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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH made comment about my overgrown lady garden

210 replies

Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 01:30

Sorry if this is Tmi and I have NC changed for this for obvious reasons!

DH and I haven't been intimate since our DD was born 8 months ago . I had an emergency C section, the recovery from it was brutal, in agony for months, my belly looks like it is 5 months pregnant still and I just don't feel confident or sexy. I have no libido right now, however we are working on it and for the most part he has been understanding.

As I have no desire for DH to be anywhere near "that region", it has gone from looking like an arid desert to quite frankly, a rainforest. I just can't be bothered to groom it other than trim it every now and then, as I barely have time to wash my face properly with DD. DH has seen the monstrosity a few times while I've been getting out the shower and we've had a bit of a laugh about it.

I have a smear test tomorrow. I announced earlier that I was off to have a shower and to hack through the jungle ahead of the test. He asked me what I was going to do, I said "shave it all off". To which he asked "why, it's not like you know the nurse, is she really going to tell anyone you know that you have a huge bush?".

I looked at him incredulously and said there's absolutely no way I would go to a nurse without grooming myself because i would find it absolutely mortifying to which he got a bit annoyed and said something like "oh so you can do it for a random nurse who you don't know but you can't keep it tidy for your husband, right; ok then". He then walked off in a sulk to bed.

aibu to think that if we are not having sex, it's up to me how it looks, that there's a clear difference between grooming yourself for a smear test vs doing it for your husband when you actually have a libido?? Not sure if maybe he is frustrated at the lack of sex and used this as an opportunity to have a dig

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 13:19

I think leg shaving really took off in the 20s, and I bet there were quite a few women bleating then that it wasn't right or natural. I'm not sure why people get so arsey about it, if we didn't follow fashions we'd all be walking around with tits to our ankles and wearing animal skins.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 13:20

Of course its a fashion. Some fashions happen to last a very long time.

icanteven · 23/01/2017 13:21

OP - your GP is definitely not right to say "it may sort itself out" - it won't. It physically can't!

You should see a female GP with lots of experience muscle repair and childbirth, or a specialist personal trainer for a session or two, or just go to The Dia Method because you NEED your abdominal muscles! It has nothing to do with feeling sexy - you physically need them to support your body and your back.

Don't do crunches - they WON'T help the muscles to knit.

leedy · 23/01/2017 13:21

I'm not arsey about it, and I shave my legs myself, I'm just amused at people claiming that it isn't fashion and is somehow our Natural State Of Being For Millennia.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 13:21

Calling something a fashion doesn't mean its bad. Its just acknowledging its what's 'in' right now.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 13:24

I crossed post with you Leedy, i mean all the posters who constantly bang on about it when ever there's a to wax or not wax post etc. surely it's up to the individual to do as they please? I don't why pro bush people need to make out shavers trimers are weird or wrong or doing it for men.

leedy · 23/01/2017 13:24

"Don't do crunches - they WON'T help the muscles to knit."

THIS. I didn't have any abdominal problems but did a postnatal Pilates class that was really helpful for my back, and the instructor was very emphatic about how any women who still had any abdominal separation or problems in that area shouldn't do certain exercises.

EveOnline2016 · 23/01/2017 13:24

My pubic area goes from bare to natural depending on my mood.

DH doesn't give a damn what my pubic area looks like.

DH doesn't care how often we have sex either, because of my Heath issues he would rather have sex when we both want it.

Op it's good that you are working on your low sex drive, but only work on it if you want to resume that part of your relationship. Don't rush.

BroomstickOfLove · 23/01/2017 13:28

In my youth, the only people I knew who removed all or most of their pubic hair also had genital piercings, wore a lot of leather and rubber and went to sex clubs/parties. I have only a tiny sprinkling of grey hairs.

BroomstickOfLove · 23/01/2017 13:28

On my head. I was referring to age, not pubic hair grooming. Blush

CaraAspen · 23/01/2017 13:30

Why do women who do not remove leg, underarm and pubic hair get so aggressive about the fact that a lot of women do?
It's baffling. Or is it? Perhaps it's defensiveness...

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 13:33

Which posts were "so aggressive?" Cara.

Iamastonished · 23/01/2017 13:35

Perhaps some of them just think it's odd Cara. I'm 58, and in my youth only legs and armpits were defuzzed. TBH until I joined MN I didn't know that anything else was considered de rigeur by many women.

morecynicalthanVimes · 23/01/2017 13:40

if you suffer from discharge

? Everyone gets discharge - it's a normal and healthy part of having a vagina? OP, maybe you have specific health or other issues around this, but you do seem to have some personal discomfort with the normal & healthy operation of your body. A full bush is fine, it's not in any way unsightly or unhealthy, and nor is your normal vaginal discharge. Has your husband actually been commenting negatively on your bush, or have you been doing that yourself to displace your own discomfort?

