be why she's distancing herself. In personal experience my dh is in a very close knit family, his mother doesn't work or have shy hobbies so she's quite needy. We used to have to go around for dinner twice a week for hours! Until we had our first child I put a stop to it as it was just ridiculous, we now had our own family and we were living in his parents pockets. My mum would always say to me 'you go off today and take your baby boy out with DH, make the most of it, it's a beautiful day' whereas mil would be like 'are you coming round for dinner' just no regard for personal space and time etc and it got right on my tits eventually. Not saying this is you, but anything like this could prompt her to keep distance out of making a point.

How often do you go round to their house or does your son go to hers?

My SIL is a bit like this, though not to the same extent. It is clear she looks down on us for no good reason. It really upsets DM but our relationship with her improved after DB and SIL had children and we had something more in common. Focus on nurturing your relationship with DS. As a pp said, she may not treat him well either.

There must be more to it.

Why are you not very happy with your DS at the moment?

Are you trying to be more involved with wedding arrangements?

Well what I would say is don't try and actively exclude her because you will just alienate your ds, don't be rude to her and don't ignore her, My husbands mother was very mean to me and would always play the victim to everyone else, It was the most bizarre situation, he got fed up with it and didnt want her in his life anymore so has been no contact for years, (it was pretty easy to go no contact essentially as she was pretty rubbish at her relationship with him) what I'm saying is if you are seen as a negative by your ds in his relationship it will probably put him off of having much of a relationship with you.
He has chosen her as his partner and it's something you will have to accept if you want to be part of his life, Honestly myself I would be as nice as pie and make sure my son wouldnt experience any negativity from me so it couldn't be used against me, My relationship with my son would be more important than any problem I would have with her.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to you, op. In her case her son's girlfriend has been rude and antagonistic towards my friend and the family, and has basically created a situation where the son has had to choose between his family and her.

My friend was very upset and called her out on her behaviour. This has led to a massive falling out and virtually no contact between my friend and her son.

I completely understand why she did this, but unfortunately she has shot herself in the foot as the son won't speak against his girlfriend.
I think girlfriend is like this due to massive immaturity and insecurity; she can't cope with my friend's family (quite well off and outgoing) and so retreats into this "you've got to choose between us" mindset.

My point is that it would probably have been better to have ignored her childishness and concentrated on maintaining a good relationship with her son. Yes, daughter-in-law is in the wrong, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.