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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 19:18

But Mrs DV it would be wrong to haul any 6yo out of the car to apologise for an accident they didn't realise had happened and wasn't their fault. I don't think the op is bu and a lot of the comments now are from people who have only read the op where it looks like she didn't apologise.
If you take the sn out of the situation it would be no different. Op briefly distracted, young child banged car with door, op apologised, other drivers friend insisted the child apologise, op refused. Other than making sure she opens her kids door in future there's nothing else to say. And I would do that with ANY 6 yo - they need to pull pretty hard to get the door open and can't control it as much as an adult/older child - even if they try (which most won't remember to).

Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/02/2017 19:19

I wouldn't have allowed my child to apologise as it was demanded by an unpleasant bully throwing her weight around, I would have considered my own apology ( for nothing!!!) enough
No more bashing the op please she did nothing wrong

FixItUpChappie · 19/02/2017 19:19

I wouldn't have conceded to someone else's demand that he apologize - it's up to you to deal with it. More likely that she would have got a fuck off from me for badgering on about it after my initial apology.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/02/2017 19:22

That is true bum but many 6 year olds could cope without too much distress. My youngest wouldn't like it but he wouldn't worry about it. My 14 year old(with ASD) would have never forgotten about it. He would obsesses and fret and probably refuse to go to that car park ever again.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/02/2017 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/02/2017 19:25

Sorry. Wrong thread!

ThoraGruntwhistle · 19/02/2017 19:25

She was being ridiculous to expect you to get a small child out of the car to apologise for something that was a pure accident and caused no damage. She was just enraged and wanted someone smaller than her to bitch at.
You apologised, there was no mark on her car and you'll hopefully be hyper vigilant next time he's around an unlocked car. No harm done.

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 19:30

I don't think my kid with asd would pay any attention tbh, my nt child would probably be more upset. But I wouldn't have either of them apologise for something that was my fault.

FindoGask · 19/02/2017 19:33

People are so precious about their cars! Why drive around in something you don't want the tiniest scratch on! What do you expect - your own personal force-field?

You're not being unreasonable, OP. Your son didn't mean to hit the other car with the door, he knows now, and there wasn't even a mark anyway. Some of the replies on this thread are hilarious.

MontePulciana · 19/02/2017 19:37

She shouldn't have been so concerned with your parenting! It really wasn't her business. You are the responsible adult. Silly cow. I wouldn't have got my son out the car either! I personally am always parking either in huge parent spots or miles away from the shop. I can't bare sandwich parking anywhere for fear of accidents reversing out and manoeuvring. It's happened once recently so now I just park far and walk!

WaitrosePigeon · 19/02/2017 19:38

Regardless of the rights and wrongs.. my son is also 6 and there's no way I would make him get out and apologise. I would apologise profusely for him though, which you did, so non event really.

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 19:39

How is suggesting she supervises her child better wrong?!! I've had my side panels bashed three times by kids when I am actually in the car over 15 years- twice it has left a dint. Each time it was not the kids fault- it was the dopey adult wandering behind them doing nothing and not watching that caused it. Carry on being feckless and not giving a shiny shit about other peoples stuff! I have to say it was the same type of parent every single time- arrogant and very reluctant to acknowledge what their kid had just done.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 19:40

YANBU if you know for sure your child would not have been able to comprehend the situation and not been able to supply the 'I am sorry' as requested.

If he could have made he apology but you felt it was better to handle it away from the 'scene', then, IMHO, that was a bit unfair. This is because your child banged into the door, it was an accident, so it would be polite to say sorry.

Any child can learnt to be more careful and learn to take responsible for their actions, but only if they can comprehend what it is about, which you would know of your child better than any others.

It is not humiliating to say sorry when we do something wrong, even by accident. And I think children should not be afraid to say it was an accident.

My dd has autistic tendencies and finds it very hard to ever admit she has done anything wrong. She will lie about it, making it many times worse!

I really want her to understand that the consequences for saying sorry for an accident are much better than trying to cover up and pretend it was not her!

If the other woman had attempted to humiliate your child, you would have been well within your rights to bundle your child back into the car and ignore her.

An apology is not such a big deal; but only you know how capable your child is to comprehend what that was all about.

