Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:44

Morsecode I find your comment insulting. He chose his job and enjoys it. I do not 'send him away', I have given up a lot to enable his career. I possibly do feel that he owes the family some of his time while here, although, as I have said a number of times, I do not feel unreasonable given the other opportunities he has.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2017 23:45

So hand him the 'top up' grocery list on his way out the door and he can go shopping after church whilst you and the DC have a quiet Sunday morning at home.

I can't tell for certain, but it appears that he's been this way since you were dating so you knew what you were getting into.

WankersHacksandThieves · 04/02/2017 23:49

it's February? It's dark and cold and wet. What exactly are you planning to do with your Sunday mornings?

Have a relaxed family breakfast/play board games/go swimming/go to the cinema. There are other places open rather than church.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2017 23:50

YABVVVVVU.

You cannot make requests limit his time at church. This is religion, something very personal and important. It's not the same as being off bird watching or kicking a football around.

It would be incredibly disrespectful to ask/tell him to go less often.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:51

Thanks, Hedda and Willow, you've got it. I don't think a lot of responses actually considered this, when it's the main reason I posted!

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2017 23:51

I also find it bizarre that you have to do an 'emergency shop' every Sunday.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 04/02/2017 23:51

One word OP. Ocado.

WankersHacksandThieves · 04/02/2017 23:52

This is religion, something very personal and important

More important than seeing his young children and spending time with his family?

I repeat that I'd be showing him the door.

CordeliaScott · 04/02/2017 23:55

YABU. It's not that long out of the weekend and you could always shop online. If he is religious and it helps him why wouldn't you support him? I'm a lapsed catholic but I find church services incredibly relaxing especially when I'm stressed. I genuinely don't understand your problem.

Willow2016 · 04/02/2017 23:58

Triptrap
Anything that comes between him and his family is not a good thing.

OP has already said he isnt actually particularly religious anyway, and has interests in more than one religion so why he needs to bugger off all sunday morning every week leaving his family to their own devices is strange.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 23:59

Acrossthepond, nope, he didn't go to church regularly while we were dating, nor for at least 7 years that I can def remember. Nor did he have his current job. It's all happened a good way into the relationship.
Would be nice to have a quiet morning while he's out, but you know what young kids are like....
Good idea for him to shop on his way back, tho would require him to take the car rather than walk, I'll have to ask and see what he says...

OP posts:
QueenyLaverne · 04/02/2017 23:59

I'm not sure supermarkets 'are not even open until the afternoon' [hmmm] mine open at 10am, where are you living?...... I digress .........

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/02/2017 00:00

If Op had posted "My DP is only home 12 weekends a year and instead of spending family time, he spends a half day of each weekend watching football. I ensure that DC don't have weekend commitments so that we can spend those weekends as a family and he just doesn't care, he says football is more important, WIBU to ask him to only go every 2nd weekend?"

I'm sure you would have a different response.

Morsecode · 05/02/2017 00:00

And yet you still talk of him "owing" you his time. What time? An hour every Sunday? Will he not see his family at all of a weekend if he goes to church on a Sunday? You still sound over controlling, and I am sorry if this observation insults or offends you.

allowlsthinkalot · 05/02/2017 00:01

YABU, it's not a "personal interest" or hobby, it is his religion and the whole purpose of his life.

You can order shopping online. You can tell the kids they need to go with him. But you can't say he shouldn't go!

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/02/2017 00:03

Op has already stated that it's half a day, not an hour. And why doesn't he "owe" some time to his wife and children? He managed to find the time to make the children.

allowlsthinkalot · 05/02/2017 00:03

Yes wankers, because football is a hobby and not a religion however seriously some people take it!

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 05/02/2017 00:03

Triptrap, good to hear you never run out of groceries and never have to go to the shop more than once a week Confused

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 05/02/2017 00:04

YABU and teach your children to behave when shopping, they are old enough to choose not to go to Sunday School.

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/02/2017 00:04

it is his religion and the whole purpose of his life.

It's a pisstake. OP are you sure he is actually going to church for starters?

Floggingmolly · 05/02/2017 00:05

He's away for 9 months of the year?

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/02/2017 00:06

Anyway, I thoght god was everywhere not just at church on a sunday morning, it is perfectly possible to follow a religion and never go to church so hence attending church is optional so therefore equivalent to a hobby.

early30smum · 05/02/2017 00:07

To those arguing it's 'different' because it's religion, (as opposed to say, going to football), why? You could well argue practically any other activity is as important (for one's mental health, physical health etc). No one activity, church or anything else, should have such a big impact on family life. If OP had said she wanted to have half a day every weekend to spend with her friends, even though she worked all week and didn't see much of her DC, because it was important to her and helped her feel human again etc there would have been uproar.

Dabisadancemove · 05/02/2017 00:08

OP I completely get where you are coming from. I have a husband who regularly works away and I would be a bit put out if he then decided to take Sunday mornings away from the family for whatever reason. My DC's wait all week to spend time with their Dad and I know that they would be disappointed if they were delegated to second place again at weekends on a regular basis. There has to be balance in family life for it to be successful long term. I suggest that your DH finds a way to observe his faith that is more commensurate with his work/life balance.

shinynewusername · 05/02/2017 00:10

As a matter of interest, does he go to a religious service on Sundays when he is working away? Even if he works on an oil rig or the Antarctic survey, there will be some sort of group religious observance.

I don't think YABU, OP. I wonder how many people who say you are have experienced your kind of family life - with the family only together for a few weeks a year? That was how we lived when I was a child and I would have been gutted if my DF had spent half of our rare family days away from us - we hardly saw him as it was.