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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

210 replies

Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 01:30

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 23/01/2017 11:51

Does he trim?
He's sulking because he isnt getting any and Wifey should be available around the clock to suit him. Thats where he's coming from.
Maybe if he were to communicate like an adult he wouldn't sound like such a twat.

There are other ways to be intimate.

TarragonChicken · 23/01/2017 11:58

There is absolutely no need to trim, wax or indeed do anything to your pubic hair before having a smear test. Thry can examine you perfectly well in it's natural state and almost certainly would not think twice or even notice it.

This. I assure you.

SoupDragon · 23/01/2017 12:06

He's sulking because he isnt getting any and Wifey should be available around the clock to suit him. Thats where he's coming from.

Stop making shit up.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/01/2017 12:06

I do have to ask - does he keep his pubes 'tidy' for you? I hope he's not sulking about your pubes while rocking a bush himself...

Mindtrope · 23/01/2017 12:06

I just asked my OH if I should trim or remove my pubic hair- he laughed.

lovelearning · 23/01/2017 12:08

laser burnt me

Hugedickasaurus Shock that must have been painful but you shouldn't let it put you off laser hair removal - it's the best option.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 12:18

And what did you do Mindtrope? Leave it be? 😂

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/01/2017 12:25

He's just feeling neglected anyway and then he's hurt by the fact you'd spend time pruning for a nurse but wouldn't spend the time for him. I can see where he's coming from completely to be honest

this! I feel for you, and god know the 1st child is a car crash, but playing victim here is somewhat unwarranted as its 8 months now!

rather than moan on here, why not think about how you can reconnect, and it doesn't have to be sex either

Also, try this:

this saved me after my abdominal surgery

I really emphasise but it ,might be time to say enough already and try and get your normal life back|?

Marynary · 23/01/2017 12:28

You both have a weird attitude. You do realise that shaving your lady garden is just a fashion and not all women follow fashion don't you OP? I remember my friend growing her pubes before a smear but that was in the 80s when shaving wasn't fashionable.

Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 12:29

I'm not playing victim and I'm not moaning Confused If you read my updates you'll see that I am trying to motivate myself to get over this.

Thank you for the link

OP posts:
Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 12:31

I don't see it as a fashion, in my opinion it's the same as whether or not you remove hair from your legs, which I cant see being a subject of debate for fashion

OP posts:
Marynary · 23/01/2017 12:32

I don't see it as a fashion, in my opinion it's the same as whether or not you remove hair from your legs, which I cant see being a subject of debate for fashion

Removing hair from legs is a fashion too although it is a much longer lasting one than shaving pubes.

Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 12:33

To be fair he did used to trim when we were sexually active. As I've not seen it for a while I have no idea if he's maintaining it! I'll ask him Smile

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/01/2017 12:33

I don't see it as a fashion, in my opinion it's the same as whether or not you remove hair from your legs, which I cant see being a subject of debate for fashion

Removing hair from your legs is definitely a fashion. Confused

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/01/2017 12:35

sorry, I meant to be supportive not a bitch- and failed hey!

The thing with the abdomen is that once its weak it affects your back, everything. I had some major abdominal surgery and even though I did this clip, I wish I had done more. So the exercise will help both your belly, and yourself esteem , and your back!

I honestly meant to say focus on getting you back, and I suspect when you feel more normal- your libido will come back

Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 12:39

Stopfucking - it's ok! Smile you're 100% right and thank you for sharing your experience. I will definitely look into the link, and have started searching for Pilates classes already

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 23/01/2017 12:41

I don't see it as a fashion,

It is definitely fashion and in the case of pubes it is a relatively recent one which coincides with the rise in easily available porn and plasticising of bodies (of both sexes).

