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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on children sharing

132 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:21

i think it's important that children learn to share but not feel as though they can't say no occasionally.

A friend flat out refuses to get her child to share his toys when we're there and we have to take toys for our dd to play with

Another friend today took a ball to the park for her dc but wouldn't let any of the other children in our group play with it, when the ball was kicked to another friends dd as the dd tried to kick it back the mum shouted "no no that's dcs ball he doesn't share"

What's the right lesson?

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 20/02/2017 17:49

Does the friend not even let your dc play with toys her dc isn't playing with? I wouldn't make my dc share a toy they were currently playing with in their home if they didn't want to but I'd tell them to let their friend have a go after a short while if they couldn't find a way to play with it together.
I wouldn't let a ball go to the park if my dc was going with friends and didn't want to share as they would either have to carry it round or constantly be telling people they can't play with it. Too much hassle.

meganorks · 20/02/2017 18:08

I read an article by some smugo of why they weren't teaching their child to share. Sounded a lot like they were teaching them to be an arsehole. Sharing doesn't mean taking things off another child obviously. But maybe taking turns with things or if one child has rounded up all the cars for example then giving some to other friends who want to play.
Obviously kids can be a PITA about it and go through phases of not wanting to. But that's why it's important to help them.
Why the hell invite people round though if you are going to stop them playing with your dc's toys?! That's not even about sharing, thats just being bloody mean!

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/02/2017 18:13

If my kids have toys they're particularly attached to then I put them away before friends come over in case they get broken. Other than that I expect them to share. If my friends had attitudes like that towards sharing they wouldn't be my friends for long. It's a good trait, to be encouraged and praised. The attitudes you mention will raise little princes/princesses with stinking attitudes!

Kikikaakaa · 20/02/2017 18:18

I dislike making kids share, it's the same thing if a child won't share and another child is demanding sharing, they want what the other child has, why does the sharing child automatically have to 'give in?'.
So I teach mine that it is ok to say no, but nicely. I obviously encourage sharing but I don't demand or expect they do if they don't want to and I certainly have taught them that they shouldn't share just because someone demands they do. I also taught them if they would like something it's ok to ask but walk away and find something else if the answer is no

bulletjournal · 20/02/2017 18:22

I dislike making kids share

then do not invite friends to play over with yours. They will have to learn to share eventually when there are common resources, toys at nurseries or preschools where they have no more right to them than anyone else.

CMamaof4 · 20/02/2017 18:24

I couldnt spend time with parents like that, I would make some new friends..

Foxesarefriends · 20/02/2017 18:24

Mine were always made to share, special things were put away.
I wanted them to be likeable people and have friends.

Crumbs1 · 20/02/2017 18:26

Seriously? The world of parenting is going mad! Of course children need support, encouragement and the discipline to learn sharing is pleasurable and the right thing to do. It needs to be ingrained from an early age so that it is second nature. What a horrid parental attitude to teach that their child 'doesn't share'. Fair enough a much loved and very special comfort blanket type thing but a ball? Rod - own - back.

SallyInSweden · 20/02/2017 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/02/2017 18:30

Kikikaakaa there's a difference between sharing and giving in to demands. If someone is playing with something I tell my kids to wait their turn, to go and find something else to play with.
But encouraging your kids to share their things with their friends is a massively important part of growing up.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 19:00

The two scenarios in the op are different people.

I don't take a flask to her home no, just some toys for my dd.

The ball thing has baffled me as it wasn't the dc that raised issue it was the mum, again was out with us not random stranger in the park.

We've been out before and not really been an issue the dcs are quite young 2-3 yrs so I know that some children can have an aversion to sharing at this age

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 20/02/2017 19:02

If a child comes to our house any toys are shareable. However if we go to the park or something & DS takes his scooter (for example) I feel he can share it with friends if he wants to but should not have to.

If that makes sense?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 19:12

Tigress- that makes sense and I get it with scooters etc would that same guidance extend to a ball?

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 20/02/2017 19:42

But some parents DO demand their child gets a turn, and do sit there with a cat bum face expectantly and children do snatch things - I cannot believe for a moment that all children approaching mine do so in an adult polite manner, yet I have taught mine to politely say no, but that sharing is kind. You can do both.

I have watched multiple times my children playing nicely with something and expected to stop or let another child in but the parent does not advise the child 'go play with another toy and come back later'. The park is the best example with a queue forming behind with huffy parents and whining kids whilst all the other play equipment is empty.

It's the expectation that they MUST share that I do not demand they do, they should do so because a. It's nice b. They want to c. Someone has asked nicely.

It works both ways
Sharing is a kind thing to do, not a demand.

What I see here is people confusing sharing with automatically being a good person and forgetting that little kids don't think like adults. It's a small part of a big puzzle piece.

Batteriesallgone · 20/02/2017 19:58

The park is an example of where you MUST share because it isn't yours, so if a queue is forming you get 5 more spins or 2 more minutes then you move on. I cannot abide parents who won't move their kids off equipment at the park after having a go. If a queue forms its other people's way of telling you you are being unreasonable!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 20:16

Batteries- the park is for everyone and there's lots of other equipment for children to play on however I do think that children need to be mindful that others may want a go and not hog a piece of equipment just because they can x

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 20/02/2017 20:28

Ah come on. If a queue has formed behind your child on the swings (for example) with the other equipment empty, as in the example given, it's a clear signal you're hogging it and being a twat.

Whatsername17 · 20/02/2017 20:28

It's more than just telling them to share. It's about getting playing with them and teaching them how they can enjoy the toy together. Teaching them to wait their turn and interact nicely with others. My dd who is 5 will often let other children play with her very special toy - a monkey she's had since she way 18 months old. Especially if the child is younger than her. She teaches them to treat monkey gently.

bostonkremekrazy · 20/02/2017 20:30

gosh OP you have an awful lot of angst with your dc and friendships.......sharing, tiding etc it doesn't need to be this hard!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 20:33

Boston- time for some new pals maybe I think?

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 20/02/2017 20:35

A ball is different because, unlike a scooter, you can't just keep it to yourself. If you play with it then it's going to keep going over to the other children you are with who you will then have to keep taking it away from.

Lilypurple · 20/02/2017 20:36

I kind of follow these rules.. playground, school the toys equipment are for everyone and sharing is the done thing as well as taking turns. If you invite a friends over they of course get to play with your toys but precious stuff can get put away. Taking spades and trucks to a playground is where I give my boy his own choice. He can share if he wants or not if he doesn't want. I tell him not to let anybody play or borrow his toys unless they are playing with him. I also tell him ( as he's a social butterfly) that if he doesn't want to share then children may well go off and play somewhere else. If he does decide to share his toys then those kids play with him or they bugger off. Seems to work well at the moment and gives him some independence he's 4.

bumsexatthebingo · 20/02/2017 20:37

Were you the op on the thread where your friends child was trashing your house and you decided to just meet at the park?
If so definitely time for new friends and where on earth did you find this bunch of weirdos?

bostonkremekrazy · 20/02/2017 20:41

Yes OP, i wouldn't be taking toys to a friends, if the DC doesn't want to share then friends won't visit. simple.

same with a ball at the park...they don't want to share fine, they'll soon learn it means other children won't want to play and the invites dry up.

your dd should invite some new friends around to play, or to the park and have fun. it should be fun for your both....with dd at nursery there should be lots of opportunities to invite new friends and see who you really click with.

bumsexatthebingo · 20/02/2017 20:44

I would be tempted to take a really cool toy to the friends house first and tell your dc that they're not to share it though.