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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
Saucery · 19/02/2017 17:39

She backed off when you explained about his autism, so you are only a tiny bit U.

Unsure123456 · 19/02/2017 17:41

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Trollspoopglitter · 19/02/2017 17:42

It's really none of her business how you parent. I'm surprised she was "insistent" as most people get a torrent of abuse from a parent for even suggesting their child did something wrong or daring to suggest to the parent any sort of action.

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 17:42

She wbu to expect your son to apologise. But you should have. If my car is parked close to others I would leave it locked and then open the door myself. I have 2 kids (1 with asd) and even the nt one wouldn't necessarily remember to open their door carefully.

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 17:43

I also have child locks partly due to the fact I know my kids would fling their doors open without checking.

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl · 19/02/2017 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 19/02/2017 17:44

Yabu. You missed a life lesson for your son here.

Sung · 19/02/2017 17:45

YANBU for not getting your child out of the car to apologise.
YABU for not supervising your child opening the car door when so close to another car, and just 6 yrs old!

user1483387154 · 19/02/2017 17:45

If your child is capable of apologising then I think he should have done so. I hope that you did on his behalf.

allchattedout · 19/02/2017 17:46

Well, depends on how you worded it. I would have immediately said 'I am so sorry, he has autism and doesn't realise he might be damaging property. I hope your car is not damaged and again, I am sorry'. Because it is your responsibility to make sure that he does not damage things and that means ensuring that he does not run ahead or getting one of the older kids to help. The other woman was not to know that he has autism and I would be pretty annoyed if someone banged my car and if it was an NT child, I might be content with an apology from the child rather than demanding the parent hand over insurance details.

TwistedReach · 19/02/2017 17:46

'he probably should have been made to get out and apologise then maybe he wouldn't do it again, autism or not.' It's not your fault, but you don't understand autism. Again, it's not your fault, because you don't understand, but this kind of response is an example of discrimination.

eurochick · 19/02/2017 17:47

Yabu. People like you are why I've just paid 200 quid to Chipsaway. If your child isn't able to be careful then you need to supervise them so other people's property isn't damaged.

hoddtastic · 19/02/2017 17:47

does he have autism or poor auditory issues? YWBBU if you said your child had ASD issues when he doesn't (if that's the case) - it's unclear.

it was better by luck than your judgement that the car wasn't damaged- i wouldn't have got my kid out of the car but equally, my kid wouldn't be swinging doors open wide enough (unsupervised) to potentially damage other peoples property.

CatchTheRainbow · 19/02/2017 17:48

Did you at least apologise?

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 17:50

I don't have any issue with that comment TwistedReach. He may not do it again if he had been made to apologise but it's no guarantee. He may not do it again now his mum has spoken to him about it - but he might. Ultimately it is the parents responsibility to make sure young kids aren't whacking other drivers doors with theirs regardless of sn. I don't know a 6yo that would be consistently careful doing this so the sn aren't really relevant here tbh.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/02/2017 17:50

As above - don't unlock the car doors until you're at the car.

BadKnee · 19/02/2017 17:50

Agree you should have supervised. A child running ahead and opening the door is likely to bang it. You know he has a form of autism and used that as a reason for his behaviour but didn't think to factor that in when opening the doors.

I would never have let my kids open the doors on their own at six in a crowded car park - it is obvious what is likely to happen. You were lucky that the car wasn't damaged.

RandomMess · 19/02/2017 17:51

I didn't let my DC open the car doors at that age and beyond so they didn't damage other people's property. Perhaps be more mindful that as the parent you do have the power to prevent that sort of incidence occurring?

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/02/2017 17:51

So he may not even have touched her car with the door and there was no damage, but the driver's friend thought he should apologize anyway? What for exactly? Speaking to kids about opening car doors carefully is almost always a good idea, because they are a bit oblivious to things often and they have no concept of how much damage it could cause. But YWNBU to refuse to make him get out of the car to participate in some absurd performance to make up for absolutely nothing. It's a power play by the driver's friend, it's a pity she has no better way of feeling good about herself.

GallivantingWildebeest · 19/02/2017 17:53

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Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 17:57

I don't think he should have been made to apologise no, you should have apologised on his behalf. I don't understand why you would have unlocked the door allowing him to run ahead and do that, that was th root of the issue. The car should have been locked and he should have been supervised.

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 17:57

YABU. Everything about this would have made you look entitled, selfish and rude. You are lucky she isn't asking you to pay for the dint in her car!! If he has autism and other sensory issues he shouldn't be opening the door by himself anyway- you have used that as an excuse for your own mistake in not supervising him properly. My own 6 year old would not be opening car doors herself.

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 17:58

I don't think there was a dint Thinnestofthinice

isadoradancing123 · 19/02/2017 18:02

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foxyloxy78 · 19/02/2017 18:02

She is being very unreasonable insisting that your son apologises. It is up to you to parent him and discipline how you see fit. But I guess lesson learnt for you to ensure you open the door for your kids so they don't bash the doors next time.