I don't think anyone's criticising women who choose to remove their body hair, just pointing out that it is in fact a fashion - and that that's not a judgement. It has been a fairly longstanding fashion in the case of legs, but that doesn't make it not a fashion, and it is still a lot more recent than many might assume. And although removing pubic hair has been good for reducing pubic lice, there are other ways to deal with those and no significant health benefits/need to remove hair for "hygiene".

Also LOLing at the idea that shaving pubic hair can be described as "comfortable". Grin

Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 13:45

I know that every woman gets discharge, I'm referring more to the infected variety which often is not pleasant in odour. No I'm not talking from experience and that's not why I usually shave, but if I did have an infection of some sort that resulted in said discharge, I would remove hair down there. That's what I would do, if YOU wouldn't then I am not judging you

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 13:48

Ooh, that would be a mistake because you're more likely to get painful discharge and infections if you do remove hair.

Anyway, best of luck, OP. Hope you and DH are feeling positive today.

GabsAlot · 23/01/2017 13:51

i wa always told it was more hygenic not to shave dont know if it true

nice to hear from nurses that theyre not bothered though

Original poster
Hugedickasaurus · 23/01/2017 13:55

Thanks Birdy, he seemed ok this morning but think I will broach it with him this evening and also reassure him that the day he is allowed to touch me will come soon and that it's not because I don't "want" him. Feel dreadful that he might think that.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 13:59

I thought trimming your pubic hairs has been around for years. Surly at least 10 to 15. That's a fairly long time in terms of fashion.

BreatheDeep · 23/01/2017 14:04

It's actually more hygienic to keep the hair. Just thought I'd put that out there.

www.nhs.uk/news/2016/07July/Pages/Many-women-think-shaving-pubic-hair-is-hygienic.aspx

Geraldthegiraffe · 23/01/2017 14:07

Cara - I'm not defensive, happy for people to be shaved/unshaven or die their hair rainbow colours and plait it.

What it think is sad is when people assume its a norm (it isn't, it's a v recent fashion - unheard of when I was young) to the extent that women like the OP end up feeling mortified when they haven't done it. It sometimes helps on a public forum to realise its not "everybody" or "expected."

As for clean, comfortable and the norm. That's great if it makes you feel like that.

It's actually considered more hygienic to keep it. I wouldn't consider regular waxings comfortable (but understand others views may vary) and I'm not sure it's yet the norm. Perhaps the majority among the younger age group.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 23/01/2017 14:08

Of course fashions can last over 15 years Confused

Sidge · 23/01/2017 14:09

AnnieAnoniMouse LOL no not me, I'm not an ex-midwife and am now in the South West. (Used to be central South coast).

I've been a practice nurse for 17 years now and have definitely seen changes over the years in trends for pubic topiary. When I started out, most women were largely au naturel and just shaved or trimmed the sides or length to halt the 'smuggling spiders' look. Over the last 7-8 years or so my colleagues and I have definitely noticed that more women (and more middle aged and older women) take it all off, or at least the majority.

I can honestly say that your pubes are not an issue when having a smear. The nurse has to part the labia to access the vagina and then cervix so whether you're hairy or smooth doesn't change the technique at all!

I would say though, don't wash too vigorously before your smear as some natural lubrication makes the process more comfortable for you. Just a normal wash or shower that morning is fine. We need to avoid using lubricant (it can affect the sample) so you don't want to be too dry.

Geraldthegiraffe · 23/01/2017 14:10

Buster, even at 10 years most adult women will have been old enough to have had time where they consider pubes completely normal.and healthy. In the extent of history 10 years is short. I understand it may not feel.like it if someone is 25 or under so has grown.up thinking its a "norm". You hardly see other women's bits to know, so only have close friendship group to go on.

BusterGonad · 23/01/2017 14:25

That's true the younger you are the more normal it is. I would never get a full wax as I'm not brave enough and I personally think it's too much to remove, I have a electric trimmer. It's quick and easy and makes me feel tidy and groomed. I just don't like the feel of a lot of hair down there and it ruins the look of nice underwear imo, and I defiantly do not do it to resemble a porn star, and find it insulting to have people say that is the reason. I also do not do it for men as even if I was single I wouldn't be sporting a full grown bush either. I know all my friends trim and wax too, it is very much the norm in my social circle.