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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on children sharing

132 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:21

i think it's important that children learn to share but not feel as though they can't say no occasionally.

A friend flat out refuses to get her child to share his toys when we're there and we have to take toys for our dd to play with

Another friend today took a ball to the park for her dc but wouldn't let any of the other children in our group play with it, when the ball was kicked to another friends dd as the dd tried to kick it back the mum shouted "no no that's dcs ball he doesn't share"

What's the right lesson?

OP posts:
DianaMemorialJam · 20/02/2017 17:22

It's wierd. Sharing is kind!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:23

Diana - I think it's weird too but I'm not sure of the right balance. I want my dd to not feel like she's got to hand over her stuff to any one that asks however I don't want her to be a selfish girl

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 20/02/2017 17:23

Personally I wouldn't want my dc spending time with kids with that attitude. Would def be a friendship breaker if someone said that to my dc...

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/02/2017 17:23

My kids were always encouraged/told to share. With each other and with kids coming to the house.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:25

Wish I was- my dh has said the same today he's not happy either.

OP posts:
Gardencentregroupie · 20/02/2017 17:26

I think special toys shouldn't have to be shared and would absolutely allow a child to put away anything special before people come over, but otherwise it is kind to take turns with your friends. Otherwise people won't reciprocate. As for a ball, that's just fucking stupid. Balls are for group play, they're boring on your own.

FrancisCrawford · 20/02/2017 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DianaMemorialJam · 20/02/2017 17:27

Yes I understand. I think it's nice to take turns. So if it's your daughters toy, she gets a play with it and then her friend(s) can join in/have a go too?

5foot5 · 20/02/2017 17:27

If the children are playing at home then I would expect them to share with whoever the visiting child was.

If playing in a public place such as a park or a beach I would not necessarily expect any random stranger's child to just wonder up and start playing with my DC's things.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:28

My dds favourite bedtime toys are upstairs in her bedroom in our house I wouldn't expect her to share those with anyone nor would I expect another child to share their favourite bed time toys with her.

OP posts:
DianaMemorialJam · 20/02/2017 17:29

Garden I agree. A favourite teddy or doll can be left at home/hidden, but thinks like Lego/play kitchen or whatever else should be shared. That stuff is more fun to play with as a group anyway surely?!

user1483387154 · 20/02/2017 17:29

sharing is important however that does not mean that they should give up their toys just because someone else wants it. e.g if child A is playing happily with a toy that child B wants, it is ok for child A to say "I'm playing with it right now but you can have it when I'm finished". And it is ok for child B to play with any other toys that child A is not currently playing with.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:31

User - that's the balance I want

The thread is because of the different experiences in the op

OP posts:
bulletjournal · 20/02/2017 17:33

It's weird, but look at a recent thread about people outraged about friends staying over and using THEIR BODY SOAP in the shower! Grin

My kids are always reminded to put away special toys that they are not willing to share before friends come over. Everything else is to be played with together, which is more fun anyway. I would never go back to a friend who is so mean.

Same with the ball, if you all knew each other, it's neither kind or fun. I wouldn't push mine to share with strangers if they don't feel like it however.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:34

We were at the park together

Missed the body soap thread

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 20/02/2017 17:36

Balls are by their nature sharing type toys - you can't play football alone.

At your own house it is hospitable and sane to have toys to share but children should not be made to share a precious favourite toy or something they are in the middle of playing with (including a long term game set up in their room).

It's ok and healthy to be able to say no.

It's ok not to share - adults don't share all their possessions and nobody would expect you to hand over your purse/ car / shoes to any visitor who fancied a go (especially someone your mum invited to your house just because she met their mum at a group and thought you might get on ... ) just because sharing is "nice". However it is also normal and polite and friendly and sociable to share some things - adults also don't invite friends around and decline to share their chairs and cups and tea bags...

Learning to share generously within limits is a social skill, as is being able to say no.

