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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 07/01/2017 18:52

you cant exclude your own children. Just not worth the potential headfuck for them. They are the most important people you could invite, and should invite them even if noone else

MistressDeeCee · 07/01/2017 18:53

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN I read the OP's posts. I still somehow wondered tho if he was part of the "why" really, re the DCs not being wanted at the wedding, despite it being said here yes he is cool with it. Thats it really on my 1 opinion amongst numerous

Thingvellir · 07/01/2017 18:54

I agree with Thethings. The real issue here is not resolved by you now agreeing to 'let' your DC come - why wouldn't you want your DC to come? I can't get my head round this, and think it's terribly sad.

likewhatevs · 07/01/2017 18:55

My parents (dad and step mum) got married without us. They didn't want any fuss. They just wanted to be 'legal'. I didn't give a shit when I was 10. I still don't...

Mynestisfullofempty · 07/01/2017 18:56

MistressDeeCee your post makes it seem as if you want to blame the man in this situation regardless of what the OP has said.

I8toys · 07/01/2017 19:01

Please include your children. Just have a big knees up - everyone having a good time.

Patriciathestripper1 · 07/01/2017 19:03

Can't believe you are actually asking??
Do you have birthday parties without them to?

BroomstickOfLove · 07/01/2017 19:17

If I were to get married, I would do the legal bit without the DC, because it's £150 more to have any guests other than the two witnesses, and any wedding I had would be super-cheap. But I would probably get them dressed up along with any other close friends or family who wanted to celebrate and we would head off to the park to say our vows in front of them and have a picnic or head home for cake or something.

BroomstickOfLove · 07/01/2017 19:24

Having said that, lots of the responses here are the reason why I'm not married - I really don't want a wedding, and for every poster who berates unmarried parents for not getting married when you only need a few hundred quid and two witnesses, there's another one talking about how the lack of invitation forever soured a close relationship.

gttia · 07/01/2017 20:54

My ex husband did this. Two children were upset and still are xx

Allthewaves · 07/01/2017 21:01

go on holiday with kids, get married on beach, kids can wear swim trunks

grobagsforever · 07/01/2017 21:30

YADBU. My dad did this. To be honest I've never forgiven him. Don't do it. Please.

BIgBagofJelly · 07/01/2017 21:43

I had about the least fussy ceremony ever; registry office, dress from H&M in the sale (£3!), a few witnesses and that was it. If we had had DC's at the time I don't see why bringing them would increase the fuss at all, just pop down to the registry office have the shortest ceremony then pop over to the party. If anything it's simpler as you don't need to ask someone to look after them.

MeekyChunky · 07/01/2017 21:44

My dad and stepmum did this. He told me casually a few weeks after, the next time I saw him. I was in my 20s and lived two hours away. Still upsets me to think about it. Really fucked me up because I had done nothing wrong to be excluded like that. Her (also adult) kids went to the wedding. (As guests not as witnesses. They took some friends for that).

He lied to me about it when I got upset as he was telling me the news and pretended it was an impulse unplanned thing with no one else there. Obviously I now know that is bullshit.
And there was a big family party a few weeks later that I felt I had to go to and pretend I was fine with it. I should have stayed away.
I got married myself years later and that brought it all up again for me very hurtfully because I would never not have invited him.
And at that point I realised as I gave notice of my/our wedding that you can't just 'walk in off the street and get married' without planning it.. more lies.

It's permanently affected my feelings towards both of them and made me feel excluded and humiliated by my dad who I loved and trusted. Plus her, her children, their friends. Completely fucking unnecessary.

My mum revelling in what a cunt he was to do it when I told her about it didn't help me feel better.

If they had said in advance they wanted a private wedding alone I'd have been disappointed but not felt ostracised. (Inviting some of the couple's kids but not others, is just nasty though).

I don't think your kids are old enough to have to process your preferences though so I would just invite them OP. And his kids if he has any, obviously..

