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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on children sharing

132 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:21

i think it's important that children learn to share but not feel as though they can't say no occasionally.

A friend flat out refuses to get her child to share his toys when we're there and we have to take toys for our dd to play with

Another friend today took a ball to the park for her dc but wouldn't let any of the other children in our group play with it, when the ball was kicked to another friends dd as the dd tried to kick it back the mum shouted "no no that's dcs ball he doesn't share"

What's the right lesson?

OP posts:
Frustrateduselesscounsellor · 21/02/2017 21:18

Honestly parenting has become so totally weird and drastic at times these days. It really sounds as if she has adopted this to make a massive point. I mean 'the Dc was about to kick it back when she shouted no no he doesn't share. I mean ffs. How is that normal? Just think about it. Someone kicking your ball back to you is not bad behaviour it's normal. If he'd run off dribbling it on his own around the pitch for 10 mins then I'd be cross but someone who kicks it back. We live in a society - that means we need to learn to live with one another. At some point we all need to learn to share care and take turns. If you don't like it- then play in the back garden on your own. But don't expect him to make friends or have a social life. Honestly- the stuff I read on here at times. It's like common sense has just flown out the window.

fabulous01 · 21/02/2017 21:24

I am amazed. That is why there are problems in society. Fair play to you for keeping contact

CaptainDaydream · 21/02/2017 22:21

I don't force my children to share, it's up to them if they want to share their stuff, some things they share and some they don't, certain children they'll share with and others they won't.

I don't see why a child has to share something they're playing with just because they've had it for a while or because another child wants to play with it. I'll let them play with something untill they are finished, be it the swing at the park or the trainset at home.

We don't expect this as adults, image going into a pub and saying to someone 'you've been sat at that table for a while, it's my turn now', or if someone gave you a box of chocolates for your birthday and expects you to share with everyone, obviously if you want to that's up to you but I don't agree it should be expected. Likewise with children and their things.

As for children not encouraged to share growing up selfish, what about children who are taught that everyone should share their stuff with them growing up grabby and expecting to be given everything they want!? You can't always have everything you want in life as soon as you want it.

witsender · 21/02/2017 22:41

"This is why there are problems in society"?

Really? PMSL. 😂

Frustrateduselesscounsellor · 21/02/2017 23:05

@captain - but what happened in this case was a child kicked the ball BACK and was criticised. Maybe he was trying to play rather than being "grabby".

Its called being social.

No-one is saying people should demand someone else stuff just because they want it. Thats not what OP is saying. She acknowledges that not everything should be demanded and shared in her first sentence.

Its more like when a child goes into a toddler group situation and toys are there for everyones benefit that the child needs to understand that they do need to share it after a while rather than hog it for the entire session. Or if you queue up for a swing in the park should your little poppet be allowed to spend 2 hours without giving any one else a turn? Obviously Captain thinks her child owns the park! I would hate to bump into your selfish kids!

So if they invite a friend to play and then don't let them play with any of their toys? (yes hide the special ones) but thats why its a PLAYDATE - you are supposed to allow children to play! Its a bit similar to when I invite people to dinner /drinks and offer them a drink when they arrive and cook my food for them and care about them having a nice evening. Should I ask them to bring their own food and drink then? No - I am sharing mine! I like to do it because it makes me feel good to treat my friends and give them a good time. Its why I share percentage of my salary with charities for those less fortunate than me and need help they wouldn't get otherwise. Or why people volunteer in their community to provide brownies/scouts/sport and coaching at clubs for children to keep costs low. They are sharing their time. Sharing and giving encourages kindness and enables a child to start to see that life isn't all about them. And its well researched that it helps us feel happier . So in the long run it does affect the whole of society. It might sound far fetched to you captain - but its a value system that you are helping to develop.

bumsexatthebingo · 22/02/2017 00:11

If my child didn't want to let other kids play with any of their toys - even when they aren't using them then I'd tell them they couldn't have playdates. I'm sure kids who 'don't like to share' don't mind sharing other kids toys when they go to their houses!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/02/2017 08:21

Captain- I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.

Are you saying that you don't encourage children to share at all? Not ever your children with each other?

I understand your point regarding not being forced to share everything which I acknowledge in my op but I think it's common courtesy when for example at the park that if you're child is on the swing for example an has been for a while to gently remind them that the swings are there for everyone and to move on, I'm not saying remove them as soon as another's child asks but don't keep them there for a prolonged period just because you can

OP posts:
CaptainDaydream · 22/02/2017 14:13

As I said right at the beginning of my last post, my kids do share, with friends and each other, I just don't force them to. I obviously don't stop them sharing either. They're happy to share most of their things. I've seen lots of examples of parents who think sharing means that their child can have something another child has as long as they call it sharing. Often we expect children to share their things in a way we wouldn't do ourselves as adults.

CaptainDaydream · 22/02/2017 14:19

This probably explains my pov better than I do...
www.scarymommy.com/why-i-wont-make-my-kids-share/amp/

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/02/2017 15:25

Captain thank you for the clarification 😀 I ageee with your points about taking what you want and call it sharing

OP posts:
bigearsthethird · 22/02/2017 15:38

CaptainDaydream. I don't think you've quite understood what sharing means. For children its essential as a social tool to teach being considerate of others - see case of the hogging the play equipment. Mine all share without a minutes hesitation, it doesn't mean though that they go up to other children and demand to be given the toy the child has. They will just quietly wait their turn and hope the child in question doesn't hog it too much.

