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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 18:19

Sorry X-posted. In that case it's just a matter of holding his hand and making sure you open his door.

gillybeanz · 19/02/2017 18:19

YABU and you should supervise your children.
Autism is not an excuse to not care for your dc correctly, in fact they often need more parenting and intervention.
I have 2 with asd's they behave themselves as they are taught to.
Everyone makes mistakes though and YWNBU to not make your child apologise it wasn't his fault and he obviously can't be trusted in these circumstances.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:20

He went ahead of me and (Im assuming) tried his door which would ordinarily be locked but i had left it unlocked so it opened. He doesnt need reins.

OP posts:
Lilmisskittykat · 19/02/2017 18:22

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Asparagusupmynose · 19/02/2017 18:23

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Trollspoopglitter · 19/02/2017 18:26

"You are using your child autism is justify your poor parenting judgement and rudeness."

Oh that is just uncalled for and an unwarranted judgemental thing to write based fuck all. She explained her son was autistic because a stranger was insisting she drag her child out of her car and make him apologise for a scratch that WASN'T there. Which may be a bit too abstract and confusing of a concept to him.

wevecomeonholidaybymistake · 19/02/2017 18:26

FGS she's said several times she apologised.
DS has AS, if that was him forcing him to apologise to a stranger wouldn't end well. He won't speak to people he doesn't know and if spoken to harshly by a stranger would totally panic and flip out.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:26

Lilmisskitty how was i rude? Tell me! How did I "use" my child's autism? What do you think you would have done, in the same circumstances, with an ASD child, and for whose benefit?

OP posts:
Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:27

This is like a cancel the cheque moment!

I APOLOGISED

OP posts:
F1GI · 19/02/2017 18:28

I think the woman was being silly expecting an apology from a 6yo and also arrogant to essentially dictate to you how to parent the 6yo (i.e. Forcing him to apologise). It was your place to apologise, which you did, and having checked the car was not damaged there should have been no more to do it.

That said, I expect the woman was rightly extremely pissed off that a child had been allowed to open a car door so close to her car, potentially causing damage to something that cost her thousands of pounds.

Olympiathequeen · 19/02/2017 18:29

You apologised and it's enough. Forcing any child into apologising for something they don't see as wrong, ie opening a car door, is ridiculous. You only apologise for doing something you know is wrong. You sat and explained to him why he should be more careful, and if he does it again then he would have to apologise as he would know it's wrong. If his autism makes his understanding or impulsive behaviour not really 'get it' then just do what you did this time.

Ihatethedailymail1 · 19/02/2017 18:29

What does auditory issues mean? Deaf? Hard of hearing? How does that affect anything in this scenario?

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 18:29

Asparagusupmyose Well that would be nice for your child to hear!

If this happened to me then I would have said that I wasn't getting my child out of the car as it was my fault for letting him open the door ahead of me and apologised myself.
Going into the childs medical history was unnecessary. As would be hurling insults.
The op usually locks the door and I'm sure she'll be more mindful in future when it's unlocked.
The aibu was about getting the child out of the car and the op wasn't u not to imo.

Foldedtshirt · 19/02/2017 18:29

Don't let children open car doors unsupervised.

onbroadway89 · 19/02/2017 18:29

Of course all children with autism are different. Actually make that all children are different anyway. But any talking about things after the event with my son with autism when he was 6 would not have meant a thing. It would have been a waste of words because he would not have been able to connect my words with an event that happened a little while ago. Had I though got him to get out of the car to apologise it would have meant something, and he could have learned from the experience. So unpleasant though saying "sorry" (and he only had limited speech at that age) might have been at the time, it would have been a great learning experience. for him and one he just may have understood.

Of course the same may not apply to your son, as I say everyone's different.

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 18:30

There may have not been a dint but trust me if she was an arsehole she would have blamed you for one that inevitably would have been there already. I meant you are lucky he didn't dint it regardless- only having to apologize would seem a lucky escape to me after my kid had just bashed the car door into someone else's! He should have apologized anyway- I'm shocked you think it's ok for him to just jump in the car after doing that!

harderandharder2breathe · 19/02/2017 18:30

Sibu for insisting he apologise when you had already done so, yabu for not supervising your child in a car park

maybeIamtoo · 19/02/2017 18:31

YANBU
To all who say the OP shouldn't have open the car before she could properly supervise her son, maybe her car is like my one , I don't have to press the button on my keys to open. When I'm within a meter of the car, with keys in pocket it's unlocking itself IYKWIM. Then my kids can open the door themselves.
Accidents like that happens , but hold on - there was no accident as there was no damage!!! So why give OP such a hard time here? I'm sure she didn't let him run through the car park (she did explain that number of times) and I'm sure she apologised and learn her lesson. Although with kid who has a ASD can be very challenging to get them to do something in the right way.
Good luck OP, don't let some of the posts here to get you to question your parenting

acquiescence · 19/02/2017 18:31

Yanbu. What was there to apologise for if there was no damage?

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 18:31

OP I think you should edit your first post to include that you apologised.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:32

Thankyou maybeiamtoo. X

OP posts:
fionarcat · 19/02/2017 18:32

It is awareness of his actions that is the important thing. I have an autistic kid and I totally understand that you need to talk to him away from ranting. You apologised and there was no damage so it should be done. However, all this crap about giving the 'bitch' a hard time is totally ridiculous. This is exactly the wrong way to deal with any situation, especially if you have a kid with SN.

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 18:33

Anyway my last post as you clearly think you are in the right. ^^ when he inevitably and god forbid bashes his door into someone more hot-headed and leaves a mark or hurts himself with the car door then unfortunately you will see why you need to supervise him better.

Grannyben · 19/02/2017 18:33

It was your fault, not his. You spoke to your son and, apologised yourself to the other party. Lesson learned xx

onbroadway89 · 19/02/2017 18:34

And DS has ASD with auditory issues so my shouting instructions dont make any difference as a rule. Sitting him down calmly later and explaining is the way to get the message over, in my experience of him, not getting him out of the car again to speak to a stranger to apologise for damage that he almost did

Sorry, OP, ignore my post just now. I see that your son and mine are completely opposite in the way they process information. Mine would not have understood any words that were spoken later or been able to relate it to earlier, while yours possible can. Sorry again and another example of how autism is such a wide ranging condition.