Blondienut · 07/01/2017 21:48

We got married without our kids, I have one aged 6 and she has 10 and 16yr old. It was bliss and amazing and we did exactly the right thing for us. Had a party about a month later that all kids were included in and they had a ball. Our everyday lives revolve around our kids and we wanted our marriage to be just us two. The kids were not in the slightest bit sad or annoyed the way we did it.

MsJudgemental · 07/01/2017 21:49

Weird. Just weird.

Blondienut · 07/01/2017 21:50

he has 10 and 16yr old I mean!

BroomstickOfLove · 08/01/2017 08:53

BigBagofJelly as I said earlier, if you bring your children with you they count as guests and you have to use the bigger room rather than just the office which is £150 more expensive on weekdays and even more expensive than that on Fridays and Saturdays. So it isn't always as simple as just bringing them along.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/01/2017 09:46

I'm so glad you've changed your mind.

I would also point out in a nice way that it seems your anxieties are ruling you about this whole thing. And I'd be wanting to dig into what's happening inside me before I'd start making any major decisions, especially if those decisions are about excluding very close family.

Although you said you want a 'bish bash bosh' wedding, and gave it as your excuse for not inviting your children, if you are thinking about very special clothes (and a Star Wars dress is bloody special! Doesn't make it less special because its unconventional, in fact imo it makes it's more so), you are making the ceremony special.

Even if you can't see it (because of your anxieties?), your children will definitely be able to see the gap between what you say your wedding is, and the preciousness you are actually putting on it. And ifsthis kind of inconsistency which causes so much hurt either at the time or when the children have grown up enough to put their own interpretation on events.

Including your closest family (your 'dependents'), and only them is 'a thing'. Much more acceptable than excluding the children from the moment you make and celebrate being a family together. Adults can generally bounce back from not being involved more than children. However, I would be viewing this next panic as something to unpick and work out why you are so anxious you'd rather exclude your children than somehow feel obligated to invite parents... Is there a reason you don't want your and his parents? Or is it that unless you are an Iron Lady inviting no one under any circumstances, you believe it will spiral out of control?

missm0use · 08/01/2017 10:23

My DM got married on Friday (2 days ago). I was not invited, and my now step-father's children were not invited.

I am feeling incredibly hurt, unloved, feeling excluded from that part of my family and my extended family and completed rejected by my own parent!

As a result of her actions we are no longer in contact. In fact we are now completely non-contact.

There are several other reasons that have lead to this point and I would have probably been going low contact anyway with her but this singular act has caused me unforgivable hurt and there's no going back.

I'm not saying that your children would feel the same but they may have some similar feelings.

bonfireheart · 08/01/2017 11:42

You will regret not inviting them, more than you will ever regret actually inviting them.

Boolovessulley · 08/01/2017 12:04

Can I ask how people feel if all the dcs are adults and the wedding would take place abroad, somewhere very couples based?

I'm asking for myself here if we fid decide to get married.

I'm not step mum to my ohs dcs and vice Versa.

It's not imminent but I really don't want a fuss and don't want anyone else there but equally don't want to scar gone dcs.

Btw I really really wanted to get married abroad for my gist wedfing( pre dc) but ex h parents refused to come so I compromised.

Boolovessulley · 08/01/2017 12:05

Also the destination would be quite boring got the dc and expensive and I'd hate to think it was a waste of money for the dc.

bonfireheart · 08/01/2017 12:07

"Waste of money" you're kids watching you get married? Boring? The ceremony is quick and over fast, I don't understand why kids need to constantly be entertained.

PP - with adult children you can ask them if they want to attend or would prefer a family meal together afterwards.

SheldonCRules · 08/01/2017 12:07

I don't think it matters the age of the children other than if they are adults you ask if they would like to join you.

Excluding parents or children from a wedding sends a very clear message that those people weren't important enough in your life to witness your vows.

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