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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
GavelRavel · 19/02/2017 18:34

YANBU to not get him out. But this issue is exactly why P and C parking spaces go up to older than 5 imo, you need the extra room to stop them doing this on the odd occasion you are distracted, though, as others have said, I use child locks and try and shepherd them in and out to prevent it. Hard when you have 4 kids though, I tell at them all the time to get in and out carefully but they sometimes forget, as kids do. Really made me scoff on that parking thread recently when people were saying P&C spaces should stop once they were out of baby seats as that's what you need the extra room for. Yes, that, and to give them more space to get in and out without clonking the doors of any cars parked too close (and yes, I control the situation, my kids, tell them to be careful etc etc but it does occasionally happen)

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:35

Thinnest, I am not in any way attempting to justify him banging the car door. I went cold as it happened! But getting a child back out of the car when he wouldnt understand and I strongly suspect didnt even kniw he had done anything, is pointless.

OP posts:
Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 18:36

S'alright Onbroadway89

OP posts:
GavelRavel · 19/02/2017 18:36

I agree with you. As others have said, it was "your fault" if anyone's and you apologised. Case closed.

zzzzz · 19/02/2017 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gandalf456 · 19/02/2017 18:38

No way would I be getting him out of the car. If anyone is going to tell off my kids, it's going to be me, not some stranger. You don't know what she would have said or done so I'd be looking at it from a safety point of view.

TwistedReach · 19/02/2017 18:38

Is 'car door' highlighted for everyone else? Autism or not I would not like someone insisting a 6 year old get out and apologise to an adult. But this thread shows additional ignorance about the lack of social rules awareness that those with asd have.
But on top of this, the links to eBay car doors on this thread is surreal!

Asparagusupmynose · 19/02/2017 18:38

bumsexatthebingo- The child was in the car, you can mouth it with effort and make it clear. When people are being cruel to small children you stand up for them.
Fionarcat- the woman was a bitch because it wasn't her car and she was leaping into a situation, to have a go a child, when it was nothing to do with her and she had no reason to request or suggest an apology from the child was necessary.

EmmaGellerGreen · 19/02/2017 18:40

I think that yabu for letting children run in car parks. She was a bit crazy for wanting an apology from your child though.

EmeraldScorn · 19/02/2017 18:41

Not everything has to be a "life lesson" for a child, he's six and he accidentally hit a car with the door; As a parent I would have apologised to the owner but I wouldn't force my child to apologise for an accident that they were unaware of.

I would however have a private and gentle talk later with my child and reinforce the necessity of being careful and respectful of other people's belongings.

I'm sure the OP's children are not the only children in the world who have ever run ahead of their parent(s) and caused an accident/a bit of fuss; It doesn't equate to bad parenting!

This is Mumsnet though and on here there appears to be a high proportion of wonderfully behaved kids and Stepford wives, no mistakes are made in their families/households.

bumblingbovine49 · 19/02/2017 18:43

If there is no damage done, what the hell is there to apologise for?

If there is damage , then an apology (from the adult in charge!!) and payment for damage done is in order.

If there was no damage, it is likely the door did not touch the other door, or if it did, it was so softly that it did no damage. Surely people are no so precious about their cars that they demand a 6 year old out of a car (autism or not) and apologise. For what exactly? - "touching, but not damaging" their car? Surely if there is no damage, a quick apology from the adult for the "thoughtlessness of a 6 year old child and a promise to have a word with them later about how their actions could possibly have caused damage etc is adequate"

The child just needs a reminder in future about the best way to get in and out of a car, each time he does it. I am sure the OP will be doing that from now on.

witsender · 19/02/2017 18:44

Goodness, yanbu at all. You checked the car with the owner, and apologised despite there being no damage. Owner was clearly leaving it there by getting the car, other woman gets involved.

I would have done the same thing OP, and my 6 yr old is NT. I wouldn't 'expose' my child to the potential wrath of someone who thinks that behaving like that is appropriate.

user1484539497 · 19/02/2017 18:47

I wouldn't expect a NT 6 year old to apologize in this situation, the parent saying sorry if perfectly adequate, especially as there was no damage.