In terms of whose car it was - you said she was a friend of the driver (because she was in the passenger seat presumably). But you don't necessarily know if the car was her sister's, auntie perhaps even her daughter's car, and maybe the driver was timid and afraid of confrontation so she was sticking up for her friend. If you think of it in that way it does make more sense than her just randomly pitching in.

Anyway, I am sure all is fine now. I cringe in car parks and shout 'open the door' carefully as I am afraid of just this! So on balance you choose to handle it your way and that is OK.

kali110 · 19/02/2017 19:42

I don't think yabu for not making your child apologise. You apologised for it.
I think you shouldn't let him get into cars by himself though.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 19:46

So Thinnestofthinice you're giving me a hard time because other people have damaged your car? Am I to assume that you consider my actions to be "feckless, arrogant" and indicative of my "not giving a shiny shite" because i didnt get my child out of the car, as demanded? Seriously?

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 19/02/2017 19:50

Am I alone in being mildly amused that the posters who are excoriating OP for not having 100% foresight and ability to predict her child's every move, leading to an incident for which she apologised, are mostly the same posters who are too fucking rude not bothering to read OP's posts before airing their terribly important views?

OP, you handled the situation fine. These sorts of situations happen - they are annoying and goodness knows I've had my share of scratches and dents, but I'm able to keep them in proportion. Most importantly, how you deal with your child afterwards is entirely your business. She was out of line,and rude.

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 19:51

Not the fact you didn't get your child out- I can understand that to a degree. It's the fact you have left your child with sensory issues aged 6 to run up to the side of your car, bash the door into another and still think the woman and everyone else is out of order for getting annoyed that is the problem.

LFWarrior · 19/02/2017 19:54

You did the right thing. A 6 year old with sensory issues enthusiastically getting into the car and not marking another car whilst doing that doesn't need dragged out and made to apologise. A gentle word at home (which you did) and an apology on his behalf (which you did) was fine. x

JassyRadlett · 19/02/2017 19:54

It's the fact you have left your child with sensory issues aged 6 to run up to the side of your car, bash the door into another and still think the woman and everyone else is out of order for getting annoyed that is the problem

Interesting fictionalisation! 'Bash' is embellishment, and I can't quite see where OP has suggested anywhere that the woman was out of order for being annoyed.

Thinking the woman is out of order for demanding OP get her child out of the car when she has already explained how she'll address the issue is quite a different thing, don't you agree?

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 19:56

so did the door gently rest on the other car then? Hmmm. My child is not an angel but there is no way I'd allow this to happen- it's totally unnecessary if you respect other people's things.

Katy07 · 19/02/2017 19:57

What was there to apologise for if there was no damage?
Because if you've done something that could have damaged another person or their property it's manners to apologise. If you bump into someone as you walk down the road you apologise (I hope) even though you've not knocked them to the ground and caused them to break a hip....
To be honest it doesn't sound from the OP's first post that she apologised profusely straight away which would have defused the issue - surely no reasonable person would insist on a child getting out of the car if their mother had sincerely apologised? But I could be wrong.

notgivingin789 · 19/02/2017 19:57

Some people are self righteous on here at this time of night Hmm.

Thinnestofthinice · 19/02/2017 20:05

Ok I'll let my kid bang our car doors into everyone else's cars they have grafted for as I can't be arsed to open the door for her and guide her in... arrogant and rude behavior. To be honest OP I'd be plain embarrassed about what had happened, not going on here and asking for justification for my actions as someone was pissed off at a situation I'd caused.

JassyRadlett · 19/02/2017 20:11

so did the door gently rest on the other car then? Hmmm.

Neither of us know, but only one of us has decided that we do. Smile

My child is not an angel but there is no way I'd allow this to happen- it's totally unnecessary if you respect other people's things.

Always a pleasure to meet a parent who never makes mistakes or has never called a situation wrong, and whose children have never done anything unexpected that they've never done before. There are surprisingly many of you online. I rarely meet you out and about though....

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 20:11

Thinnest, now youre deciding that im arrogant, rude and simply cant be arsed! That's some heavy duty projection there! Did you absorb the "no damage" bit or doesnt that suit your fictitious narrative? Well done that your non-disabled child might behave differently to mine. Bravo. Im sure that must be down to your excellent parenting...

OP posts:
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