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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your views on children sharing

132 replies

Nicpem1982 · 20/02/2017 17:21

i think it's important that children learn to share but not feel as though they can't say no occasionally.

A friend flat out refuses to get her child to share his toys when we're there and we have to take toys for our dd to play with

Another friend today took a ball to the park for her dc but wouldn't let any of the other children in our group play with it, when the ball was kicked to another friends dd as the dd tried to kick it back the mum shouted "no no that's dcs ball he doesn't share"

What's the right lesson?

OP posts:

seafoodeatit · 21/02/2017 12:31

Sharing is an important skill, as is being a kind host! You can't invite people around and then not let them play with anything/allow your child to stop them from playing. We've tried to teach our eldest that sharing is a nice thing to do and that it's okay to have a few special things which you don't have to share and keep in your own room.

TheLittleRedHen · 21/02/2017 12:37

Rules in our house when we have friends over is that if you don't want to share it, don't get it out.

Parents not allowing children to share a ball is very weird. IMO, she should have told you in advance that they were bringing a ball that her DC aren't sharing and so can you please bring one for your DC to play with.

hookiewookie29 · 21/02/2017 12:40

I'm a CM and this is how I see it..

If a child is playing with a large amount of something eg cars, bricks etc then there's enough to go round sivthey can share.
I'd a child is only playing with one toy then they can't share so others must wait their turn.

purplecollar · 21/02/2017 12:43

If you have a bag of sweets, you offer them round. If you have your favourite teddy, you don't have to share that. If someone comes to your home, you share your toys. If anything is particularly precious, put it away in a cupboard before they arrive. If there's only one thing and both of you want it, you take turns. If you really want something somebody is playing with already, you wait a while and see if it becomes free.

You don't demand, snatch, make a fuss if you can't have something. It's a bit like going to a gym. You want to use the rower but somebody else is on it. So you go and do the treadmill for a bit and see if it becomes free. If somebody's hogging it, it's ok to ask, may I have a go. They might say no, in which case you have to accept that.

Which is entirely different to a friend's view. Her view was if her ds asks for it nicely, he can have it. No matter who it belonged to, what the circumstances were, how long the other dc had been playing with it. That to me is not sharing. He came a cropper when he started school and other dc wouldn't get off the activity tables to give him a place at his demand.

I think if you take something to the park or the beach, then no you don't have to share that with random strangers. Neither is it ok to go and take somebody's ball, scooter, bike (we've had that) or rubber dingy and start playing with it. But if you've gone with a friend, yes you do have to share these things.

It must be very complicated for small dc I think.

User1483300717 · 21/02/2017 12:46

Nicpem- how old is your dc? My 3 yo has always been good at sharing. I would encourage him from a young age to roll a ball back and forth with a play friend etc. If he's playing with something he won't let anyone take it off him he will let them join in or he will let them play when he's finished. That's what I've always encouraged and it has worked.

AmericanPastoral · 21/02/2017 12:51

As many have said, put away special toys and share the rest.. There's great advice in this article about how to share and take turns confidently but not aggressively [[https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/the-art-of-saying-no-how-to-raise-kids-to-be-polite-not-pushovers/2016/08/30/9537e5d0-696c-11e6-ba32-5a4bf5aad4fa_story.html?utm_term=.01fe941933cc The Art of Saying No How to Raise Kids to be Polite but not Pushovers]]

LoveDeathPrizes · 21/02/2017 12:53

I don't insist that DD share things like her favourite teddy etc (I have favourite things and they're mine!) but otherwise, meh. What's the big deal?

thegreylady · 21/02/2017 12:56

Surely a ball is meant to be shared. It's not much fun just kicking a ball on your own.

User1483300717 · 21/02/2017 12:57

Purpulecollar- my ds makes loads of friends in the park there all share their bikes, balls etc (well the majority). It's nice for them to be sociable.
But them I'm from a friendly sociable city.
Can you guess the city?

BaconMaker · 21/02/2017 13:13

It's important kids can put away special toys when other kids come round to play. When going to the park I always said only bring things you're prepared to share - if you're not prepared to share your scooter that's fine but we can't bring it.

My DD went through a stage where she was massively anxious about other children touching her toys - way beyond normal toddler not wanting to share. It really was beyond her control and overwhelming - we had to stop playdates for a while but fortunately now she's got over that and just puts away special toys before playdate arrives.

1AnnoyingOrange · 21/02/2017 13:13

I make 8, 6 and 4 yr old DC share if they are playing with other children and if there is a guest they have to give priority/choice to the guest.

My 18 month old doesn't have any concept of this, if another child wants something they have to wait or distract her until the toy is free. This isn't spoiling her, see above.

