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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 04/02/2017 23:00

I totally get this .. Dh is also a regulad church goer. I think you just have to leave it though. Religion is important to him.

Do stuff like online shopping etc. But he needs to step up other than that. Church is only an hour max. I don't think I would drnh that or begrudge it

user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 23:01

go with him? Its surely quite a short spell of time, and there are worse places he could be going!

twattymctwatterson · 04/02/2017 23:01

Surely it can't be more than an hour out of the day though?

GallivantingWildebeest · 04/02/2017 23:01

Church is an hour a week. Doesn't seem unreasonable.

You can do online shopping and get food delivered.

Sounds like you're objecting to him going to church rather than having time to himself.

HerculesMulligan · 04/02/2017 23:02

This thread feels familiar. Have you asked this question before, OP?

Northernlurker · 04/02/2017 23:02

If he wants to attend church every week then he clearly does have an active faith. It appears he doesn't want to talk to you about it which isn't a great sign for your marriage TBH. You absolutely cannot expect him to put shopping or domestic tasks above religious observance. If you want to do things together, try going with him.

Ragwort · 04/02/2017 23:02

I think you sound quite controlling, I nearly always go to church on Sundays and have done throughout our married life; I can't imagine my DH asking me not to - just as I wouldn't dream of asking him to give up something he enjoys doing.

People need time and space in their lives when they aren't just parents or spouse - it sounds as though you don't have any particular interests of your own .......... and assume that your DH should spend all his spare time with you and the DC. If your children are old enough to have made the decision that they don't believe in God and don't want to go to Church then presumably they are not babies that need constant care/supervision.

Floggingmolly · 04/02/2017 23:03

How long is the service?? You're only dragging complaining children around the shops because you said they didn't have to go to Sunday school...
Yes, yabu

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 23:05

YABU. Sooooo unreasonable I can't believe you're serious.

And I'm an unrepentant lapsed Catholic heathen.

TheColourIsZebra · 04/02/2017 23:05

Yabu. Very. It can't be more than an hour or so and it's clearly important to him.

PickAChew · 04/02/2017 23:05

Just don't go.

It;s hypocritical going if it's not meaningful to you, anyhow - and the kids have made up their minds that they don't want to be there.

If church is "just" an hour a day, then he has a good 13 other hours of Sunday to spend with his family.

early30smum · 04/02/2017 23:06

Totally sympathise. DH wants to take the kids every week too. The eldest has started to resist it. I don't begrudge him having time to himself, it's not that, it's that he makes me feel bad for not going, and we can never plan anything as a family for a Sunday unless I insist. Also church for him is not just an hour. It's getting there, the service, socialising afterwards etc. I don't know what to suggest OP. I know lots of people will say we ABU. I get that religion is important to my DH and I want to support him in this, but I don't want to be made guilty for not going, and also I don't want to be made to feel guilty for wanting DH to join in family time.... really tough one.

quarkinstockcubes · 04/02/2017 23:07

You do sound quite controlling, you don't mind him going when you feel it is ok. Do people really do stuff first thing on a Sunday morning anyway? Supermarkets are not even open until the afternoon. I honestly.don't see what the problem is.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 04/02/2017 23:08

YDNBU IMO. I understand what you mean. Church is not obligatory. But then you feel bad for asking them to consider you because it's a faith that's close to their heart.

I grew up with a mother who put church before everything prioritised church over things she perhaps shouldn't like us.

Remind him that not going to church once a month wont make him a bad person. I lost a friend who was a christian at Christmas. She'd been housebound the last six months. I don't think God has a "nope. Not you" reponse for anyone that's missed a day.

early30smum · 04/02/2017 23:09

However I agree that you don't need to make the time when DH is at church the time to do shopping etc.

AllotmentyPlenty · 04/02/2017 23:09

My husband likes to go to church every week. He values the meditative aspect and the community. He likes the music and the sermons (which are often quite challenging and political). He now has really good friends who he really enjoys seeing and talking to. I would never stand in his way and I don't think he would enjoy being pressured to miss every second week.

TroysMammy · 04/02/2017 23:10

You say he goes to church because he feels a better person having done so. I'm not religious and don't go to church but do kind things for people and I don't tell people I feel a better person about my good deeds.

Anyway a partnership is about give and take and unless you disagree with the religion your DH follows I think you should just go as it's only one hour, once a week.

AlwaysaNortherner · 04/02/2017 23:10

I find going to church is actually important to my mental health (as well as believing in Christianity). If I don't go I am more likely to get stressed out or down during the week.
Have a lie in / a nice extravagant breakfast and then have family time when he gets home?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/02/2017 23:11

Yabu.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 04/02/2017 23:11

I think you've got all of Saturday as a family and most of Sunday bar 10-12 maybe? So yabu

AllotmentyPlenty · 04/02/2017 23:11

Alwaysanortherner I think you probably just summed up how my husband feels about it.

lalalalyra · 04/02/2017 23:12

Hmm I'm not sure you are being reasonable. How long does it take? If the church is a few minutes away and you are talking about an hour or so in the morning you are being unreasonable. If it turns into 3/4 hours [my Grandad always went early to put out hymn books then stayed late to collect them in, have tea with the church elders etc] in the middle of the day which means you can't really go anywhere as a family then not unreasonable.

Waterfeature · 04/02/2017 23:12

YABU. It's only a couple of hours in total, max.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 04/02/2017 23:12

I've heard it all now.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:12

No I haven't posted about this before.
The service usually takes an hour and a half but by the time he's got there and back it's lunchtime.
I do the big food shop in the week, it's only when we run out of stuff for Monday school lunches etc that I need to pop out.
As I said, I don't have a problem with him being religious. We did go as a family when kids were smaller, but I am not a believer and wouldn't class that as family time Grin.
As I said, it's not the fact that he goes, it's that he wants to prioritise it over the little family time we have when he is actually here. He can go to services while he works away, so he's not being deprived then either...

OP posts:
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