It's a balance, like most things.

harderandharder2breathe · 20/02/2017 17:37

Generally sharing should be encouraged. A favourite or special toy is ok not to share but shouldn't be brought out in front of other children because toddlers don't understand that's off limits

Except for children with additional needs, parents that laugh off "little johnny doesn't share" are raising little shits that will struggle socially.

bulletjournal · 20/02/2017 17:37

sorry, might have been shampoo

Still very funny

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2855127-AIBU-to-assume-I-can-use-their-shampoo-shower-gel-when-visiting?

Gardencentregroupie · 20/02/2017 17:38

The body soap is the same principle, IMO. If its your special £35 a bottle gear put it away and leave out the 99p stuff, be a good friend/host if you want it to be reciprocated. I would no more expect a child to let some random kid in the park just start using their stuff than I would let a random stranger wander into my shower, but kicking a ball back is not the same thing.

Witchend · 20/02/2017 17:38

It depends.

I think sometimes we go overboard in expecting children to share. I wouldn't walk into someone else's house and pick up their phone and play on it without asking first. Yet we expect children to share all their toys if a friend comes round.

I've also seen the situation where a child has brought something (eg a doll's buggy) down to the park (so clearly not belonging to the park) and is playing with it and another child's mother tells them they should share with their child. I don't agree with that.

However if you go round to someone's house I would expect some toys out to be shared.

I had a compromise with my dc. If there was anything they didn't want to share they had to tell me beforehand and I would put it away.
I don't ever remember them asking to put away more than two things, but they then knew that anything out had to be shared, and they were actually really good at that.

But then mine were good at sharing (bad at other things!) so maybe if they'd hated sharing I'd have done things differently.

I did know someone who complained that other children were really bad at sharing with her child. When they came round I found out why: Her dc would try and secrete anything they fancied to take home. Upon discovery mum's reaction was "oh he likes it so much, can he just borrow it?"
I suggested maybe it was him that had the issues with sharing after that. Went down brilliantly as you can imagine. Grin Poor sensitive deprived little darling.

Batteriesallgone · 20/02/2017 17:39

Your friends are being weird.

Of course if someone comes to your house you share your toys with them. You are sharing your space, food, toilet etc the whole invite is an exercise in sharing FFS. Do you have to bring your own biscuits and thermos too? What about toilet paper? Grin

The ball in the park is again very strange because balls are so much more fun in a group than on your own.

I don't agree children should be forced to share. I prefer to model good playing and reward my kids when they share. If they don't want to on a play date I tend to offer the visiting child an/some other toys and try and distract them, but to be honest it's not a problem I often have because they love other kids playing with their toys, always seems to open up other play possibilities or make their toys seem more interesting!

witsender · 20/02/2017 17:39

We don't force sharing, it is pretty pointless otherwise. But if someone comes over I ask the kids to put away anything they don't want touched, likewise they get to say if they don't want anyone going in their rooms.

Gardencentregroupie · 20/02/2017 17:40

Oh your friend is a total weirdo under those circumstances. Why bring a bloody ball? Did she expect her DS to just practice his dribbling alone? Way to make him the odd kid nobody wants to play with. How lonely for him.

Tweetypie30 · 20/02/2017 17:44

I can't believe your friend doesn't make her daughter share her toys when you go over to play. I wouldn't be going back again. I know it's hard for little ones to share but they do need to learn. I'm 100% behind hiding special soft toys or others but to not let your child play with anything and you have to take your own is just wrong. The ball friend is weird to. Is it the same person? I could understand if it was a scooter or bike but not a ball. The whole point is to play with someone else. How else is it going to be thrown or kicked back to you!?! Try and find some more likeminded people to hang out with.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 20/02/2017 17:44

Personally that would be me out of that 'friendship' group. Teaching your child not to share? Disgusting. Parenting is ultimately preparing a human for adulthood. Adults who are selfish and do not share, do not give to others, they do not help third world children or stop when they see an accident. These are the children that will grow up to ridicule anyone who doesn't have what they have.