If they have something special they dont want played with, they should keep it out of sight/ reach. If the guest finds it anyway they are allowed to say something like - please can you keep my watch on a shelf as it may get broken etc. or please can you put special teddy somewhere safe

At home they have to take turns if both want the same thing (happens all the time).

Going with a group to the park with a ball, not to share, is crazy.

BaconMaker · 21/02/2017 13:15

On the other hand I have a friend who goes too far the other way always insisting DD shared everything - including her special comfort blanket and a bead necklace she was actually wearing. I put my foot down and said no to that.

BaconMaker · 21/02/2017 13:16

By the way OP you seem to start a thread every other day about a friend or relative who doesn't make their kids share/lets their kids throw toys/destroy your DD's things. Either you're exaggerating or are incredibly unlucky with your friends and relatives.

womaninatightspot · 21/02/2017 13:20

When out and about i like them to share. Toys that are taken to park/ pool are for sharing. If you don't want to share then they must be put away out of sight. I really dislike kids who leave a spade in the centre of the sandpit which must then be treated as a magic circle of exclusion or they will race over from the other side of the park shouting about it.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 21/02/2017 13:40

User - she's 2.5

Bacon - this is the same friend re the ball and the throwing and trashing my house so not unlucky with all my friends and relatives just this one and my inlaws. They only represent a very small percentage of the people we know and see on a regular basis but they're the ones who seem to cause me the most ugh 😑!

The lady who asks that we take toys for our dd is from a different circle of friends

OP posts:

AlisonJuggler · 21/02/2017 15:08

I taught my children to share from a young age, but also taught them that there were 2 sides to sharing: yes you should share when asked, but the 'asker' needs to learn to 'ask and wait'. Not snatch and then enter a battle over who had it first. It didn't always work, but they gradually learnt to be good sharers and patient askers. I also taught them to 'trade', which sometimes works well too.

Noodlebetti · 21/02/2017 15:09

I am in the encourage my child to share camp. Of course I don't expect him to just give up something he is in the middle of playing with but that's when taking turns come in and I encourage 'I'm busy with it just now but will give it to you when I'm finished'

What is most bizzare about the OP is that the mother doesn't even give sharing a go! It's a straight forward "don't kick it back, he doesn't share" which is just weird.
So does he play alone all of the time? What if e really wants to share something? Tough, he just can't cos he doesn't share?
Nowt as queer as folk. I wouldn't want to be friends with these people!

bluebellsparklypants · 21/02/2017 15:14

Not share toys/ball at the park really?

I'm not in agreement with that sharing needs to be tought surely

Special toys are probably alittle different but to actively say my child doesn't share ?
I'm amazed

Kithulu · 21/02/2017 16:06

My worry would be based around the fact that school will come as a massive culture shock to them if they have never learnt to share. They will have a really tough time.

Thingiebob · 21/02/2017 17:20

It's weird to take a ball and the openly announce you don't share. It's just odd. Almost as if they are making a point.

'Oh you don't share? Why is that?'

'Well, we firmly believe that our special snowflake shouldn't be forced to do anything he/she doesn't like doing. It teaches them self-worth yadda yadda...'

bumsexatthebingo · 21/02/2017 17:28

You are more patient than me if you can support your friend. I'm very tolerant of kids behaviour and my kids have many friends who have sn and some who are just difficult. But the mums complete disregard for your house and unwillingness to step in and parent would have me running for the hills!

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 21/02/2017 19:21

Bumsex- I honestly don't know if it's blatant disregard for me and my home or she's severely struggling and doesn't know how to say/what to do and I don't want to isolate her from our group potentially at a time when she could need it the most

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 21/02/2017 19:23

Thingie- another friend has mentioned that she often things some of her parental choices/things she says are deliberately controversial i.e. The whole blue plate saga

OP posts:

lj73unique · 21/02/2017 19:58

My(2nd ) son is 15 years younger than his brother.Fortunately the oldest didn't share pornhub and was easy about a shot of jumperoo. Also fortunately my youngest has some sort of 'freak' gene that automatically kicks in,tho it may be restricted(privately,by him)he has a knack for ensuring guest,friend,cousin,visitor,peer is catered for before kicking off bout touching his stuff. .one of the rare times,I feel lucky. Also.I would speak to individual parents based on individual (other ,and mine)children's play.like it or not they all have the potential to act like wee twats.tired and hungry are so emotions

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/02/2017 21:04

Children who aren't taught/trained to share and take turns are in for a shock when they get to pre-school/Reception though. Their dc are still in the toddler

I think you're being very tolerant of your friends, OP, they do seem to have some issues which they're projecting onto their dc. The ds's behaviour simply seems to reflect a lack of boundaries and guidance, rather than indicators of any additional needs. Don't all children start life totally self-centred, as a survival trait, and have to be taught to consider others as well as self?

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