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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
worridmum · 05/02/2017 01:30

the amount of comments on here are a pisstake tbh if this was a jewish thing or a muslim thing people would say of course his religon was important etc but because its chirstians thing its rediculus etc....

We had to change a very important meeting because it was due for a monday and a jewish person could come (not allowed to travel on a friday) and it was set for the friday pray for muslims (even though these things are ridculus why should reglion come before normal 9-5 working hours is beyond me) we have to work around this

worridmum · 05/02/2017 01:30

*changed from a friday to a monday sorry on phone

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 01:36

OP said he's not intensely religious He has an interest in other religions

Its still him taking time out for himself from family time for basically 6 days out of only 12 he has free a year.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 05/02/2017 01:37

I rarely say this but I think you're being a tad unreasonable.

Where exactly does he travel to to go to church? You can ask him to go somewhere local if you've got the same denominational church nearby, but should he have no other option then I feel he travels where he has too.

At most I'd say he'd be out of the house 90 minutes, it used to be a family occasion until DC's said I don't believe. Maybe this helps him deal with the pressures of work?

There's nothing I loathe more than an OH saying, oh you get to go to church/regular club/see friends, but I never go anywhere. There's possibly nothing more he'd love than for you guys to be by his side. It's not his fault the DC's have no faith, plus you don't want to go.

It's one op them things that you have to go later in the day for top up shopping. In his mind nothing is likely comparable or more worthwhile going to church. Because he shoes an interest in other religions, doubtfully mean he's going to change into a Muslim, Hindu or Jewish person anytime soon. He just likely respects those with a belief system.

It does sound like he has a rough time with work, this affords you to be a stay at home Mum, I think realistically you need to let it go, or think about joining him. My DH has no faith and used to come to church with me all the time, I don't know what he got out of it, but when I didn't feel like going, he'd always encourage me that it was best for DC's, they did learn a lot behaviour wise going to church. The sweetest thing ever was DS telling his newborn sister to shush, you has to be quiet. (Before creating his own obstacle course with kneelers.

I don't think what I've posted overly helps because I don't agree with you. But hopefully you can see 90 minutes out of his business working week to go to church, then travel to and from is nothing. If he was instead going to the pub every Fri/Sat I would agree with you, but faith is a very personal thing.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 05/02/2017 01:40

I wouldn't class going to church as 'me time' it's not like he's partying or playing sports, he's off to church.

Brokenbiscuit · 05/02/2017 01:43

How old are the children, OP? Sounds like you have at least one pre schooler, which is stressful.I appreciate that the older one(s) may not want to go any more, but surely he could take the little one, and then you would have a bit more peace on Sunday mornings. Or could you put the little one into nursery for a couple of mornings a week so that you get a bit of free time for yourself?

What is it that you want to do in your family time by the way? You say that it only leaves a few Saturdays each year, but surely you could squeeze quite a lot into Sunday afternoons if you chose to.

I'm afraid I think it's unreasonable to ask him to go every other week. My DH is away a lot, but that doesn't mean that he owes us every waking hour when he is at home.

shinynewusername · 05/02/2017 01:45

If he is so committed to his faith, surely he can find an evening or early morning service?

The OP does all the domestic and child care for 341 days of the year. I can't believe that people are saying she is BU for not wanting her DH to bugger off for a quarter of the remaining 24 days. What about their poor DC who might actually want some time with the DF they never see during the week?

I bet most priests would tell him that his duty lay at home - most mainstream religions are extremely clear that religious observance should not be used as an excuse to duck other obligations. Mark 2.27

Miffer · 05/02/2017 01:45

Sounds like the job is the problem not the church.

womblewomble · 05/02/2017 02:19

We had to change a very important meeting because it was due for a monday and a jewish person could come (not allowed to travel on a friday) and it was set for the friday pray for muslims (even though these things are ridculus why should reglion come before normal 9-5 working hours is beyond me) we have to work around this

This is an employment tribunal waiting to happen...

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 02:45

YABVU. Let him have his expression of faith, it must mean something to him. If you want to be together, go with him.

You've mentioned you are a stay at home mum and have done that to fit in with his career, and it slightly comes across that you resent this and also seem to resent the amount he works. If you've given up your career and did not want to, then I feel this is a shame. But by the same token I would have loved to be a stay at home mum, but we just could not afford it and so I worked part-time, and still do.

If you made the choice it just doesn't seem fair to resent what he does with a portion of the weekend.

I really rarely say an OP is being unreasonable. And maybe I am influenced by the fact I am a Christian and go to church but I do think it is only fair to allow people their religious observances. I know it is hard if a person was not religious when you met.

