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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

210 replies

Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 01:30

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/01/2017 07:32

"why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?"

This I agree with.

user1471545174 · 23/01/2017 07:32

In lines 3 and 4 of the OP's penultimate paragraph.

user1471545174 · 23/01/2017 07:33

(To birdybirdy).

cherrycrumblecustard · 23/01/2017 07:33

I have heard they do laugh at "huge bushes" Shock

DeliciousIrony · 23/01/2017 07:35

So seeing you find time to make the effort for a basic medical check and not for your sex life is a bit shit. Confused But she wasn't grooming herself so she could shag the nurse, was she? OP has said that she hasn't wanted to have sex since having a C-section due to the painful recovery and changes to her body, which has knocked her confidence and libido on the head. I'm not sure why this is any way related to her taking a few minutes to groom herself in order to feel less self-conscious when a stranger is staring her vulva in the face.

OP, referring to your pubes as a 'monstrosity' is a bit grim tbh, but in relation to the exchange between you and your DH YANBU. It does sound like he's making a dig because he's sexually frustrated, but making sulky comments about your appearance isn't going to help anything.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/01/2017 07:36

silly bugger. he is not going to get anywhere near it in the near future either now.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 07:38

Maybe, it sounds to me like the op has some pretty strong grooming expectations of her own.

But then I've never heard anyone talk about 'monstrosity/incredulous/absolutely mortified at the thought of seeing a nurse with 'full bush' before.

JustSpeakSense · 23/01/2017 07:41

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest.

You are only grooming your lady garden for your DH benefit? Do it for yourself of don't do it at all.

rollonthesummer · 23/01/2017 07:44

It's probably your abject horror that you could not possibly let a nurse see you in such a 'state', but it was clearly fine for him to, that bothered him?

Crumbs1 · 23/01/2017 07:44

It was a passing comment from a man that clearly loves you but is feeling slightly bewildered that you remove hair for five minutes with a nurse. . My husband has said far worse off the cuff remarks that don't need a tirade of anger. How you groom is your business but one usually wishes to please ones husband-it's normal.
Feels like quite a long time post baby to not be having the odd contact. Maybe self confidence about changed body more than anything else. Are you having time away from baby to get exercise? Helps enormously not with just with shape but with psychological well being. Are you having physical contact in other ways to maintain non sexual intimacy? Cuddles etc - or are you pushing him away for fear he might want sex? Are you having any couples time? A weekend away, a night out, a lie in without baby. C sections are quite major surgery but women are usually well recovered before six months. Might be worth talking to your GP about any discomfort.

Isadora2007 · 23/01/2017 07:46

Unborn. You're choosing to misinterpret what I've said. I used exercise as an example. Could have been ironing or cleaning. Put off as I don't fancy it. Then glad when I have done it.
Lots of people struggle to feel as close to their partner when their sex life has dwindled because often there is a lack of intimacy full stop and this is an important factor for BOTH people in a couple relationship. I'm not saying he needs it and she should just put up and shut up at all- but I wondered if she just gave it a go if her libido would reawaken. Especially if she had a nice few hours with a hot bubble bath and time to relax and defuzz she may find the idea of sex more palatable?

Iamastonished · 23/01/2017 07:46

Really Cherry Hmm

IRegretNothing · 23/01/2017 07:46

Sorry, havent rtft but I have this issue with dh.
When he's not going into work (usually works from home) he lets his beard grow. He often gets a few ingrown hairs but it's also really uncomfortable when we kiss or snuggle and I get a rash. I've asked him nicely if he could not let it get so long but he is always a bit meh, my beard. Which is fair enough but means I avoid intimacy when it's very grizzled and unkempt.
But he always smartens up on the times he has to go in for work, beautifully clean shaven. It makes me feel a bit shit to be honest, like my preferences, comfort and affection aren't worth it for him to shave.

Now we rarely have sex and I couldn't give a shit that I haven't shaved in over a month.