I think comparing sitting at a table too long or using a laptop in a cafe (as per the article you posted) as an adult is a bit silly to be fair. No complete stranger is going to ask to use it are they? if I was sitting with friends using my laptop and they wanted to look something up on it, of course i'd let them use it.

If my child, for example, was in a cafe using a toy laptop, I wouldn't expect another child to demand to play with it and mine to just hand it over. Likewise I wouldn't let my child go up to another in this scenario and ask to use it.

But when children are playing together they should know to share. It does not create grabby little monsters who think they can have anything they want, quite the opposite. In my opinion anyway.

bumsexatthebingo · 22/02/2017 16:26

So if you hosted a playdate captain and your child decided the other child could touch nothing of theirs the whole time would you just have the other child sit there for the duration with no toys?

Sparklyglitter · 22/02/2017 18:01

We do most toys are sharing but it's ok to have some toys that are special. We've got space to have some toys downstairs these are the sharing "precious" toys have to be in their room or out of the way when friends come around xx

bumsexatthebingo · 22/02/2017 18:08

I think that's what most people do Sparkly. I put my dc's lego sets away that they have made so they don't get dismantled and other than that guests play with what they like. Even when my dc had a hard time taking turns he was never bothered about a toy he didn't have at the time. Not wanting another child to play with ANY of your toys on a playdate is pretty extreme and must be being fueled by the parent imo. I remember one time I was at a friends house with my dc and one of my dc started playing with something and the friend said 'it's miiiiiiiiiiine' and his mum just said 'all the toys here are yours - it's your house' and the child said 'oh yeah' and toddled off.

Craigie · 22/02/2017 18:32

Kids have to share, otherwise you're setting them up to be little shits. Everybody judges THOSE kids (and their parents!)

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/02/2017 18:36

Kids do have to share but still be able to do no at times is what I think if you take a ball to the park to meet friends then that item should be ok for all the kids involved to play I was taken aback that the parent reacted rather that the child in this instance

OP posts:
dogletsrock · 22/02/2017 18:36

I always said that my son could put away toys he didn't want to share, he was generally really good and didn't hide more than 1 or 2 things. It got difficult when a friend always wanted to borrow his toys. My DS really didn't like that, as they would come back with bits missing or not at all. So I had a rule no borrowing.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 22/02/2017 18:46

From the title I thought you meant sharing children!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/02/2017 19:14

Dagenham - there are days when you could have my dd no sharing required

OP posts:
Cantstopeatingchocolate · 22/02/2017 19:15

My DS went to a childminder from quite young and we were asked not to bring any toys from home. If he did insist on taking something the rule was - if he was willing to share with all the other children he could keep it, if not then it had to be put away. Same with the toys in her home, they took turns and if one became possessive with something it got removed completely.
My DS is an only child and has a few problems sharing his own toys (childminders and nursery toys were fine) but we encouraged him to share but never forced him,we always find something in the house he's willing to share. Or better still a game that needs two or more to play.
I've never expected him to share his bike or scooter at the park as they arent 'sharing toys' they are a mode of transport and only one can play with it at a time. Also never forced him to share anything with strangers in park. The point of the park is to play on the equipment.
Your friend is not allowing her son to learn to share by stepping in and saying 'he doesnt like to share'. It's a shame really. You'll not get your friend to see this either until you all start avoiding her and actually tell her why. Her DS is setting a bad example to your DC and at some point your DC will try to copy, you'll give them a row and they won't understand why. It's very confusing for them.

cherish123 · 22/02/2017 19:46

How strange to invite children to play and expect them to bring their own toys. This child will definitely struggle at nursery and school with sharing as it's a key focus in the early years.

cherish123 · 22/02/2017 19:47

Special toys can be hidden away when kids come to play.

Matchstickbox · 22/02/2017 19:51

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share/amp?client=safari

What are people's thoughts on this lady's ideas then? Out of curiosity?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 22/02/2017 20:13

Match-That "oh your so mad but I'm not done" is an awful thing to teach children it's almost mocking

I get not handing over instantly but I thing it's being mindful and not keeping things because you can

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 22/02/2017 20:41

I've got to say I don't agree with that post (or the one linked at the bottom abut long turns) just because I don't think that kids necessarily hold onto something because thy are fearful of losing it or because they are following an intense interest. I've often seen kids (my own included) who's sole interest in a toy is that another child wants it and the more upset the other child becomes the more gleefully they will hog the toy. In that case the child isn't finishing their turn but wilfully upsetting the other child. As a parent I can tell when this is the case. For eg when a child isn't actually playing with something but just holding it or they leap to get a toy they've had no previous interest in as another child is headed for it. Under these circumstances I think a 5 min limit is fair. As they are using the toy to be mean.
Also I wouldn't allow it if my child had a really good toy that both them and their friend wanted to play with on a playdate and my child decided he wasn't done with it for the whole 2hrs or so. It's teaching your child that it's ok yo hog and it's not going to make them popular.
And I don't get the adult comparison. Adults don't tend to get together for playdates but if a friend wanted to use my phone to make a call I wouldn't play Candy Crush on it for 2 hrs util I was done!

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