DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

[Hugedickasaurus]

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

Bert she was mortified because she normally has trimmed pubic hairs.

I understand that. But "mortified" is a very strong word to describe how you feel if a nurse saw your pubic hair.

That is true Bert I would be mortified if my pubic hairs were roaming free outside of my bikini bottoms on the beach though!

I think even if you were to be waxed 5 minutes before going for a smear, the nurse would still 'see' your pubic hair in that she'd see the follicles where the hair had been growing - and that would suggest their presence..

As opposed to the genuinely 'naked' pubis of a young girl.

Travelling back in time is not an option.

Your hair is not his concern, my DH would prefer me shaven but he can sod off. I do what I want, I've been shaven, Bush like, made terrible attempts at heart shaped topiary and frankly whatever else I feel like. Now I just have a bit of a trim if I want to and he is required to accept and appreciate me whatever :D That said I think your DH probably doesn't really care, he sounds like he's suffering from the lack of intimacy and can't understand why you're putting in an effort for the nurse and not him. He probably does not realise the two are in no way linked because they both revolve around your vagina. That said, agree with others, sulking is not attractive so he's not helping himself at all there.

There's a lot of victim blaming going on in this thread

Oh, fuck off. Even if the husband has been a bit (or a lot) insensitive, describing the OP as a "victim" is way over the top.

And yes, it's perfectly understandable that you are too tired to bother with your pubic hair (if that's what you usually like and do - nothing wrong with not giving a shit about it). But, as PPs have said, it's not normal after eight months that you can't even find the time to wash your face, as you put it. But if you do find the time to bother with your pubic hair because a nurse will see it, yes, it's also sort of understandable that your husband feels rejected.

I trimmed down there when I had a smear too as it made me feel better. I don't Necessarily trim regularly and not for my husband but to be fair he doesn't comment. As for not not having sex for along time after a Caesarian, I have had 3 sections and I didn't have sex for a long time because although I didn't give birth vaginally it still really hurt me. It was like a burning pain. Maybe OP finds it painful too?

If you want to shave, have a tidy, do it for you. Otherwise your as you were made and others either accept that or not - I'll give it to my DH, his attitude is we are what we are. The way I see it, the nurse will have seen all sorts and a full bush is natural. If you save it all off, she'll only have a better view of the rest!

"I have heard they do laugh at "huge bushes" shock"

Immature ones. A gynaecologist told me to continue not getting rid of mine. To be honest, if I ever did it wax it off I'd be embarrassed to show that to a nurse. To me, it would be like turning up in suspenders or something and I'd be worried the nurse thought I was trying to seduce her or something.

I think the analogy might be with somebody who was completely knackered with a baby, but had an obsession that the house must look immaculate because someone was dropping by for 5 minutes.

So she had to rush round deep cleaning the entire house, despite being exhausted.

I would suggest that someone who wants to get a cell sample from your cervix is focusing on getting the sample. They're not thinking 'Oh this is a chance to have a good general look round the outside of this woman's body and start having a leisurely think about her choices.'

Thanks for your replies and thank you not thinking I was a troll!! Which I thought it sounded like after I posted it!

Deep down I can see he has a point which is why I didn't say anything back to and let him have his sulk. He's right I suppose, as I shouldn't assume that it's not ok for a nurse to see it but that it's ok for him to see it. But I was just disappointed because I felt like he used the situation as a mask to make a point about us not having sex, when I've tried to be honest and open with him about why I don't feel ready.

The "no time to washing my face" thing was a hyperbole; in truth DD goes to bed at 8 every night and stays asleep at least until 5am, I do have time to spend on myself (as proven last night) but I just choose not to. I've let myself go purely through my own laziness.

We do have some non-sexual intimacy such as cuddling or kissing, and we do speak affectionately to each other so it's not like we have lost all hope in our marriage. I am have no doubts that my libido will return, a previous poster hit the nail on the head when she said that she felt detached from her body. I feel the same, it doesn't feel like mine. Sometimes when I do a deep yawn i feel something move in my belly almost like a click. I went to see my GP about possible muscle separation and he advised me to give it a full year and come back to him as it "may sort itself out". I haven't started any intense exercises for that reason.

