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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 05/02/2017 00:10

Does your husband take the sacrament whilst at mass, OP? Not sure what denomination he belongs to.

AndNowItsSeven · 05/02/2017 00:11

Church isn't a " personal interest"
He isn't playing golf. Yabu.

Dabisadancemove · 05/02/2017 00:12

Sorry....relegated not delegated

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2017 00:14

I don't think YANBU at all OP.

Firstly because of the limited family time. You say that you have jointly decided that the DC (and you?) do no regular activities at the weekend (you are also unable to commit to any during the week). Yet he does have a regular 'me time' activity at the weekend.

I think you need to discuss that again, perhaps considering the idea that any or all of you could commit to regular Sunday morning activities. The problem will be that you end up doing all the ferrying about for DC activities, so they'd need to do something compatible and you may find yourself sitting beside a football field instead of at home, which might not seem an improvement.

Secondly because, to quote a poster on p.1 ' People need time and space in their lives when they aren't just parents or spouse'. You need this too. Where's your half day 'me time' activity? Your opportunity for contemplation, community-feeling and spiritual renewal? How you achieve that is up to you of course.

You can't do this during the week. You could, as he does, demand your own half day every weekend that he's home, couldn't you. (Of course he gets this and presumably more time off to himself while he's working away too. In fact he must get a huge amount of time - probably more than he wants - when he isn't 'just a spouse or a parent'. You don't, so perhaps you're owed more when he's here). You'd really need to make yours Sunday afternoon or evening though, so there's still a full day left for any day trips as a family. Does your preferred activity run / can it be done at that time?

But, if you take half a day each and perhaps spend each others' half facilitating activities for the DC, that leaves only one day of the weekend all together. That isn't much if it's only on a handful of weekends a year.

I think that getting time to oneself and an opportunity for contemplation, prayer, reading, whatever one wishes, is important but, that can be done alone, flexibly, at times that fit in around family life. Yes, the sense of community that church attendance provides is different from this and enjoyable but it's not essential to maintaining faith to attend every week (for most churches, most people).

I do think that declaring half a day of each weekend as his own 'me time', without discussion, is selfish and inconsiderate. Just the same as it would be if his chosen activity was a sport, pub-going, or anything else.

I also think you should look into getting a regular babysitter, so you can go out one evening a week, every week.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2017 00:16

Argh, I don't think yabu, I think YANBU, I mean!

shinynewusername · 05/02/2017 00:22

Church isn't a " personal interest" He isn't playing golf. Yabu

Take note, male Mumsnetters: despite 10 million threads to the contrary, it appears you are allowed to 'check out of family life' if you have a pass from the magic sky pixies.

All other men: as you were Wink

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2017 00:25

aggghhhh, difficult one.

attending church is important to those who follow the faith.
family is important too. and yes it would be a different thread if it were golf or football.

does it have to be this church and this service? (they are all different styles and all different timings. ) if he has been going a while I could see why he does not want to swap. but an earlier service where he is home for 10.30 ish may help. maybe he could alternate the early service with the current service. or find a lunchtime service close to work everyother week.

It is very difficult when partners follow different belief systems and making it work requires compromise on both sides.

MargaretCavendish · 05/02/2017 00:26

I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't).

I mean, you absolutely were. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it (I can see both sides; I also suspect there is an earlier service he could go to which would then mean he was back much earlier), you definitely were trying to make him feel guilty!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2017 00:33

Really? If I say to DP that I don't want him to do something, it's because I don't want him to do it, not because I want him to do it while feeling guilty.

Where we go from there is a discussion, arriving at some sort of agreement or understanding, not a unilateral declaration.

courtwood · 05/02/2017 00:34

Its hard to explain one's faith to those who don't have one,it's not a hobby or an interest,it's something that is part of one's makeup and personality. Your dh obviously has strong faith of he attends church every week .There's a sense of wellbeing and personal peace one gets from church, somehow Sunday is not right without an hour at prayer and contemplation at service (or my case ,mass)
That said ,yanbu to ask him to go to a earlier or shorter service elsewhere if its taking up a half day.

blowmybarnacles · 05/02/2017 00:36

Yanbu, you have so little family time. What is he avoiding?