Somehow the sexual partners of my yesteryears coped with pubic hair, as I did in them. Even in women's magazines the most that was ever considered normal was trimming the odd hair if you don't want it creeping out from a swimsuit. Now apparently I should like like a prepubescent girl to be sexually alluring Confused

More seriously OP, you sound as if you need some practical help from DH rather than criticism. A comfortable feeling woman who has had a decent night's sleep is far more likely to rediscover her libido than one who is exhausted and being criticised for having a normal body.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/01/2017 12:41

Sidge my feet aren't smelly & I'll have showed approximately 7 minutes before I see you, so would you come & do my smear please?! (Actually, wouldn't it be funny if it was you?! Are you an ex midwife? Are you in the SE of England?). I have one booked for next Monday, I haven't had one in a long time. Far too long. I promised MrsDV I'd book one & I have ignores the fact at least two years have passed since I promised Currently rocking a bush (but nowhere near as impressive as the OP's) as the current admirer likes it this way, so I'm being lazy indulging him 😬 Not that he'd dare pass comment if I did remove it all because he's not that stupid! 😬

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/01/2017 12:49

I agree that you definitely need to actively try to get your libido back - for your own sake as well as that of your DH & marriage. I think some 'solo time' is the best place to start, work out what feels good now & what doesn't. Fantasise about whatever floats your boat and just relax. No pressure. Then maybe just tell DH that IF you initiate things but can't get into it, there's not to be any 'huffing' he can sort himself out, but no moaning. Libido often just needs a bit of a 'helping hand' 😉

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 12:57

This thread brings home to me how much of an old fuddy-duddy I am: I can remember a time when not only shaving your pubes was unheard of, but arms and legs weren't shaved either. I read in a book about how the Ancient Egyptians used to shave their whole bodies and laughed aloud at such weird customs. Think I may have been in Sixth Form at the time.

Anyway, OP, what matters is not whether you are shaved or not, but whether you are recovering as you should. Good advice given on this thread about abdominal muscles etc, but also about making sure your dh does his bit with looking after the lo. Perhaps be a little bit stricter with yourself about leaving the baby for a few minutes to get cleaned and groomed every morning: it does make an enormous difference to the start of the day.

CaraAspen · 23/01/2017 13:01

Shaving legs is not a fashion. The word "fashion" has connotations of transient whereas women have been ensuring their legs are hair free for a very long time, by any standard. Ditto - underarm hair.

Removing pubic hair is fast becoming the norm. It feels nice and is comfortable and hygienic.

leedy · 23/01/2017 13:11

"The word "fashion" has connotations of transient whereas women have been ensuring their legs are hair free for a very long time, by any standard. Ditto - underarm hair."

SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME IT IS WHAT NATURE MADE US DO, IT IS LIKE HOW GOD GAVE US THE BRAINS TO REMOVE HAIR THOUGH INCONVENIENTLY STILL MADE US GROW IT. Or, actually, since razor companies started marketing to women, particularly for armpits. And, as a PP just said, not universally. Oh, I do loves me some internalized social norms.

www.bustle.com/articles/137072-100-years-of-shaving-ads-show-how-weve-been-tricked-into-going-hairless-photos

(I do shave my legs and armpits but I'm under no illusion that it's anything other than fashion)

Also how the hell are shaved pubes more "hygienic" (provided the person who owns them actually washes)? Should we start shaving our heads next?

motherinferior · 23/01/2017 13:16

Back in my youth shaving pubic hair was only for a quite specialised part of the commercialised sex market.

Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 13:18

Leedy - in my opinion it's more hygienic because if you suffer from discharge, it will get stuck/matted in the pubic hair (depending on the length of it!). Same with menstrual blood/clots. Not very easy to wipe away with a dry piece of toilet paper.

God that really is tmi for lunchtime

OP posts:
leedy · 23/01/2017 13:18

Also not having a libido even months and months after a complicated birth when you're exhausted and still having abdominal problems sounds perfectly normal to me. I don't think mine was even slightly back until about 10 months postpartum and not really, properly, pre-kids back until some time into the following year. Especially if you're breastfeeding (I don't know if you are or not) and haven't started ovulating again yet it can just take time.

Strangely enough DP managed to cope without exploding from "the excruciating pain of needing to make love" or whatever a PP called it and/or moaning about it - we talked about it and showed affection in other ways and he gave me time and space to rest and recover, and back it came.