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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
lougle · 19/02/2017 18:03

I don't think she had the right to decide how you dealt with his behaviour, but I think that if a child has SN that means they will be less aware of causing damage to other people's belongings, you need to supervise them more closely. Very poor auditory issues is particularly dangerous in a car park, anything else aside. I say that as a parent of a child with SN. It's exhausting and it's relentless but it's life with children with SN.

So YANBU to explain that you would deal with it at home and that he wouldn't have realised his error, but YWBU for allowing him to get into that position in the first place. Having said that, hindsight is 20:20 and I've had plenty of times when I've thought back and thought 'I should have seen that coming' and I almost never have! Smile

CatchTheRainbow · 19/02/2017 18:03

You are lucky she isn't asking you to pay for the dint in her car!!

I think the OP is being unreasonable but she did say there was no damage.

SauvignonBlanche · 19/02/2017 18:04

I can't believe how people think sometimes. Shock Sad That would have
been a shitty attitude towards an NT 6 year old.

YWNBU OP.

GabsAlot · 19/02/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BridgeRiverTower · 19/02/2017 18:04

YANBU there was no damage to the car. She has zero right to demand that you make your child apologise. I'd have told her to fuck off with her "demands"

Entitled prick.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2017 18:05

I hope you apologised on your son's behalf!

Next time, don't open the doors until you're there to make sure they don't slam them into someone else's vehichle.

Bluebellevergreen · 19/02/2017 18:05

I think the issue here is that you didnt supervise your child, with auditory issues, in a car park.

And then he bangs a door. I dont care if he apologises to her or me I just want you to stop letting this kind of stuff from happening.

Good tips here on how other mums manage.

You still think is ok to bang someone's door huh Hmm

edwinbear · 19/02/2017 18:05

My 7 & 5 year olds know full well they do not open car doors themselves for precisely this reason. YABU.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/02/2017 18:05

YABU, not for not making your child apologise but for not apologising on their behalf.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 19/02/2017 18:06

YWBVU
Not surprised they were cross. He wasn't able to open the door because of auditory issues and/or autism, but because you'd already unlocked the car!!

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:06

Wow! That's my arse handed to me!

Of course I apologised, even though there was no mark whatsoever!

Bang on, BoomBoomsCousin! Some weird power play going on, was the impression I got.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 19/02/2017 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauvignonBlanche · 19/02/2017 18:08

Exactly lougle, I should have added that of course OP is at fault for allowing the situation to happen and for not being perfect my DS with ASD did the same once and of course it was my fault. So it's the adult who should be doing the apologising.

Funnyface1 · 19/02/2017 18:10

I wouldn't have asked for an apology from him, I would have asked for one from you. You were the one entirely at fault.

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 18:11

Well in that case op yanbu. It was you who should have apologised ime since it was your fault and not your sons. Like lougle said though we all look back and see what we could have done better with hindsight. Take it as a lesson learned and open his door in future.

Hatemylifenow · 19/02/2017 18:12

Please hold your child's hand in car parks. I saw a four year old get hit by a car in one recently Sad

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:13

The car wasnt locked as Id left my Dad snoozing in the front seat.

Yes of course I apologised.

And DS has ASD with auditory issues so my shouting instructions dont make any difference as a rule. Sitting him down calmly later and explaining is the way to get the message over, in my experience of him, not getting him out of the car again to speak to a stranger to apologise for damage that he almost did...

OP posts:
Spottytop1 · 19/02/2017 18:13

It doesn't really matter if there was a mark or not their car was hit by your car door so you should apologise. If you bump into someone do you only apologise if you mark them?

Your child should be supervised in and out of the car, especially in car parks and even more so if he has additional needs.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:15

Spottytop I did apologise

OP posts:
Asparagusupmynose · 19/02/2017 18:16

You apologised, that was enough. I'm sure you will watch your son getting into the car in future. If he damages something you have to pay for it. The friend of the car owner was being a child hating cow though, too many of them about. That is the point you should have turned protective mummy and reminded her it was none of her fucking business!

Spikeyball · 19/02/2017 18:16

Depends upon the person with autism doesn't it isadora. With some it will be.

I wouldn't have my child out but would have apologised for them and would supervise door openings more closely.

HappyFlappy · 19/02/2017 18:16

This is a massive pet hate of mine. You shouldnt unlock your car until you are there to supervise your children getting into the car so you don't bang doors against other cars. YABU and she was right he probably should have been made to get out and apologise then maybe he wouldn't do it again, autism or not.

THIS ^^^^ Thank you Unsure

I would have opened the door and said to him "Quentin - your door banged against this lady's car. We know that it was an accident, but please tell her that you are sorry and you will be more careful next time."

It's not a matter of "humiliating" him - it's a matter of raising his awareness of his actions. My daughter has Asperger's. The lack of social skills these children have can make them a butt of other people's anger through no fault of their own. Raising your child's awareness through bringing things to his attention is NOT humiliating him. It is helping him to learn.

lljkk · 19/02/2017 18:17

yanbu.

Weird to ask a 6yo to apologise to strangers over an almost nothing event. OP apologised & there was no harm done. I can't believe someone got shirty demanding more than that. Don't these people have something better to do? Sheesh.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:17

He didnt run away in the carpark, he ran ahead of me near the car. So i was near the boot as he got in his seat. He was never more than about 4 feet away from me.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 18:17

Did you allow him to run ahead or did he give you the slip? If he gave you the slip some of those backpack reins might be a good idea when you're in places like carparks.