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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on children sharing

132 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:21

i think it's important that children learn to share but not feel as though they can't say no occasionally.

A friend flat out refuses to get her child to share his toys when we're there and we have to take toys for our dd to play with

Another friend today took a ball to the park for her dc but wouldn't let any of the other children in our group play with it, when the ball was kicked to another friends dd as the dd tried to kick it back the mum shouted "no no that's dcs ball he doesn't share"

What's the right lesson?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 20:52

Bumsex - yes that's me 😂

It's the same child

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 20:55

Boston - we do have other friends but these are our local friends there's 5 in our group and the dc with the ball is the one who trashed the house last week. The other 4 in the group are fine and my dd loves to play with them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/02/2017 21:03

That "friend" is seriously unhinged if she thinks she is parenting her child to develop friendships...

Is it possible that her DC has some sort of SEN so they don't respond to guidance and sharing? I still can't get my head around an adult thinking it's okay for any child to trash a house without trying to intervene.

At that age it's all about "taking turns" rather than true sharing anyway.

bostonkremekrazy · 20/02/2017 21:03

there is no law that you have to always meet up the 5 of you. perhaps ask one or 2 of the girls to meet up. or have a 1 on 1 for a change.
your dd cannot be having fun with a kid who behaves like that - and be honest - neither can you or you wouldn't keep posting about it.
it would bother me too - and the playdates with him would dry up!

Sunnysky2016 · 20/02/2017 21:06

Sharing is an essential part of life. Children have to be taught to share, whether that's a toy, a table at school, a seat on a bus.
I honestly don't think I would be comfortable hanging around with someone who parents their child this way. I'm not 100% sure why, I just know I would be uncomfortable.

Ohyesiam · 20/02/2017 21:11

My child had a "friend" when she was tiny, who would allow her one toy of his when we went round. His mother day and let him do it.
We haven't been round for many years....

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 21:14

Boston- me and one of the other girls left after and hour (the dc threw stones at her dd) and went back to hers to play which both dcs enjoyed.

At the moment none of the dcs are having a great time with her ds there at the minute the park was easier today with a bit of space and the ability to move children away when her dc had an issue to give him some space.

TBH Boston I post sometimes as I need a rant and sometimes I'm unsure if I'm being a bit precious

OP posts:
Tigresswoods · 20/02/2017 21:15

Nicpem1982 no a ball is so much more fun for more than 1. That needs to be shared by definition.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 21:17

Random - I don't know about Sen and TBH I don't think he's ever get diagnosed mum doesn't take him to health professionals, dentists, and when he's ill he gets taken to a walk in centre I don't even think he's been vaccinated

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BellyBean · 20/02/2017 21:17

DD has to put toys away if she doesn't want to share them. And if she went to the park with friends I'd expect her to share the toys she brings too, she can have sole use of toys if she goes just me and her.

bigearsthethird · 20/02/2017 21:29

A special bedtime teddy doesn't have to share. Everything else needs to share. If dc takes a scooter to park where we meet friends he will have to let others have a turn, or he doesn't take it.

If friends come round anything not shareable. Like a craft project or something would be put away and no one plays it during that time.

Same for playground equipment, if another child is waiting then only use for a reasonable amount of time . None of mine have had problems with sharing or taking turns and none of my friends children have either so our get togethers have all been great and fun for everyone. If even 1 child wasn't sharing, it would just have been awkward. And probably that friend and child might not have been asked out or round so much!!

I think children not taught to share actually end up missing out a lot.

Sabsy1 · 20/02/2017 21:32

That's really shocking. I have a 2 year old and never take toys to a playdate and nobody ever brought their toys to my house. Absolutely ridiculous! I wouldn't bother with her anymore! It infuriates me!

bumsexatthebingo · 20/02/2017 21:34

What kind of issues does the child have? I'm guessing the child either has sn and the parent is in complete denial and thinks he's just spirited or her weird parenting is causing these issues.
For the record one of my dc has sn and had a really hard time with sharing when he was younger. We had to work on it. No way would I have had a child round to play and said they couldn't play with any of his toys. I don't think it would have been fair to anyone to pretend that's ok. We used timers for taking turns (which the other children seemed to like as well) and he's actually pretty good at sharing now.

