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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 04/02/2017 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 04/02/2017 23:13

Surely it can't be more than an hour out of the day though?

Ha. twatty my Mums Sunday service starts at 8:30 (she helps set up for Sunday school). Then she's a Sunday school supervised. Then they have their service, starts at 10:30am...and they don't finish the songs / service / sit around gossiping with a tea and biscuits until the Minister decides they'd quite like their roast dinner now,usually around 2pm.

That's half a day gone just there.

Morsecode · 04/02/2017 23:14

If you were a man writing this, people would say you are abusive. Your post reads like a litany of half baked reasons why your DH should do exactly how you prescribe it for him, down to his religious beliefs. YABU, let him get on with his religion and stop trying to control his every last move FFS.

ConferencePear · 04/02/2017 23:22

It could be much worse OP. He might take up cricket.

SwedishEdith · 04/02/2017 23:23

I'd love to go to church each week if they'd get rid of the god stuff. Maybe he just wants some time out.

I'd start looking for a job.

WankersHacksandThieves · 04/02/2017 23:24

I think for me the solution would be to end the marriage - sounds extreme I know, but I really couldn't be with someone who gave that stuff headspace never mind physical time.

Also, as far as I am aware churches are open at other times and have other services. It's not unreasonable for him to pursue his hobby every other weekend which people on here would normally say is fine, not when religion is mentioned though - well, as long as it's christianity...

kerryob · 04/02/2017 23:24

Yabu, it's one hour a week, my mother used to moan to my dad for going to church every week. It annoyed me as she knew he was Catholic when she married him, it is a part of who he is. If we had to go somewhere on a Sunday he goes to mass on a Saturday evening & we can tell the difference in him when he has been.

Is there something you would like to do on your own? A class or gym? It sounds like you could benefit for having something for you with other adults

bowed · 04/02/2017 23:25

He could go on a different day/time if you have something planned? Or while he's away, to another church, now and then? But of course I don't think you should try to prevent him going every week if that's what he wants to do.

Original poster

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:26

Thanks for the understanding comments. To all those who reckon it's an hour out of the weekend, no it isn't. It's all morning. He has also been away for up to 9 months in a year (it is usual for him to be away 5 months at least), so we don't have as much family time as your average family. I would bet that most of those who regularly go have a more family friendly worklife.
If he were around we would generally plan to do more interesting things than top up shopping, my point was that I have to fit this in myself with the kids rather than a quick nip down the shop (which actually opens at 10 here on Sunday) if he's around.
And I will reiterate that he has time for his religion while away, so I am not stopping him at all, merely don't want to only have one day a week (which sometimes is taken up anyway by necessary boring stuff /parties etc) as a family while the kids are still young and he's away a lot of the time.
Nice idea, but kids are still too young to be left, and wouldn't let me have an undisturbed breakfast in bed

OP posts:

CelticPromise · 04/02/2017 23:26

I think YABU. I am the church goer in our family. I take the DC. It's not a hobby for me, it's something that requires commitment. I miss it now and again but I'd prioritise it over non specific family time. I go at different times sometimes, maybe there's a different service he could go to sometimes.

HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2017 23:28

I think you are being unreasonable about church.

If you need extra shopping done, he could do it on the way home from church. Then family time is all day Saturday and Sunday afternoons. If you want a weekend away, he can either skip church or attend wherever you are staying (I know people who really enjoy doing this).

I think you need to:

Explore your work options
Explore some leisure options for yourself

Why are you on lockdown while he's away? How old are the children? Can you use childcare?

Waterfeature · 04/02/2017 23:28

So you're a SAHM and one of the reasons you resent DH's churchgoing is because you need to do urgent grocery shopping on a Sunday morning?! Riiiiight.

OrlandaFuriosa · 04/02/2017 23:28

Um, like Northerner it's good for my mental health, I need somewhere I can be peaceful, unwind, with something else to think about. It's not necessarily a question of belief: mine varies considerably.

I think the issue may be neither of you fully appreciates the stresses you are each under. It might be that there's a short service that would deliver the goods for him, that you could do most of the shopping by internet. But that's looking at the cure if the symptoms, not the issue: it sounds as though you could both do with an unemotional discussion of the stresses and how you both need to unwind in accordance with your values and how to fit that in.

foxyloxy78 · 04/02/2017 23:28

Let the man do what's important to him. It's only one hour a day. Like Pp said, worse places he could go... Please respect that he has a faith he wishes to observe.

SociallyAcceptableCookie · 04/02/2017 23:29

Yabu. You obviously don't understand what religion means to a person. It's not fair to tell him to go every other week. That's not how it works.

If there is an earlier service (i.e. 9:00 instead of 11:00) you could talk to him about going to that instead.

Original poster

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:30

Oh, forgot to mention that we had deliberately not put kids in weekend sports so as to keep weekend free for family activities, so I don't see why church should be different. Good idea about the Saturday eve service, I will suggest it!

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 23:30

Could he go to a Saturday night vigil and leave the Sunday entirely free?

roseshippy · 04/02/2017 23:31

it's February? It's dark and cold and wet. What exactly are you planning to do with your Sunday mornings?

PickAChew · 04/02/2017 23:32

If you're used to him being away, most of the time, then use the time when he's in church to go shopping.

If he tries to guilt trip you for doing that, instead of going to church with him, then there's bigger problems than him not being there, much.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2017 23:32

Im the church goer in my marriage and yes its an hour service and i usually grab coffee after to speak to friends etc.

YABU. Youre saying that he can go to any church when hes away but dont want him to have a home church with fixed ties. Having a spiritual base is important.

Morsecode · 04/02/2017 23:34

You miss the point OP. It's not because you send him away for up to 9 months at a time that he has to repay you by giving up his church time for you. It's not about you, it's about him and his religion.

HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2017 23:36

Cross posted. I think the problem is him being away so much, isn't it? And then on the rare occasions he is actually at home, he's opting out of family life for half a day to do something just for him.

Original poster

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:40

Wow, can't believe the number of ppl who don't actually read my posts properly! I am not saying he can't go regularly to a home church. What I was trying to get an idea of was if others would think it unreasonable to use a quarter of every weekend EVERY WEEK on his personal interest, when we have generally so little family time available. I have said I think every other Sunday and those we are not committed to are fine. But if he is adamant about church every Sunday that potentially leaves us with (in a bad year) 12 or less days IN THE YEAR in which we can plan on family activities. We are not on lockdown while he's away

OP posts:

Willow2016 · 04/02/2017 23:41

I bet if the dh was going to football or something EVERY SUNDAY, ALL MORNING when he has only a few Sundays a year to spend with his kids it would be a different thread.

He is away with work for months at a time, I am sure that he can go to a church then.

OP has given up work to accomodate him, does everything to do with kids, and household to accomodate him, kids dont do weekend clubs as he wanted to spend family time with them to accomodate him, but asking him to spend a whole day with his kids once in a while is too much to ask?

There are plenty things to do on a Sunday morning - go out, go swimming, bowling, days out, play games, etc same as other people do. You know, spend some family time together before he goes off for another 5 months.

justilou · 04/02/2017 23:42

Just out of interest, does he do the church thing when he's away?

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