Ignore all the negative comments OP, you took your eye off the ball for a few seconds. We all do it.

Ordinarily · 19/02/2017 18:57

YANBU. You never know what the angry person might say or do and it's unfair to let a small child experience that, when they'd just made a mistake or forgotten to take more care. No-one benefits from a stranger having a rant at your child. At the age of 6, with or without autism, it's fine for the parent to apologise on the child's behalf, offer to make amends if necessary, and speak with the child themselves separately.

Yellowbird54321 · 19/02/2017 19:00

YANBU at all. Fuss making woman was creating a mountain out of a molehill and needs to lighten up, but then I am often amazed by how precious some people are about cars! There was no damage, it was a non event, give it no more thought and enjoy the rest of your evening.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/02/2017 19:02

I have a child with SN but I am strongly of the opinion it is 'not an excuse for slack parenting/rude behaviour blah blah' but the OP is NOT doing any of that.
This thread seems to be just a handy platform for some posters to express their grievance about all these people letting their SN kids get away with things Hmm

People are not reading the OP because they are so eager to get it all off their chests. GIve it a fucking rest.

The only thing I will agree is that the OP shouldn't let her 6 year old open a car door on his own. Its asking for trouble.

The ASD is relevant because dragging a kid with ASD out of a car to apologise to a stranger with a scary face for something they don't understand would be cruel.

There was no damage to the car, the OP said sorry and the woman blapping on wasn't even the owner.

But hey, carry on with your DM comments about parents these days using SN as an excuse.

BonnieF · 19/02/2017 19:02

Parents should accept responsibility for their children's behaviour and for the consequences of their children's actions.

If someone allowed their unsupervised child to bang a door into my car, I would hold the parent, not the child responsible. If the unsupervised child damaged my car, the parent would get the repair bill. If they didn't pay to repair the damage their unsupervised child had done to my property, I would sue.

Screwinthetuna · 19/02/2017 19:05

YANBU. Can't blame her for being angry about getting her car bashed but you are responsible for your child and your apology should suffice. I wouldn't have anyone force my child to do anything (except myself and DH)

CaraAspen · 19/02/2017 19:07

The woman was right. You should have asked your child to say sorry but if you had supervised him properly, he would not have touched the other car in the first place.
As for the person who said people are touchy about their cars, well of course they are. No one careless damage marks which cost money to repair. Grrrr

CaraAspen · 19/02/2017 19:09

...wants careless damage marks...

teresa5849 · 19/02/2017 19:09

You responded in the best possible way remain calm and be polite, some people are always looking for the next way of making trouble.

Lynnm63 · 19/02/2017 19:10

If anyone insisted I forced my child to get out of the car to apologise after I'd apologised I'd have told her to fuck off.

queenofshihtzus · 19/02/2017 19:11

YANBU - there's nothing wrong with teaching your child to respect other people's possessions but to drag your DS out of your car to apologise for non exsistant damage is ridiculous. My DS is 12 and also has autism, if I had dragged him from my car to apologise for no damage (quite possibly just over excitement? Accident?) it would have provoked his severe anxiety and created the mother of all meltdowns that would have lasted, the case of my DS, for hours, and for what? To appease a stranger for no purpose at all. No, I would have had a quiet word, as you did. You're not 'using' autism, it is a legitimate disability that requires a different parenting technique.

SallyInSweden · 19/02/2017 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 19/02/2017 19:15

I can't stand it when people ding my car with their doors, but I think forced apologies are pointless and only teach children that they can do what they want because all they have to do is say 'sorry' and everything is OK again.

There wasn't any damage so taking him out to look at it wouldn't have achieved anything. If there had been damage, paying for it would have been more to the point than apologizing.

You apologized, presumably for not keeping him closer so you could warn him about the other car door before he opened his. I think that should have covered it.