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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

210 replies

Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 01:30

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/01/2017 08:17

I don't really get it when new parents say things like "I don't have time to shower/wash my face etc with a newborn"

I often couldn't summon up the energy to do it but I agree, a lack of time comes when the buggers are mobile and more vocal!

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 08:17

Do men also talk with such loathing about their own body hair?

I think it's a shame for anyone who hates the natural state so.

Slimmingsnake · 23/01/2017 08:18

I shave mine off too.....all off...however even if I never had sex again ,I still would ,because I shave it of for me.no one else...husband is just happy to be allowed near regardless of the packaging...only shave it off for you...it's your body ...

Nemosnemsis · 23/01/2017 08:20

I've always found the shaving pubic hair thing bizarre, so genuinely interested. I haven't any desire to look pre-pubescent. And wouldn't want the person I am sleeping with to be like that either. Never mind the stubble

Without getting too descriptive, I can remove a hell of a lot of pubic hair before I start to look pre-pubescent (ie there's still plenty left). Waxing down there doesn't have to mean every last hair comes off. I also trim, because mine gets so long I could braid it. It just makes me feel neat, clean and tidy, like going for a haircut or filing my nails would. Also - if you wax, there is no stubble.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 08:22

I agree Pam babies are the easiest to care for, put them on the mosses basket, turn on the shower or run the bath and go. Toddler stage and above....every other word is mama mama mama. Admittedly you are somewhat knackered! I had a emergency c section too, I think I was lucky as I was up and about and back to normal within a week or two.

In regards to bushes, I just couldn't let my grow all big and unruly, I wouldn't grow my nails into witches talons either, or grow my hair or eyebrows into a big matted mess either. I think it looks unkept and uncared for. I also expect the same courtesy too. What's good enough for the goose....

icanteven · 23/01/2017 08:28

8 months is quite a long time, but it seems to be tied up into your comment that you haven't had time to wash your face in that time, OP. It might have been hyperbole, but THAT is not normal, and if things have become that chaotic, then it follows that you aren't up for sex.

What happens during the day that you can't find time for yourself at all? Does the baby never nap? Are you back at work?

I'm pulling out that statement because if you see to exhausted to look after yourself (or your bush, whether it's full or bare as a Kardashian!) then you need to rethink your schedule if possible. When your DH comes home from work, you can hand over the baby & head straight upstairs for a proper shower, hair wash, cup of tea and maybe even head out for an evening yoga or Pilates class. Same at weekends.

For the next couple of weeks sort out dinners so that you are not cooking in the evening, whether it's preparing ahead, Waitrose ready meals or him cooking.

Your current routine is clearly not working. You need to be NOT responsible for the baby between him walking in the door and the bedtime feed.

If you are getting more physical space and yourself again then you are more likely to fancy a shag. If I was too frazzled and overwrought to have a shower during the day, I sure as hell wouldn't be prioritising sex in the evening!

Also, you clearly have severe diastasis recto, so look up the dia method & start sorting that out - this is a major health problem that will NOT go away on its own, and is far more serious that mere vanity.

There are also good dvd's for overall muscle tone that you could try - Tracy Anderson has some highly recommended post pregnancy stuff.

BroomstickOfLove · 23/01/2017 08:30

I had clingy newborns, and found two year olds far easier in terms of time for myself. Not everyone's experience is the same.

icanteven · 23/01/2017 08:32

Recto? Recti!

Reality16 · 23/01/2017 08:33

It's hair. Nobody gives a shit.

BadKnee · 23/01/2017 08:36

I remember feeling like this. I feel for you OP. It is really, really hard.

I aso remember feeling like your DH, (and it chimes with pp) when my the DP would groom for his fucking colleagues at his up-its-own-arse office but at weekends and holidays he wouldn't bother. Not just stubble but smelly feet and otherwise unkempt/unpleasant to be near. He was also more interested in football/rugby/formula 1/snooker than me. So yeah, I get where the DH is coming from.

Also to PP - I am just giving personal experience here not making a point - but some of the best sex I ever had was when I wasn't in the mood. Especially when the kids were young. DP, ( different DP), used to book a day off work when the kids were at nursery or school and all I'd be thinking was "I just want to get the housework done" but we'd have champagne and chocolate and all afternoon just to be together. I really did not want to do it because my headspace was somewhere else But as soon as I showered, changed into my nice underwear I felt like my old self again instead of Mummy and once we were in bed it was wonderful and we had sex that I still remember as being some of the best ever.

I don't think he meant anything bad by it. You are both struggling and you need to help each other through this. Good luck OP

BadKnee · 23/01/2017 08:41

Oh and my pubic hair is lovely and natural and soft and I never would shave or cut it. Each to her own but no nurse is going to think twice.

(And my eyebrows do not look like caterpillars and my nails are not witches talons they are both natural) Grin

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/01/2017 08:44

bananaleaves 😁 😂 Exactly.

OP. I'm sure you've said things in a moment of frustration too. Rightly or wrongly he's feeling rejected & lashed out. I'm sure we've all done the same at one time or another.

No intimacy at all in 8 months? It doesn't have to be PIV, but nothing at all? I'd be frustrated and irritable too.

It's a bit odd to care about being anything other than clean when you see the nurse for a smear.

FrancisCrawford · 23/01/2017 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DistanceCall · 23/01/2017 08:49

He does have a point, I'm afraid.

HappyFlappy · 23/01/2017 08:49

I think both of you have an unhealthy attitude. I never cut mine or shave it. If a nurse can't cope with looking at a bit of hair which is perfectly natural, then the nurse has problems.

Same with men.

This - ^^^^

Maverickismywingman · 23/01/2017 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 08:55

Badknee I was exaggerating the point being made, all because it is natural doesn't mean everyone wants it. Lots of things are natural but it doesn't mean you want it on your person! People can chose to do as they wish with their pubic hair, I hate all the people banging on about it being weird to trim it etc...it isn't weird to be groomed.

Iwannabelikecommonpeople · 23/01/2017 08:55

DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it. Tell him to bugger off !! Doesn't he value your privacy ? Shock

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 08:59

Iwanna seriously??? A man shouldn't see his wife coming out of the shower??? Maybe if that's the case lock the door then??? Get your own room to get dressed in? Not be married at all???

UpYerGansey · 23/01/2017 09:01

Off topic but palm balm I had a similar experience on first baby. Second section was planned rather than EMCS, and the whole thing was like the difference between day and night. Much quicker, easier recovery. Hope all goes well for you

FrancisCrawford · 23/01/2017 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jcne · 23/01/2017 09:02

examine your reasons for thinking it's essential to shave for one when you don't want to shave for the other. if you don't want to shave, don't shave. the nurse doesn't give a shit, but then your husb probably doesn't either. we do these things for ourselves, hopefully.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 09:04

Francis I apologize for it sounding loaded, I should've said trimmed, shaved, etc sorry for sounding goady.

lovelearning · 23/01/2017 09:06

"you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

What a charmer. Hmm

PollyPerky · 23/01/2017 09:08

OP are you under the impression that most women shave down there as the norm?

Wrong!

I've had goodness knows how many med professionals looking at my bits over the years and have never felt the need to tidy up.

I admit I shave my legs and make sure my feet and toe nails are groomed, but shave the bush? Never.