Maybe its family time he is avoiding, he is so unused to it, he doesn't enjoy it, doesn't know how to just be with his own family.

Tell him to do his communicating with god outside precious family time.

haveacupoftea · 05/02/2017 00:37

Erm, i'm not sure. Religion is quite a big part of some people's lives - not mine, but I can see how he is in a difficult position trying to balance faith, work and family.

Can you not come to an agreement that every Sunday afternoon after church you'll spend quality time together as a family?

And yeah perhaps its not fair that he has a regular activity he has committed to, but its not like you didnt know he was a regular church goer when you decided to have kids together.

OlennasWimple · 05/02/2017 00:37

Well, quite @ConferencePear!!

OP, I understand your frustration, and in your shoes I would probably feel the same. But I don't think that you can reasonably ask your DH not to practice his faith. You could, however, ask him to explore going to an earlier / later service that wouldn't eat up so much of the day (and to come back home rather than stay and socialise for ages afterwards, if he does that). You also need to look at what you can do for you: get a sitter and do a regular exercise class, or pottery course or something.

blowmybarnacles · 05/02/2017 00:40

Oh, and Church is a personal interest when nobody else in the family partakes.

MommaGee · 05/02/2017 00:41

Tbh of he has going children and is awayfpr 9 months of the year I think he needs to male choices beyond the scope of where and when he worships, especially as it sounds like the career started after the kids. I'd be unhappy about more than Sunday morning

MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 00:44

YABU its important to him.

MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 00:46

and i agree with pp in saying that its not a hobby its a faith. That is very different. Im agnostic but i get that religion is very important to some people. Its not like a sport or evening singing class, its integral to their life.

notangelinajolie · 05/02/2017 00:49

It is not up to you! Seriously, is this even a marriage? Do you really tell him what he can and can't do? If the answer is yes, then you are controlling him. No wonder he wants to go to church - it's probably the only time he gets any peace.

anothermalteserplease · 05/02/2017 01:01

I do t know what his job is but I'm guessing if he's away for up to 9 months at a time it might be something that could be dangerous and stressful. In that case maybe he needs that weekly time at church when he's home to reflect and pray? Could you not all go and then have a family afternoon out together? Or if you really don't want to them look into swim lessons or something for the children near to the church. Then he could come meet you afterwards.

SarfEast1cated · 05/02/2017 01:05

Can he go to an evening service?

FritzDonovan · 05/02/2017 01:08

Thanks for your input everyone. I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty, as pp said, it was more from a place of trying to discuss, but we obv have differing ideas, as he must think the Saturday alone is always sufficient for family time. Whereas I don't, and am not sure why he doesn't feel the same.
I think there is some aspect of us experiencing family life differently. He is at a sociable work place, whereas I haven't found a job which fits in around children and him being away. While he's away he does have vast amounts of time to himself. Even if he can't chose exactly what he does with it, he's got quiet / 'me time', which I don't get when he's at church, as the kids are around and interacting. (And they behave just fine while out, thanks gilly. But grocery shopping is boring.)
I do agree we should discuss and come to some equitable agreement, I just find this hard when my interests are not as easy to accommodate, he naturally gets more time to himself, and he assumes I'm being a bitch when I try to start a discussion.
Thanks all, I'm leaving this for now, as he's just seen me on here and appears pissed off I've been talking about him. Can't win.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 01:11

God I wish people would RTFT.

He isnt particularly religious, not of one faith either, it isnt just 1 hour its all morning, every Sunday out of only 12 Sundays a year he spends at home!

missbishi · 05/02/2017 01:20

I did RTFT. Still can't work out how a man who attends church every Sunday "isn't particularly religious". And how is he "not of one faith"? Just because someone is a follower of one religion doesn't meant that they are forbidden to be interested in others.

Unless, of course, I missed the bit where OP says he spends too much time adjusting his yarmulke and cooking halal food.

babyboomersrock · 05/02/2017 01:29

Thanks all, I'm leaving this for now, as he's just seen me on here and appears pissed off I've been talking about him. Can't win

So this fine church-going man isn't learning tolerance from his religion, OP? What a surprise. He's allowed to do what he likes, but you're not allowed to complain, even on here.

Take care Flowers

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/02/2017 01:29

OP how old are your DC?