I agree with SingingInTheRainstorm " There's possibly nothing more he'd love than for you guys to be by his side. It's not his fault the DC's have no faith, plus you don't want to go."

If you feel you both do not get enough time together maybe you need to re-think the work aspect of life IMHO. I really think the shopping thing is irrelevant and work seems to be a much bigger time-taker than church.

Anyway, hope you can work things out.

YourEmailInboxIsFull · 05/02/2017 03:25

OP you are getting a hard time on here and I can see both points of view.

The main thing is you need to strike up another conversation about how him attending Church is making you feel.

But, I want to pick up on this "family time" obsession that a lot of mumsnet seem to have.

I'm all for spending time with my family over the weekend - we all work hard and to spend some quality time together is great. But you know what? Spending time on your own is also great and very much required.

For example, in our family, DH likes his Sunday morning football on - he rarely watches TV and that's his thing he likes to do. We also organise our time to do stuff individually eg I might go to the beauticians, to gym, of run a few errands without DC; DH might meet a friend for coffee, go for a run, do some work; and DC havd there individual time too - homework, or reading, film, get the Lego out for an hour.

My point is that family time isn't always about doing stuff together. The weekend time is precious but it's finding the balance that you're all happy with: you time, his time, both of you time and family time.

The other point I wanted to make was that his attendance at Church will likely be more of a big deal than potentially he is making out to you.

I am a Christian, my Dh is not. I don't rub it in his face that I am but I also don't hide it. I don't put pressure on myself to go to Church every week, but when I don't go, I can tell the difference in my own health and wellbeing. At the same time, I do appreciate it is half a day of the weekend, so I tie that in with taking DC with me, whether they want to go or not. There's plenty for them to do whilst they are there and our Church isn't strict with what you can / can't do, so it the iPad comes out, then so be it. Because the flip side is that Dh gets Sunday morning to do his things (plus errands / housework etc) without DC about. My point here is that my faith and belief in God is at the centre of what I do each day and each week. Living with an athiest / no believer is difficult - your view points differ and he will potentially reluctant to tell you about it.

You need to find a balance; he needs to see that you're more getting "me" or "couple" time and you need to appreciate he has a faith that he is invested in and wishes to continue to nurture.

Some of the generalised comments on here about Christianity are unfortunate. As others have said, it's a shame we don't have the same tolerance for Christianity as we would other faiths. Sunday is the Sabbath day for me, we don't do a fat lot in general on Sunday's, and that's because we rest from the hectic 6 days we've had leading up to it! Despite living with a non believer, DH quite likes the 'do nothing' approach we've adopted - which normally involves some sort of walk after church, lazy dinner, and a film for us all to watch.

Hope it works out for you OP.

deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 03:49

YADNBU and I'm surprised at a lot of these responses.

My DH works away a lot too- not as much as yours, but enough. It's exhausting and relentless looking after young kids on your own all week without adult support or company and if he is often away at the weekends too, this makes it really hard. When my DH is back after a long trip I am usually exhausted and ready for a break from the kids and would be really miffed if he wanted to be out for the whole of a weekend morning every week. The "Christian" thing to do in this situation would be for him to offer to take the kids and let you have a break IMO. Or for him to step up and spend the time with his family.

JemimaMuddledUp · 05/02/2017 04:04

YABU.

Church services are usually around an hour. I doubt he travels that far to church, so even including that you are talking about two hours tops.

It sounds as though his job is quite intense. I find church quite grounding in an otherwise hectic world, maybe he does too?

If you don't work other than occasionally during the week do you need to do top up shops at the weekend? Couldn't you manage two days without?

I understand not forcing the DC to go if they don't want to. But don't try to force him not to go.

PenelopeFlintstone · 05/02/2017 04:23

Not rtwt, but has anyone else suggested he go to church and do the top-up shop on the way home?

SantasTipsyHelper · 05/02/2017 04:25

I can see where you're coming from, but I wouldn't ask him to not go.

I would get on with what you and the kids want to do on a Sunday, don't make the mistake of waiting around for him. If he misses out, so be it, he should understand this. Make time for yourself at the weekend when he can look after the kids. Also allow the kids to do their activities at the weekend. You and the kids are prioritising family time and he is prioritising faith. I get that faith is a top priority, but you do not have to go to church to have faith and practice it.

I'm an atheist and my DH is muslim. He swings from not even attending jummuah (Friday lunchtime congregational prayers), to praying 5 times per day at the mosque[
Angry. I've never asked him not to go, but I have made it clear it may be his faith but it is still something he is doing for himself, as I was getting very annoyed with him when he kept disappearing to the mosque several times a day to up to a couple of hours at a time. This was when I was struggling with new baby.