Pitchforktotheface · 20/02/2017 21:49

As a child, sharing usually means giving up whatever you are doing/ playing with to the other child, whether you are using it or not. Turn taking is much fairer, unless the child is simply saying no to any toy the other child wants.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/02/2017 07:28

Bumsex- here's what me and the other girls have queried with mum over the last 3 months in a nice way and the responses mums given:

Throwing food - re weaning him as he had a poorly throat

Prolonged High pitched screaming instead of words (which he knows) - it's how he's choosing to communicate

Throwing toys - kinaesthetic learner

Throwing stones - he's curious what would happen

Stamped on another friends wooded toy deliberately- well you should have bought plastic

The ball incident at the park

Parents went out together and left dc with mil where dc had a lovely time with them - dc didn't like it when they got home and punished them by pushing them away - they're not going out anymore

If dc has sn then obviously she needs supporting by her friends which we will.

Everyone in the group have tried to make allowances for dc and make mums life easier for them when they're out we've

Taken cars out when we've met for lunch as he loves them and mum normally forgets

Set up "quiet" areas with low lighting, comfy blankets and quiet activities/story books for mum to utilise when he's getting upset

Focused activities around his likes to try and maintain interest

Not planned activities and let the dcs just play

Cooked different food to accomadate him

Spoke to mum and asked what she needs us to do to help as we're all pretty open and mostly we get "he's just being a toddler" or one of the reasons from above.

We're on egg shells as if we say something even in passing around his behaviour i.e. "Oh dear dc are you having a good day today?" We get snapped at.

My friend gave him his dinner on a blue plate and mom kicked off as why should he she pigeon holed just because he's a boy and made my friend change the plate to pink

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 21/02/2017 07:34

You all sound like lovely friends, trying to help the wee boy to settle and be comfortable to such extremes.
What the feck is a kinaesthetic learner?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/02/2017 07:37

Soar- some one who learns by doing essentially we had a play date last week and her ds wrecked my living room and mom said she won't stop him making a mess as he's a kinaesthesic learner

OP posts:
SaudadeObama · 21/02/2017 07:38

Learning to share toys is more about learning to socially interact with others than it is about the actual toys.

WendlaBergmann · 21/02/2017 07:52

We put special toys away before play dates, so that there's nothing out that DS would struggle to share. But other than that he shares, as do his friends

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 21/02/2017 08:13

Wendla - we keep dds special toys in her room as they're mostly cuddlys that's she loves.

My dd is still young 2.5 but plays with some toys that are a little older so we move those too (Lego, Sylvanian families etc) as the dcs she plays with aren't playing with toys like that yet.

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Wixi · 21/02/2017 12:11

We haven't specifically said anything about sharing to our daughter aged 7 (only child), but she is happy to share with friends and cousins. She does choose to put away special toys that might get broken when friends come round, but is happy to share everything else.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2017 12:13

That is absurd. Whenever a child comes to the house for a playdate, they are a guest, and dc have to share their toys. Any toys that shoulden't be played with, are put away. Don't go back, if your friend does not make her child share, there is going to be a big problem later on for her.

GallivantingWildebeest · 21/02/2017 12:21

If you take a toy to the park where you have arranged to meet friends, you share that toy.

If you invite friends and their dc round to your house, the expectation is that the dc will play with your dc's toys. Otherwise, what's the point?

Your friend sounds crap, and I wouldn't be socialisng with her again.

If pne of my dd had a really fav/previous toy, they might put it away when friends came over, but the vast majority of their toys were there for playing with!

GallivantingWildebeest · 21/02/2017 12:23

Oh, she's the one with the kinaesthetic learner? She's bonkers. I'd ditch her. Life's too short.

StickyMouse · 21/02/2017 12:26

We have friends who's DD reacts every time my DD touches anything of hers, we don't go around very often now.

Are you going to mention to your friend that its odd?

Also special cuddly/babies etc are exempt from the sharing rule.