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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

210 replies

Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 01:30

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 23/01/2017 05:16

I think you need to think about this notion that it is mortifying for a hcp to see your pubic hair. That is seriously odd.

Chloe84 · 23/01/2017 05:18

YANBU, OP. I would do the same as you. Does he remove his? If not, then it's hypocritical of him to moan about yours.

And I Veet mine every month.

Olympiathequeen · 23/01/2017 05:30

Your DH is an arse making comments like that when you are still in an emotionally vulnerable place.

The nurse really won't give a monkeys tbh but if it makes you feel more in control then it's a good thing.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 05:41

I can understand why your husband is upset, if you took care to trim your bits and you haven't for 8 months and he sees that you bother to trim for a nurse then I understand why he's hurt. Not having sex for 8 months seems like a long time. I've no doubt that the 'closeness' seems like a distant memory and your husband is expressing his hurt in the fact you care more about a nurse seeing your bush than him. I'm not saying his right or wrong but I can see his point.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/01/2017 05:43

I have full awareness that nurses have seen all states of hairiness down there and they don't care. I care though and wouldn't want to go to a nurse without taming at least. I don't judge women who choose to leave it natural so I don't know why there are women on here who are judging the OP for feeling like that. It's her body, it's her choice.

The same logic can be applied to your DH, OP. He needs to grow up and start being supportive of you. I can understand his frustration but he's not the one who has carried and birthed a child.

To all those saying that the OP didn't have a vaginal birth so what's the issue? My DSis got stuck when my mum was in labour. They tried everything to get her out naturally. Eventually, my mum had an ECS. So that was the worst of all worlds. The OP didn't specify if she had this situation as well.

876TaylorMade · 23/01/2017 05:46

8 months is not a long time to go without sex. You have a child and no libido... he should be more understanding. And you don't need medical attention FGS! You need rest and time to yourself. Kudos to those who get it going, but not every woman is built like that.

I didn't have sex until about 9months... I was exhausted and breastfeeding... I had no desire for any form of intimacy... my husband sorted himself. The sex only happened because we went on vacation and he ended up doing most of the childcare and I got to rest properly. And I also had a c-section.

I saw a physio in hospital who gave me exercises to do for muscle separation. If you can that would be a good person to visit... as regular abdominal exercise will not fix it and could make it worse.

I can understand why you would feel the need to de-bush... I too feel like "I've got my shit together" when I'm all shaven, but it's not necessary. Nurses have seen just about everything.

Your DH should also understand it's entirely a personal choice whether you choose to shave/trim/wax etc.

I think you should have a proper discussion with your husband.

YANBU!

differentnameforthis · 23/01/2017 05:52

I'm really sorry OP but I can totally see his point, 8 months is a huge time to go without intimacy 8 mths is also a long time not to have time to look after yourself, as it appears is happening to the op. So my question is, what is her dh doing in order for op to have some precious time to herself, in order to look after herself, groom herself, etc?

Because if the answer to that is not a lot (and it would seem like it is) then the dh doesn't deserve to be in her bed, let alone her knickers.

Jeanne51 · 23/01/2017 05:54

I would talk to GP about the scar and not having libido. Could have post natal depression. Sometimes with depression libido is the first thing to go and also grooming. Maybe it's a psychological barrier. Don't come near me Could be related to any trauma in birth.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 05:56

Of course it's the Ops choice but if she always took care to keep it neat then only trims it for a nurse I can see why he's a bit upset. If my husband suddenly grew a huge beard and kept it that way for 8 months and suddenly shaved it if for the dentist I'd be a bit upset that he didn't bother for me, it's totally different if the Ops lady garden was always unkept and she didn't trim it for the nurse, it is her choice, it always will be but to her husband it must seem like she cares more for the nurse than him. I'm just seeing it from his point of view.

differentnameforthis · 23/01/2017 05:57

So seeing you find time to make the effort for a basic medical check and not for your sex life is a bit shit. So op making time for something that is essential is shit, because she isn't have sex with her dh? Are you for real? Men don't need sex, and any man speaking to me like that, sulking, and preventing me from having time to look after myself would not be getting anything from me.

My god the attitude!!! Don't you dare have an essential health check done, if you can't be bothered to have sex with your dh. That really is misogynistic bullshit.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/01/2017 05:59

My god the attitude!!! Don't you dare have an essential health check done, if you can't be bothered to have sex with your dh. That really is misogynistic bullshit.

Good job it wasn't what the PP was saying then, eh?

differentnameforthis · 23/01/2017 06:13

She said it is shit that op can find the time to have a smear, but not to have sex, so yeah, I think that IS what she is saying!

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 06:17

Who said that different? I can't recall reading it and I've checked the thread, briefly!

Maverickismywingman · 23/01/2017 06:21

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks
It's up to you how it looks anyway. It's only pubic hair.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/01/2017 06:24

She said it is shit that op can find the time to have a smear, but not to have sex, so yeah, I think that IS what she is saying!

That statement you quote (if it is a quote?) clealy indicates that the poster means if the OP can find time to tidy her lady garden before going for a smear.

Not going for a smear itself. Nobody has implied the OP should not go for a smear.

Confused
AyeAmarok · 23/01/2017 06:25

different the PP was saying that the DH sees her making the effort of removing her pubic hair for a smear test. Not the effort to have a smear.

That's why the DH might feel a bit shit. Because she's so busy she can't wash her face or trim/shave, but she can find time to do it for the nurse.

tinydancer88 · 23/01/2017 06:27

I can see why you're both ticked off to be honest, but the sulking is definitely not going to change your mind about sex is it?

I too wouldn't bother trimming/shaving for a smear if I didn't normally. I make sure to wash/shower before I go but that's it.

bananaleaves · 23/01/2017 07:09

It was a childish comment, I'd cut him some slack though if he's otherwise been supportive.

Mindtrope · 23/01/2017 07:14

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying

Yes she would most likely faint.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 07:17

Wow, when did people get so get up about pubes?

Geraldthegiraffe · 23/01/2017 07:20

I don't understand why anyone would fund it mortyfying. Do they believe everyone is hairless? What do they think the hcp woukd think? Most hcp would think hair is completely normal and not bat an eyelid surely. I dont.really get it.Confused

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/01/2017 07:21

It's a very personal choice. But, your choice. Do you put the same grooming expectations onto him? Does he have to tend to his man-garden?

With regard to the smear, pubic hair or not, doesn't make the slightest difference.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 07:25

Where does it say the dh is putting grooming expectations on the op?

christinarossetti · 23/01/2017 07:31

Good for you for getting it together to have a smear test OP

Women often neglect their own health needs when they have a baby, so great that you haven't done this.

ClopySow · 23/01/2017 07:31

Monstrosity?

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