We talk about it a lot rather than brush it under the carpet. The other week I had a very vivid dream about having sex with DH, I actually woke up feeling aroused, and whilst not aroused enough to jump on him, I told him about it and I felt relieved that I was capable of getting my libido back but I just need to feel ready.

OP - I think what he's saying to you is that he feels a bit dejected and pushed out, rather than making a comment about pubic hair. He might have said the same if you were putting make up on or getting dressed up to go and meet a friend or something. It's understandable.
Each to their own when it comes to pubic hair. I've been getting mine more or less waxed off for so long I don't know if it would grow back anyway and, in all honesty, DH would probably get a shock if it did. But that's just me.
I don't think YABU at all, but I do think you should acknowledge his feelings. Could you tell him that you too are keen to get intimate again, but need to re-learn how to focus on yourself in order to get your figure, sense of wellbeing, confidence and libido back. I would really recommend pilates on the reformer equipment. You will get real results in weeks, remember what your core muscles feel like and feel fantastic from the stretching, with no strain or major exertion. Could he look after the baby so you could do this twice a week. Tell him you're doing it for him as week as yourself. Also he needs to take you out if possible and away from the constant mum role. He needs to organise this because you're probably feeling too swamped atm. Sometimes just knowing that your making steps in the right correction can be enough.

I didn't mean to imply that having pubic hair is unnatural and that people should be embarrassed - but for me personally, I have to groom it to some extent as I am so hairy plus I have really dark hair. Monstrosity wasn't an exaggeration, it looked like a a huge black shower puff, I'm sure anyone who keeps their pubic hair here would not have been able to match it for size and density! I am hairy all over and it's the bane of my life. If I don't keep on top of my legs, they look hairier than a strapping grown man's. I have tried all sorts of hair removal but nothing seems to give me long term results: laser burnt me so not going back there.

I have every respect for women who choose to keep it. But then again I am one of those types of women that rarely leaves the house without make up on no matter where I'm going

Direction!

OP I hope you find your libido in your own time, I had a C/S and its bloody rough recovering. Now I'm sure the hairy armiptted feminists will shoot me down in flames, but I like taking care of myself and much as I do it for DHs benefit, I feel more comfortable in myself if my eyebrows aren't caterpillars and my hair is washed.

Maybe one evening take some time to do what makes you feel good, and see if your confidence increases, your libido may follow.

Thank you - I hope so too. The warm bath with nice underwear afterwards sounds like a nice idea. During the first few months I couldn't even think about sex, I can at least think about it now so hopefully am making progress

I think the way your DH took was
The nurse is important enough for you to want and shave for a smear test but I'm not important enough for you to make the same effort.

I don't think it had anything to do with having sex or not. More about making an effort for each other, more like, you would put make up on to go an see the nurse but you can't be bothered to do it when we go out together type of comment.

Whether you want to shave or not is your choice. As others have said, I don't really see why you would mortified to be seen 'hairy'.
But more to the point who would you be mortified (a very strong word) to be seen like this by a stranger but not by your DH?

As an aside, are you planning to shave soon so that, if/when you feel your libido has come back, you can have sex as soon as it feels right to you?
Or would you be happy to have sex with your DH even if you are hairy? (I suspect that if you feel so unconfortable to be seen like this even by your DH, then it could well deter you from having sex iyswim?)

On a side note, I have just got back from the smear test, and I don't know if it's because I haven't had intercourse for a while but good god that felt uncomfortable!!

Smurfs - I always shave if we are having sex (my preference) . which was sort of my point from my OP, in that I didn't feel it necessary to do it if we weren't having sex. But totally get what he means

I think I'll just stay on top of it now and maybe that will help with the libido coming back.

For what it's worth, I'm a practice nurse and do smears daily. The only thing I'm bothered about is getting a good quality sample and being as kind, professional and understanding as I can be. I don't care if your pubes are plaited down to your knees, dyed rainbow colours or waxed right off as long as you've washed your feet! (My nose is closer to your feet than your fanny...)