I accept his faith and he accepts my lack of faith. Now I'm back at work, he is sahd, so can't go to the mosque during weekdays as dd is too young.

Araminta99 · 05/02/2017 04:31

YABU. Going to church is not comparable to sports or a hobby. Having a faith is an integral part of who you are, and more important than anything else. Wouldn't having a happy, contented husband be worth one hour a week apart? You don't sound as if you respect him very much.

Cheby · 05/02/2017 04:36

YANBU. He's home for 12 weekends a year, he gets an absolute tonne of time to himself while he's away and he prioritises even more time on his own pursuing a personal interest when he's back.

OP can not make any regular commitments for personal time herself because of his career, and she has given up her career to support his. He's a selfish dick. Why is church anymore important than any other hobby? Its a personal choice about how to spend your time, just like everything else.

charlestrenet · 05/02/2017 04:42

I think yanbu and it's quite telling that most of the posts saying you are are from people who go to church themselves.

I grew up with a very religious father who still thinks he'll go to hell if he misses a mass and tbh it just inconveniences everyone - hanging around waiting to go out till he got back and then ate breakfast (he would fast before), the first day of every holiday spent finding a church and what time the service was even when we were abroad and he couldn't understand a fucking word they were saying, him out helping to raise money for the church at some goddamn barn dance or whatever while my mum was left looking after us etc etc etc. It's a pain in the arse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2017 04:55

It sounds as if your life has changed massively since having children. This obviously happens to us all and most of us don't have our dh away for at least half a year, which must be pretty tough. You have accommodated him loads op. I'd be really pissed off in your position. If he were around every weekend that would be different. But he isn't. So every minute is precious. I think you need to start asking for what you want and trying to make this about how you function as a family. Not about what he wants vs what you want.

As for the top up shop. I don't know if your dcs are at school, but I'd be doing it on a Friday. Or getting food deliveries.

peukpokicuzo · 05/02/2017 05:08

Going to church isn't a hobby, and yabu because you are treating it like it is.

However it would be reasonable to ask him to find a church with an earlier start time for the Sunday service (eg the church I went to in a previous town I lived in had the main service at 9:15 which was over by 10:30). You can have a lazy-ish morning at home early on and still get to the point that all the rest of the family is dressed and available for family time by 10:45 (tbh on non church days it can be that sort of time before we are sorted)

Book a weekly supermarket delivery for Friday which includes all the packed lunch stuff so that you don't need any top up shopping over the weekend and don't waste any potential family time - then your weekday shop becomes the "top up"

MudCity · 05/02/2017 05:18

YABU. If you are unhappy with the lack of quality time you get as a family then discuss and review that in terms of work arrangements and other time you might have available (Saturdays? Sunday afternoons?} Don't make Church or faith the focus of your argument because that is unreasonable.

Take steps to find interests of your own or a job you might be able to do that fits around child care. Don't begrudge him wanting to go to Church though because that will get you very little understanding or support.

I can understand you are envious of his career but, at some point, when you decided to have children, this is the life you chose. If you don't like it then review it and choose differently.

YourEmailInboxIsFull · 05/02/2017 05:19

I think yanbu and it's quite telling that most of the posts saying you are are from people who go to church themselves

I disagree - you'll find that the ones who go to church are the ones who have offered a different perspective and solutions to help the OP and said they see both sides.

derxa · 05/02/2017 05:21

Family time Hmm

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 05:37

Going to church isn't a hobby, and yabu because you are treating it like it is.

Of course it's a hobby.

I go to the gym regularly, but I don't go at the weekend. Weekdays are busy, everyone works or goes to school, activities 5 days a week, OH often away, so weekend time is precious, even if just catching up with chores/shopping/spending time together.

MaisyPops · 05/02/2017 05:46
  1. Its not a hobby or personal interest. Its his faith.
  2. Half a day isn't the end of the world.
  3. You focus on how much 'alone time' he gets working away. Working away is also draining but sure, just assume his life is so easy.
  4. You sound resentful of the fact that he has work etc and yourr a SAHM. Get yourself to groups, teach yourself a skill, make a circle of friends, volunteer instead of having a pity party. Or, go back to work full time and hire childcare (thougg i inagine you'll do what lots of sahm do ehich is say none of this is possible because you basically have a full time job).
  5. You only have the children on a sunday morning because you said iy was fine for them not to attend church. And now lack of family involvement is your major reason for calling this a personal interest.
  6. I get you want to have family time, but you'rr going about it the wrong way and come across as controlling.
  7. If most of the issues here stem from him working away, would it be possible to relocate? Or him get a new job?
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