Just to make you guys laugh, dd 4 said yesterday, "today is the best day ever! " I ask why, slightly puzzled as it's been quite quiet. She gestures to her legs, "because I can grow hair on my knees! My knees! " She was truly ecstatic, bless her.

blinkineckmum · 23/01/2017 07:52

Yes some of them do discuss how we look. I have doctor friends who have done this.
8 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. If you have both been focussed on the baby and you are healing, it's not long.
After my episiotomy and traumatic first birth it took 8 months for my scar to heal. The doctor just told me to wait, and not to have sex if it hurt.
Some things take time.
Though it's a shame you feel so bad about the pubes, and you need to talk to each other as he's clearly feeling upset too.

Catsize · 23/01/2017 07:53

This is sad on many levels.

Your 'monstrosity' is hair as nature intended.

Does your DH shave his pubic area? If not, why not?

I've always found the shaving pubic hair thing bizarre, so genuinely interested. I haven't any desire to look pre-pubescent. And wouldn't want the person I am sleeping with to be like that either. Never mind the stubble!

Catsize · 23/01/2017 07:53

And 8mths is fine.

OliviaStabler · 23/01/2017 08:03

He's just feeling neglected anyway and then he's hurt by the fact you'd spend time pruning for a nurse but wouldn't spend the time for him. I can see where he's coming from completely to be honest.

^^ This.

bananaleaves · 23/01/2017 08:05

I've always found the shaving pubic hair thing bizarre, so genuinely interested. I haven't any desire to look pre-pubescent. And wouldn't want the person I am sleeping with to be like that either. Never mind the stubble

This argument does my head in. Weirdly my tits, hips as arse and general sagging eliminates the risk of me looking pre pubescent even with a shaved nether regions.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 08:10

This thread has really opened my eyes to the preference of big bushes!

Catsize · 23/01/2017 08:10

Fair enough banana. I can also confirm that the rest of me looks in no way pre-pubescent. Grin Perhaps I should clarify - I have no desire to try to give the impression that my pubic area has not yet reached puberty.

TheNaze73 · 23/01/2017 08:10

I think you have communication issues. I get where your DH is coming from,

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 08:10

Banana Grin

Nemosnemsis · 23/01/2017 08:13

I dont buy into all this misogynistic bollocks that pubic hair is dirty just because the body its growing on is a female one

My DH shaves/trims his pubic hair for me, and I love it. I think there's just as much expectation for men to groom their nether region as there is women these days.

PamBalam · 23/01/2017 08:14

To focus on a slightly different aspect of your post, I don't really get it when new parents say things like "I don't have time to shower/wash my face etc with a newborn". I work with people who say this too.

I've had a newborn. It's exhausting. But the big advantage of a newborn is that they tend to stay where you put them. So put the baby in the Moses basket or whatever and wash! Letting a baby cry for the amount of time it takes to wash your face or have a quick really won't hurt them. My baby didn't cry anyway. For a shower I'd put her basket or her Jungle gym in the hall outside the bathroom so I could see her and she seemed to like the sound of the water or I'd sing to her.

Honestly I worked with a woman who used to come into work in unironed clothes, greasy hair etc because "oh, I just don't have time any more" - total bollocks. She just stopped being arsed. No PND there by the way, she almost took pride in it.

I now have a two year old. Showering is difficult now, I admit, so I either do it the night before or early in the morning before DH goes to work for the day.

My two year old was born by emergency c section. It was an awful time in my life, the recovery, so I do really sympathise. We didn't have sex for a long time afterwards. I think it took me over a year before I felt almost like my old self again, and my body is still ruined.

I'm pregnant with DC2 now. I'll need another section and I'm already dreading the recovery.

Introvertedbuthappy · 23/01/2017 08:16

To be honest I think a hcp who judges and sees fit to laugh with others about public hair in the natural form are unprofessional and not worth worrying about. How incredibly sad that hair that has a purpose is now seen as 'dirty' or 'a monstrosity'.