Anyway I don't think this is really about pubes. It's about your husband feeling neglected, unimportant and rejected. I'm not thinking "aww, poor man" as frankly he needs to be loving and patient rather than snarky. But I think you need to view this exchange as a little warning bell to ensure that you don't neglect you. After having a baby it's hard to prioritise oneself - we always come low down the list don't we? But you matter too and I'm sure your DH still finds you sexy and desirable even if you don't feel that way.

I've often heard the saying "9 months up, 9 months down" regarding 'getting back to normal' after childbirth. I think that can be realistically extended especially after a difficult delivery or a section. Be kind to yourself.

Hi Op, I always find if I'm feeling really crap about myself the best thing to do is get myself in the bath totally do the full works, body scrub, shave, bath oil, etc....get out and put your favorite body butter and perfume on. Make a date to meet your friends, put your make up on and some nice clothes and get out there. If your wardrobe is a bit depressing and you have the cash treat yourself to something nice that fits well and maybe a new lipstick. That always works for me. The more you take care of yourself the better and prettier/sexier/yourself you will feel.

shaving it all off encourages STDs and infections

The fashion for full shaving/waxing has actually been associated with a significant fall in the prevalence of pubic lice. (Tasty!)

If you have cuts or small open wounds on the area from shaving/waxing, and are having sex with a partner who has an STD or blood-borne infection, it can provide another entry point, however. But if you're having sex with a longterm partner and you're both clean (as is presumably the OP's case) that's not really an issue.

OP, as PPs have said I can see both sides. Your H's reaction was rather childish and unpleasant, but I would be feeling awfully lonely, unattractive and wound up at 8 months without sex. I can totally understand how the baby has sapped your energy but maybe it is time to invest some time in self-nurturing, in whatever form, in the hopes of feeling more like your old self. From your updates it seems like you are progressing back towards reigniting your sex life which is great. I just can't get behind the view occasionally expressed here that if someone doesn't feel like sex then their partner should just put up with it, forever if necessary, and the partner without libido doesn't need to do anything whatsoever about it.

Feelings do follow actions to a significant degree, so maybe you do need to change your actions (around what you do for YOU, just to be clear) to see if that changes how you feel about yourself. I would go ahead and get into exercise - I don't think the GP's comment in any way meant it was medically unsafe for you to exercise, more that he wouldn't consider actual medical intervention for a longer period, and to reassure you that there was a good chance that time would help with the muscles etc. But exercise is great for mental health, owning your body, you time - all that good stuff. Maybe you need to renegotiate with your H to get some time for exercise, self-care, etc.

My dh takes the time to make me feel beautiful and desired. I felt shit after ds birth which was a c section too. After I piled on weight due to meds and contraception, I felt so unsexy. But having someone say they love every part of you is a great boost. IMO you need to sit down with dh and tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels too and talk about it properly, that helped me and dh

Getting round to making love after a baby, is what it is. We are tired and our bits are in a bit of a fragile state and our boobs are full of milk. We are probably naturally programmed not to want to do 'it' because of another pregnancy coming so soon on top of the other.
I think the remark was a fairly crass but innocent from your DH, born of longing for you. He will be masturbating like mad.
I discussed this situation with my DH, now and when I was of childbearing years and he told me he had to masturbate 2/4 times a week in order not to bother me.
My DH would have made love to me during our youth, twice a day. It was impossible for me to keep up with him. However, I love him now and loved him then deeply, and so after every successive pregnancy I tried my best to make love as soon as I was physically able. He for his part masturbated so that he could wait. I also like it.
If you have never experienced the hunger the body experiences to make love, then it is difficult to understand. It feels like a pain and it won't go away until you have climaxed.
It is obvious that Men and Women are different and and their sexual needs are different ( there are variations to this of course) so no lectures please.

We depend quite a lot on their expertise. if we are unable or unwilling to tell them what we want, how will they know?
Try and get up the courage to tell your DH what you could manage just now and if he loves you, he will listen.
Imagine if you had gone 8 months without any intimacy and were also very wary of touching the other person as they had had major surgery. A decent man would be expecting the first move to come from you.

I can see where he's coming from. He'd like to be able to see where YOU'RE coming from. ;)