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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 07/01/2017 14:57

Why would you consider excluding them?

Are you already living with your DF? Are your DF's children attending?

user1481795553 · 07/01/2017 14:57

Have you considered that by excluding your dcs from the wedding you are essentially telling them that you and your new husband are a new family that they are not really part of. I know it sounds harsh, and the wedding can be simple with dcs there but you are not just marrying the person you love, you are bringing someone else into the family formally. Its important for your children to be a part of this.

pringlecat · 07/01/2017 14:57

Well, who would be at the ceremony? Just you two and witnesses? Whether or not they find it unreasonable when older and looking back will probably depend on who went instead of them.

ConvincingLiar · 07/01/2017 14:59

It's a bit mean. Let them come but have the low key ceremony you want.

ageingrunner · 07/01/2017 15:00

I wouldn't do it. Won't they be disappointed?

Snowflakes1122 · 07/01/2017 15:00

Yabu to not include them. This could easily hurt their feelings.

ParksAndWreck · 07/01/2017 15:00

Why don't you ask them? Not in a "Is it ok if I don't invite you..." way, but in a "We're thinking of getting married on a school day, unless you really want to be there? Of course you'd be at the celebration afterwards, without the boring ceremony" way.

Littleballerina · 07/01/2017 15:01

Why can't you have them there?

Redglitter · 07/01/2017 15:01

Why do you not want them there?

Ilovecaindingle · 07/01/2017 15:01

Why would you not want them to be part of the ceremony??

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 07/01/2017 15:01

It would be a really bad idea in my opinion to exclude them from such an important day. Especially since the man you're marrying isn't their father. They may well feel hurt and excluded. And demoted in your affections.

It will still be a tiny wedding with your kids there.

PurpleDaisies · 07/01/2017 15:02

Do you mean not inviting them?

My dad did this and it's really hurt our relationship. No way I'd exclude my own children if I were in your situation.

TheNaze73 · 07/01/2017 15:03

YANBU, if it's what you want, go for it

Isadora2007 · 07/01/2017 15:03

Yes you would be very unreasonable. Your marriage should be about you all becoming a family. And if you're only focussed on you as part of a couple that's a really bad sign.

VimFuego101 · 07/01/2017 15:03

You can have a low key registry office do and still have them there, I don't understand why you wouldn't want them to be there.

ApollO88 · 07/01/2017 15:05

My mother and step father did this. It did not go down well with me or other 3 siblings. My mother regretted it pretty much as soon as she had done this.

Finola1step · 07/01/2017 15:06

I do think it is a bit odd. I get the no fuss wedding, I really do. I had one myself (less than 20 people). This was pre dc but if I had dc then, they would have been top of the list. A way of cementing our new family together.

Is there a specific reason for not wanting your dc there?

Crispbutty · 07/01/2017 15:06

If you were literally going into the registry office to sign then going back to work fair enough but if you are having any type of celebration at all then of course your children should be included.

FinnegansCake · 07/01/2017 15:06

Your DC may not be too bothered now, but in later years might wonder why they were excluded.

CoffeeDiamonds · 07/01/2017 15:06

I had 3DCs under 7 when I married, secretly. Kids were at school. I told them the next day and they were delighted. They didn't miss much - it was a registry office and not what the kids would have considered a 'proper wedding' like Cinderella.

We had a fab party later on and they had the chance to wear the posh clothes, have buffet food and do a bit of dancing.

Everyone's a winner Grin

YouHadMeAtCake · 07/01/2017 15:06

YABU and very selfish. Why on earth would you exclude them? Weird.

Boolovessulley · 07/01/2017 15:06

I'm on the fence as I think of I got married again I wouldn't want anyone else their except myself and the groom.
My dcs are older though.
My oh also has adult children so maybe it's not the same situation as you're in.

Misselthwaite · 07/01/2017 15:07

I wouldn't to be honest. My friend got married just the two of them and left out his two daughters of 11 and 12. Talking to them it was clear it was all about their great romance and how in love they were. Whereas they were in effect becoming a family and his daughters were central to it or at least that's how I would have seen it. They've since split less than 9 months of wedded bliss and I often wonder what his daughters thought of the whole business.

It doesn't have to be a big do you could get married and then take the kids to pizza hut! No need for fancy outfits or flowers unless you want it. Personally I would have been gutted to not be a bridesmaid at those ages but you may have boys.

Scooby20 · 07/01/2017 15:07

Why would you want to?

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/01/2017 15:10

One of my friends was married without her husband's children there despite many of us telling her she was making a mistake and her husband being upset . The children have never forgiven her.