Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 21:09

Thanks apple, can honestly say that it doesn't appear to make a difference, he will see anything as a personal attack or making him feel guilty, apparently

OP posts:
AppleAndBlackberry · 07/02/2017 21:18

Sounds hard going Fritz. Flowers

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 21:29

Thx. Sorry, this seems to have turned into a personal overall vent now! Not originally intended.

OP posts:
JamieXeed74 · 07/02/2017 21:51

Have you considered talking to his priest, explain how he is neglecting his family and is watching porn. His priest might actually be on your side and have some suggestions how you could get you DH to be less of a knob.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 22:30

Jamie we moved to a new area recently. There is no one to speak to really yet. The odd thing is that for all he has just said that he can't believe I don't see how big/important his religion and church is in his life, on many occasions he has said how he disagrees with the vicar/sermon/view of the church etc. Seems incompatible to me. Unless he is just picking bits which agree with his personal beliefs. In which case, I don't really think he would take their opinion on board if it conflicted with his own. After lots of argument and grief (on my part) over various things over the years, he has sometimes said he can understand my point of view (eg porn) but I get the impression he doesn't really mean it deep down iyswim. Especially when he goes back on his word. Maybe he does, but why does it always take an argument for us to get to that point?
I have (I feel) been pretty accommodating over the years. Let's face it, if he had told me when we met that he treated porn watching as a normal thing, would be away a great proportion of the time with an interesting job, and have a wandering eye at some point in the relationship, while I stayed home with the kids, I would have run a mile.

OP posts:
JamieXeed74 · 07/02/2017 23:12

What happen if you started taking your DC out for fun full day trips on Sunday and left him with a list of chores. Would he feel left out? Maybe it would help him see your pov?

Blueink · 07/02/2017 23:20

Seek some professional support if you think, despite his behaviour, he is committed to your relationship and family life. Otherwise it's never too late, run a mile.

DelphineCormier · 07/02/2017 23:21

Hang on, so he's Christian AND he watches porn? In my branch of Christianity the two aren't exactly compatible!

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 23:26

I really don't think that would be a problem for him, he'd whizz round doing a half arsed job (I know that sounds like I'm just being nasty, but it's true most of the time) then spend the rest of the time doing his own thing. He'd love it. Not sure what poverty you think this would demonstrate?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 23:26

Grrr, pov not poverty!

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 07/02/2017 23:27

delphine yes, I would have thought that... Hmm

OP posts:
DelphineCormier · 07/02/2017 23:44

I'm Orthodox Christian and we are renowned for being stricter in our faith than other branches, but I still would be really, really surprised if other mainstream churches condoned porn...

Blueink · 07/02/2017 23:53

They are not incompatible in that all the behaviours you mention allow him to escape from your relationship and family life. He probably is feeling guilty hence his reaction when you draw attention. However, him going to church is not the big issue, focussing on it will not help. Has it helped you so far? It's blinkering you from the bigger picture. You have been the proverbial frog being heated slowly. Confront the communication breakdown between the two of you and get whatever support you need, which likely is professional help at this point. Or jump out the boiling pot. Not saying either option is easy. Just a chance at something better. Good luck OP.

YourEmailInboxIsFull · 07/02/2017 23:54

I commented right at the beginning and thought you were getting a hard time then, and it's continued (wtf, why do people not RTFT?! 😡)

Have continued reading, it just occurred to me, you DH read some of this thread before, could he still be reading it now??

Wouldn't be a bad thing if he was. He could potentially see how unreasonable he was being with regards to your partnership / marriage (aside from the Church attendance which is small compared to the other things).

Hugs fritz, you're in a naff position 💐

Having invested time in the thread, you have been randomly on my mind today (I don't often delve into AIBU as I worry too much about other peoples problems); but being a Christian myself, I will continue to pray that a resolution comes quickly for you and your husband that suits you all 💐💐

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 08/02/2017 00:05

blue your boiling frog analogy does sound apt!Smile
youremail thank you for your prayers Smile. Yes, he may still be reading, I'm past the point of caring tbh. When he mentioned having read it before I said it was interesting that most of the ppl who thought iwbu were religious themselves. He said that was untrue, and that I read into it what I wanted to hear. And walked off with a smug look on his face, as if he had been vindicated in some way. And that's what I'm trying to compromise on life with. He's always right. Slept in the spare room that night, before I went I said something to him, was actually quoting his words. And he said that wasn't what he said. Happens a lot.

OP posts:
vic1981 · 08/02/2017 00:18

Seriously, the guy sounds like a shit...

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 08/02/2017 00:27

Confused he does have his redeeming features, though the increasing friction and attitude makes me forget that at times. I've told him to post his side (honestly, including the crappy past behaviour) to see opinions, but I don't think he has. Would be interesting though, as I know I'm not perfect and would no doubt have a lot of food for thought.

OP posts:
Velvian · 08/02/2017 06:53

He's obviously far too important to have to listen to you, op.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 08/02/2017 07:14

Yeah, beginning to seem that way.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 08/02/2017 09:57

Fritz
I do get the feeling you are never going to be listened to. He is far too important to consider anyone else's pov.

I think you have a hard choice ahead of you. You have proved that you can do it all on your own, you really dont need him putting you down every time you have an opinion that doesnt agree with his.

I would let him jog off and stay at work full time and he can have his 'exciting' job and his social life and maybe fit in some church when he has nothing else to do. I dont think for a minute he is committed to religion its just another 'I am important' issue.

Its better to be on your own than to have someone who has no respect for you or the huge sacrifices you have made to accomodate him. But only you can decide whats best for you. Flowers

Rumeameke1978 · 08/02/2017 23:39

Why do you say it's a hobby? Just curious. Would you say the same about Islam or Jewish faith?

WankersHacksandThieves · 08/02/2017 23:48

I would say all religion is a hobby/interest. Much like history or ghost chasing or train spotting.

If I was feeling less kind I'd refer to it as a mental illness.

TowerRavenSeven · 08/02/2017 23:58

Yabu but I know that it can be a pain in the arse. Dh never grew up with any religion and decided to do a bible study class Tuesday nights. Ds was a baby, and dh had something work related Monday nights as well, so saw ds Sunday night before ds went to bed, had his work thing Monday night, had his bible class Tuesday night so wouldn't see ds until a Wednesday night!!

Being a sham then I didn't have a baby break from Sunday night until Wednesday night and I really resented dh and his bible study! Fortunately I switched from Catholic to Episcopalian and we all started going as a family. Much easier.

I also get it where it isn't just an hour. Ours is 15 minutes there, hour & a half service, social & 15 minutes back, more like at least 2.5 hours.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/02/2017 00:39

TowerRaven have you taken on board the dh kisses his dc goodnight in January and doesn't see his family again till October. A bit more than a couple of nights per week

Willow2016 · 09/02/2017 11:07

Rumeameke1978

Maybe because if he is away at work and something better comes up he drops it like a hot potatoe to go enjoy himself?