DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

[Hugedickasaurus]

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

Tell him to bugger off !! Doesn't he value your privacy ?

What is so shocking? Do you hide your body away from your partner?

brush and clean the coat of (a horse, dog, or other animal).
groom
ɡruːm/
verb

1. brush and clean the coat of (a horse, dog, or other animal).

"the horses were groomed and taken to shows" synonyms: curry, brush, comb, rub, rub down "she groomed her dark bay pony" 2. prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity. "star pupils who are groomed for higher things" synonyms: prepare, prime, make ready, ready, condition, tailor; More noun

So if you want to be well groomed you either

1. brush and clean your body hair - no scissors/razors/wax/ or involved.

or

1. you make yourself ready for either a) sexual activity or b) a medical examination.

a) doesn't seem to be on the cards at this moment in time, though man women - even after a difficult birth - may feel ready to resume sex by this point. b) if a clinic has any requirements about being ready for a procedure, these will be communicated to the patient in advance.

I quite like the idea of 'dark bay pony' as a euphemism. If we are ever scared to say vulva.

You clearly have issues with your body if you call your pubes a 'monstrosity'.
One woman's 'monstrosity' is another's lovely, soft , silky patch of welcoming hair :)

Exactly Soup I don't understand the shock, surely all partners catch at least a glimpse of a naked other half once in a while. Crikey, I'm always half dressed or mid dressed and I never lock or even close the bathroom door for a shower.

Anna if that is aimed at me I've already said sorry for my miss use of the word groomed!

If you get the sort of nurse that would laugh about your unshaved pubic hair, what do you think she would say about your fully shaved pubic area?! That looks just as bloody silly, or frankly more ridiculous, to the sort of person who is interested in laughing at people. If you hardly have time to wash your face normally, but can make the effort to shave all your pubic hair off for an unprofessional nurse, then I think you do need to reconsider what you actually have time and energy for, because clearly you do have the time to do a bit of personal grooming and face washing if you want to.

You clearly thinking that leaving it natural is "wrong" because you were adamant you wouldn't show yourself in that state to the nurse. So You basically admitted having pubic hair is unsightly so he's pindering why you then think it's OK not to trim it for him. I bet he got snapped cause to him it sounded like you want to put him off and don't want to have sex with him.

He got HUFFY not he got snapped..

BusterGonad

ImYourMama Mon 23-Jan-17 04:57:47

I'm really sorry OP but I can totally see his point, 8 months is a huge time to go without intimacy and regardless of your pubic hair style, he's probably feeling quite rejected. So seeing you find time to make the effort for a basic medical check and not for your sex life is a bit shit.

Aside from the issue of you feeling you need to do anything with your public hair, I am with your DH.

Maybe you don't feel like having sex and that's completely fine, but to care more about what you look like for the nurse than your DH must be hurtful for him.

You sound exhausted though, so I think this is more than lack of intimacy.

shaving it all off encourages STDs and infections

VeryBitchyRestingFace if you bother to read the thread you will see that it is in fact a direct quote...I am not in the habit of making up text just for the sake of it, thanks

And no, it doesn't read that the pp is saying it in relation to grooming herself, it reads to me that she thinks having sex should be more important to the op than a essential medical check. Therefore putting her dh's feelings ahead of her own medical health. If pp didn't mean that, she/he needs to word their posts better.

It's probably your abject horror that you could not possibly let a nurse see you in such a 'state', but it was clearly fine for him to, that bothered him?

Francis a few people! One a midwife.

Different the poster (Imyourmama) means to make the effort TO shave, not to go the the appointment itself, you are making out that that poster means to have sex and not visit the doctor. You are being ridiculous and taking snippets totally out of context.

I always think when you have small kids all over you all day the last thing you feel you want when the kids are asleep is a man pawing all over you as well. However sex makes me feel LOADS better and gives me a bit of a zing but it is awful thinking that every bit of intimacy is his way of getting to the inevitable shag he craves.

Also the weather is crap, cold and dark (presuming you are in the UK) which does nothing for your energy levels.

I agree with pp. You need to get yourself organised so that you have time to look after yourself, have a hot shower etc (not necessarily groom your bits if you don't want to)

I had an emc with my now 3 year old and I felt horrendous for ages afterwards so you have all my sympathy

Nurses really do not care about whether you have shaved or not before a smear test. They are far too busy thinking about when they can nip to the loo or have a cup of tea during a hectic day at a busy clinic. My friend is a family planning nurse and said that her worst smear patients are the ones who haven't showered for a few days and the ones who have sex half an hour before their appointment. Hair around genitals isn't relevant to a HCP.

Don't trim for the nurse. IMO she will see more untrimmed women that trimmed.

He should give his head a wobble and he's not alone.

Resenting the OP for trimming for the nurse and not for him is insensitive beyond belief. What is he, five years old?

Of course the exhausted OP is going to take more trouble for a one-off intimate personal check, that many find very embarrassing, with a complete stranger than with the man she married for "better or worse, in sickness and health".

And no, it doesn't read that the pp is saying it in relation to grooming herself, it reads to me that she thinks having sex should be more important to the op than a essential medical check. Therefore putting her dh's feelings ahead of her own medical health. If pp didn't mean that, she/he needs to word their posts better.

You are the only poster so far who has read the PP's post that way.

It is perfectly clear to me (and others) that PP did not intend her post to be interpreted the way you have.

There is nothing wrong with the way she has worded it (to anyone except you).

There's a lot of victim blaming going on in this thread

sorry op have never shaved for a nurse/doctor-i dont see the need

it was a flippant comment i see his point though

Nothing more unattractive than a sulky man. That attitude hardly makes you want to jump him there and then!
I get that 8 months is a long time to not be intimate and I do think you need to address that. But I wonder how much sex he would want if he'd had major abdominal surgery and then had to look after a baby during the time he needed to recover.
Hoe much help is he giving you OP. I can well understand you not wanting to sleep with him if his life has carried on pretty much as before, while you are in pain and exhausted. Getting back intimacy starts with him doing his share. I would still see a dr though about your physical discomfort.

I think that the joy of a long term committed relationship is that you can be yourself with the other person and not spend time faffing around trying to impress/not to shock them. You look after each other when you are ill and tired and grumpy and not at your best, physically or emotionally (although I think natural pubic hair is lovely and doesn't count as not best at all). And with that level of intimacy comes trust that means you feel comfortable taking risks for each other, whether that's sharing and trying out your kinkiest sexual fantasies, encouraging them to apply for a new job, or moving to a new country together. So I don't think it's a bad thing to behave differently towards someone that isn't your partner. It does sound as though you are missing out a bit on intimacy, which is pretty normal with a young baby. I think that as long as you both feel you are part of a team together, things will sort themselves out with time, sleep and conversation. If not, you probably need to start making sure that you both get a reasonable amount of sleep, time together and completely free time, and to start talking until you do feel in proper partnership again. And sex might be part of that, and it might not.

There are so many issues here.

Obviously, your dp is being a knob. That goes without saying.

But why do you find having normal adult pubic hair "mortifying"?