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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

210 replies

Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 01:30

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 23/01/2017 01:34

First off, I don't think anyone has the right to moan about what you do with your pubic hair. I don't shave and DH is fine with that, but if he wasn't, I'd be making it clear it's my choice what I do or don't do with it.

Having said that, by the same token, I don't do anything different for medical appointments or whatever else. The nurse will have seen all sorts. Frankly I wouldn't bother. So no, no difference for me.

Servicesupportforall · 23/01/2017 01:36

Mmm ok

user1477282676 · 23/01/2017 01:38

I think both of you have an unhealthy attitude. I never cut mine or shave it. If a nurse can't cope with looking at a bit of hair which is perfectly natural, then the nurse has problems.

Same with men.

scottishdiem · 23/01/2017 01:40

I think you are both a bit wrong. The nurse will have seen many hairier than you can muster. Not everyone has bought into the "neat & tidy"/hairless look. Why would you be mortified?

He is wrong for having a dig/make a comment though and he may be linking it to sex as you say. If he likes you shaven then he will now be more turned on knowing that sex is still not something you are ready for. The lack of shaving will have meant he has seen that area of you as something to share a joke about. Now it may be (for a wee while until you let it grow) back to something he enjoyed but no longer shares with you.

LordBuckley · 23/01/2017 01:40

It's not a monstrosity. That's what it's supposed to look like.

OneMillionScovilles · 23/01/2017 01:40

Unacceptable way to talk to your wife. Full stop.

However, I can't pretend to understand your approach really... I don't really care beyond "trimming stragglers that outgrow the bikini line" - so I don't bother. I do dislike armpit hair on myself, so shave it for both work and home.

But whilst I don't personally think it's something that you should have to worry about with your DH/DP, if you think it's enough of an issue that you'd "do it for a random nurse", I kind of see where he's coming from.

I hope this doesn't come across as unkind... And I definitely don't think he should have spoken to you like that - or sulked! - he isn't 5

Catherinebee85 · 23/01/2017 01:44

He's just feeling neglected anyway and then he's hurt by the fact you'd spend time pruning for a nurse but wouldn't spend the time for him. I can see where he's coming from completely to be honest.

HelenaDove · 23/01/2017 01:53

Well Catharine hes not spending much time on his wife if she barely even has time to wash her face since baby came along. How much parenting is he doing.

I dont shave or even trim. My pubic area has never seen a pair of scissors razor/wax strip/ or Veet.

I dont buy into all this misogynistic bollocks that pubic hair is dirty just because the body its growing on is a female one.

I wouldnt put up with any of this crap.

MrsBlennerhassett · 23/01/2017 02:08

Maybe he was just having a bad day and feeling a bit low and insecure? if hes usually supportive then id chalk it up to that and try not to take offence.

After i had my child i couldnt move very well so i actually used to get my husband to trim me down there to go to appointments. I didnt go full wax or anything but i did think i should trim enough so they could see me clearly. But i do trim generally anyway. I understand some people dont like to and why would they start for a nurse?

But i can see that maybe in your husbands head it made him feel insecure, even though i agree it is unreasonable, just because hes probably thinking that you are considering a stranger looking at you more than you consider him looking at you.
I mean in the end he should just pull himself together and realise that you have other stuff going on at the moment that is more important than him but we all have our little strops sometimes dont we? I mean basically its just a throw away comment from someone in a bit of a bad mood who was used to being the centre of your attention perhaps and now is feeling like he is bottom of the pile.

UnbornMortificado · 23/01/2017 02:14

The OP has had major surgery and has a young child.

I most certainly cannot see where he is coming from. Aside from that there is no bigger turn off then a grown man sulking.

AmoIsNoLongerEmo · 23/01/2017 02:25

I too can see where he's coming from. It probably came out all wrong, however he misses that part of you and may have been a bit hurt that you spent the time and effort on it for the nurse but won't let him anywhere near it, which is completely understandable. I too had a c section and didn't want sex for a long time. But 8 months is a long time for guys who can tend to think with their members.

Tartyflette · 23/01/2017 02:25

There is absolutely no need to trim, wax or indeed do anything to your pubic hair before having a smear test. Thry can examine you perfectly well in it's natural state and almost certainly would not think twice or even notice it. It's how it should be, after all.
Just a thought -- if you're still sore around the scar area why not postpone the smear test for a month or do? It's hardly urgent.

sofato5miles · 23/01/2017 02:26

Terrible C sectiom here and a v poorly child. If that is the genuine reason why you haven't shagged, then be very careful. The longer you break the habit the harder it can be to get it back.

