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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
SuperSheepdog · 05/02/2017 05:49

Yabu. Poor guy. Why don't you go with him and head out for lunch/a walk in the walk some family time afterwards.

OP it seems like you've decided how religious he's allowed to be. He's not pressurising you to attend church but obviously it's very important to him.

TataEs · 05/02/2017 05:51

i think it's unreasonable for him to go every sunday.
if it takes until lunch it disrupts the whole day. it's not like he's nipping out 8-9:30 and back to start the day with his family.
i think a saturday evening service could be a compromise. or every other week.
you go it alone for over half the weekends of the year. he needs to be more flexible to support you when at home imo.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 05:56

1. Its not a hobby or personal interest. Its his faith.

It's a hobby.

I could equally spend a morning making fairy villages at the bottom of the garden.
Same thing.

londonrach · 05/02/2017 06:04

Yabu. Going to church is important to some people as in your cass your dh. My fil likes to go. My mil potters around the house, has a long bath and when he returns they go out. Its only an 1 to 2 in a week.

picklemepopcorn · 05/02/2017 06:05

Church is maybe more important for men, because they can be more socially isolated than women and suffer mental health problems as a result. Many men have no relationships and friendships beyond their family. If they leave work, they don't keep up with old colleagues, etc.

I understand how church on Sunday morning can eat into the whole weekend, and it's not as easy as just going at a different time/place, because being part of a particular congregation is important. If he has found one which he likes, then he won't want to change.
Going to the supermarket eats into the weekend, too.
If Sunday mornings are spent hanging around in the house, getting a slow start and enjoying the relaxation, then I can see how he would think it is fine for him to go out.
I think you need to plan the weekend, work out the activities that you want to do, and see if church fits in. Usually it can, I think.

Most of us who go to church feel it helps us be a better person. Not better than other people, better than ourselves. He is probably a better husband and father as a result, despite the time out.

londonrach · 05/02/2017 06:06

Mindtrop. Its not a hobby! To my fil its part of him. Its deeper than that.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 06:10

london- it's a hobby.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 06:16

I don't get why it takes all morning. Services are usually about an hour.

And Grin at the people coming up with the "everyone would be really supportive of him if he was any other faith". That really is such rubbish!

SuperSheepdog · 05/02/2017 06:19

Mindtrope I'm not really a religious person but I wouldn't consider religion a 'hobby'. Would you say all religious activity is a hobby? Friday prayers for Muslims, synagogue for Jews etc?

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 06:24

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Bluntness100 · 05/02/2017 06:26

Another one of those

Op ,,,am I being unreasonable
Mumsnet...yes
Op,,,I, bloody am not.

Never know why people ask if they don't want to hear the answer.🙄

For me, you can't tell someone when they can go to church like that. I feel sorry for him.

charlestrenet · 05/02/2017 06:30

I can get why it takes all morning, if he's anything like my dad. As soon as you start going to church regularly, people start asking you to do things. Old Alf with his gippy hips can't get about so well, so it would be lovely if you could give him a lift there and back. And then he does like to have a cup of tea with us all, and you'd be more than welcome to join him and us after the service.

And we're a bit stuck for people to put out the hymnbooks at the moment ... oh thanks most awfully, you only need to get here half an hour early really and it's a quick job to put them back again ...

And so the precious weekend morning goes, but hey you're doing God's work. You're doing fuck all for your family, but you'll be a shoe-in for heaven.

ChillieJeanie · 05/02/2017 06:50

Realistically there may not be other options for services for him to attend. I presume he is going to communion? At the church my Mum attends, which is on the edge of a large town, there is a said communion at 8am on a Sunday morning (no hymns, no sermon) and the main Parish Communion (including hymns, choir, sermon) is at 10am. There are no services at all on a Saturday and the Sunday evening service is Evensong (no communion). There are morning and evening prayers in the week and two weekday communion services (11am on a Thursday and 7.30am on a Friday), although he wouldn't be able to attend those since he's working. There is another Anglican church nearby which alternates the Sunday evening service between Holy Communion and evening prayer, so if your nearby church/churches has something similar there's a possible option there. Otherwise it would be the 8am or, if he likes to hear a sermon, only the 10am on a Sunday morning.

That's assuming he's CofE, of course. The local Roman Catholic church has Mass at 10.30am and a Mass in Polish at 4.30pm on a Sunday, and a Saturday Vigil (which I understand is a Mass - not so familiar with the RC services) at 5.30pm. The Baptist Church's service is at 10.30am although they only have a communion once a month.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 06:53

Well, the difference between a Christian going to church and a Muslim praying, for example, is that praying is a requirement for a Muslim, but going to church isn't a requirement for a Christian.

But the solution is obviously that the OPs partner finds an early service, and takes the car. So 9.00 service, back by 10.15. Or even 8.00, back by 9.15. Loads of day left.

londonrach · 05/02/2017 06:54

Mind. Its not a hobby. Would you tell a muslim going to a mosque its a hobby, would you tell a silk going to a temple its a hobby..to my fil going to church on a sunday is as important to him as eating and sleeping. Its part of him.

SabineUndine · 05/02/2017 06:59

I wouldn't call it a hobby but I think it's unreasonable he wants to spend every Sunday morning there. He could go to Evensong.

Bodicea · 05/02/2017 06:59

It doesn't make him a better person if it leaves his wife feeling like she has to do everything and having to do all the jobs. It makes him a selfish person. If it as all about he faith. He could go to an evening service or and early morning service. He clearly enjoys the social aspect of the main service.
His complete lack of compromise tells me he is being unreasonable.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:03

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EnormousTiger · 05/02/2017 07:04

We went every Sunday (Catholics). It's not a choice - it can be a religious obligation.

Has he looked at different times? We used to go to 8am mass as the girls wanted to be over it by 8.30am on the way to their weekend hobby or you can go on Sat. evening instead for 45 mins. In other words is he picking the longest service he possibly can at the most disrupting time of day for you when he could instead fit around you all by picking a very early or late time.
I haven't read all the thread to see if he's C of E but even if he is Evensong might not do as that is not the mass/eucharist but even so he could find a shorter service with communion where he is back home by 9am before any of you wake up for example.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:05

It's not a choice - it can be a religious obligation.

"Religious obligation " is a choice.

EnormousTiger · 05/02/2017 07:06

I am an atheist now so obviously I understand that point but if you believe in God and follow your religious rules I was just pointing out that it can be compulsory to go to church. Presumably she married him on the basis he had this religion and perhaps even agreed the children would go to church with him.

GreatScot8 · 05/02/2017 07:07

I'm a staunch atheist and I think YABU.

Church isn't an all day thing.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 07:08

It is no longer a religious obligation for Roman Catholics to receive communion weekly or on Sundays.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 07:10

Would you tell a muslim going to a mosque its a hobby, would you tell a silk going to a temple its a hobby"

If it wasn't a requirement of their faith then yes, it is a "hobby" equivalent.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:10

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