In regards to trimming. I get his position. He is feeling unloved and insecure. And a nurse will have seen absolutely everything anyway.

HelenaDove · 23/01/2017 02:28

Bet he has the time to wash his face properly though unlike the OP.

Isadora2007 · 23/01/2017 02:34

Yabbu
I can see why he is annoyed at the perceived efforts for a nurse and not him. But he shouldn't go in the huff she should talk.
But I can t help by wonder what you mean by "we're working on it" with regards to your sex life? Does that mean you're avoiding it because B you don't Fancy it any more and He Is just getting huffy?
It's been 8 months. I wouldn't be carrying on just not having it. I would be wanting to discuss with a GP what might be wrong. Your scar shouldn't be bothering you to that extent now surely and you didn't even give birth vaginally?
Couldn't you decide to have sex as a trial to see if you actually enjoyed it once things got going again?

Twinkleheth · 23/01/2017 02:44

I think it's your choice when you trim your lady garden and for whatever reason. I totally understand that the thought of a stranger seeing you unkempt would make you feel embarrassed. Whereas around your husband you feel more confident and don't see it as an issue. It's a bit like sitting in your pjs all day at home with the kids, but you would make an effort to get dressed etc to go visit someone - yes the nurse has seen it all before, but it's about how the OP feels isn't it?

It does sound like your husband is feeling frustrated but I can't be bothered with sulking adults! I've had 4 c sections so it's not necessarily the op itself is affecting your libido. It could be sheer tiredness, body confidence as you mentioned. Does he help with the baby?

UnbornMortificado · 23/01/2017 02:47

Couldn't you decide to have sex as a trial to see if you actually enjoyed it

Yes off course we should all have sex when we don't want to on the off chance we may enjoy it.

avamiah · 23/01/2017 02:59

OP,
I agree your scar should not be affecting your after 8 months and if it is you need to speak to your GP immediately.
However 8 months is a long time to go without any sexual contact considering you did not have a vaginal birth.
Only you know the situation OP.
I hope you resolve it.

Isadora2007 · 23/01/2017 03:27

Unborn. Actually there are lots of things that I would say that's okay for. I don't like exercise so I avoid it. But when I do it it's never as bad as I thought and I never regret doing it and even sometimes enjoy it.
Sex can be similar.

Want2bSupermum · 23/01/2017 03:43

Your DH needs to check himself. If he is wanting sex he is going about it the wrong way.

I think you too need to be honest too. Your DH is wanting sex and you don't. After 8 months that isnt normal and you need medical attention. Your tummy looking pregnant is normally split muscles. You need to do serious Pilates 3-4 times a week with an instructor who is experienced at helping those who are post partum. I had the surgery as even with exercise I still had a pretty big gap.

UnbornMortificado · 23/01/2017 03:53

My fitness routine generally doesn't exist include someone I don't feel like having sex with putting their penis in me.

Jeanne51 · 23/01/2017 04:00

I haven't trimmed for weeks can't be bothered. DH said he doesn't care but I think he does. Men are really hairy, it's such a drag for women to appear hairless.

DesignedForLife · 23/01/2017 04:36

Sounds like he's a bit frustrated, which is understandable really, though he didn't need to unkind.

I understand where you're coming from, I had a crash section 5 months ago ad the recovery has been brutal. It's almost completely killed my libido, and has taken a fair bit of effort on my part to do anything. Much worse in that sense than after normal birth with dc1. Its like I feel disconnected from my body.

It's your choice how to keep yourself, but sounds like you need to talk to your DH some more about how your feeling. And as others have said, he needs to be doing his share of the parenting so that you can have some time to yourself

ImYourMama · 23/01/2017 04:57

I'm really sorry OP but I can totally see his point, 8 months is a huge time to go without intimacy and regardless of your pubic hair style, he's probably feeling quite rejected. So seeing you find time to make the effort for a basic medical check and not for your sex life is a bit shit.

If you prefer being trim and tidy, do that for your appointment then maybe use that to try and find some intimacy again?

I have a 4 month old DD so I know it's hard, but I found I 'missed' DH when we weren't intimate for a while, hope that helps

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/01/2017 05:16

Your DH is wrong. You should "tidy" your pubic hair if and only if you want to, not for your husband/the nurse/anyone else.

And in this particular situation, there would be no benefit to tidying it "for your husband" anyway, since you're not having sex at the moment.

That said, your attitude to tidying up for the nurse is a bit strange. You don't think a nurse is used to looking at bodies in their natural state? Why would you think a nurse would care, and even if she were daft enough to care, why would you care?

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