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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
unicornpoopoop · 07/01/2017 15:22

I got married just the two of us... Children didn't come. No one even questioned it. Didn't realise anyone would find it an issue.

PurpleDaisies · 07/01/2017 15:23

How old are your children unicorn?

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2017 15:23

As a parent I would like to be there. However if that's not what you wanted then it's up to you and I would have to suck it up.

But you really must have your DC there.

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:23

Don't get this wrong. He is very good with the kids. Awesome.

This is me thinking. So I'm the shit one ;)

I just generally don't know if this was a thing that would affect them. Now I do, so will be looking for geeky outfits for them to wear (if they want to) .

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:24

My parents are in the UK.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 07/01/2017 15:26

My kids would have been devastated to not be at our wedding :(

No one else needs to be there, but they do.

TitaniasCloset · 07/01/2017 15:26

Geeky outfits? This whole post has me very puzzled.

Chippednailvarnishing · 07/01/2017 15:28

You're sounding like they are an afterthought to you.

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:28

Haha Titania. More of a nod to me looking at a star wars dress to wear. I wouldn't force them to wear something they don't want to. Bit of a misguided joke.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/01/2017 15:28

Does your partner have children?

WildBelle · 07/01/2017 15:30

I just asked dd(12). She is the voice of reason.

She said 'well yeah, who wouldn't invite their kids?'.

Then she said ask the kids and if they want to go then invite them.

ListenIda · 07/01/2017 15:30

You seem to be making a whole set of slightly unwarranted assumptions, like that if you include your children, you have to have a big white wedding with ushers and first dances and a row of matching bridesmaids toning with the wedding favours? Just do exactly the kind of low key thing you want, but with your children there. You don't need to invite your parents. You don't need fancy outfits/flowers/elaborate vows and music.

scottishdiem · 07/01/2017 15:30

I think kids have to be there but very other relative - including parents can be left out. That said, if set of parents on one side have to be there then so do the other side if you see what I mean.

DP and I got married without anyone but witnesses and then had a party/event a year later. If we had kids then they would have been there and that would have been it. I think the 11 y/o would be especially hurt tbh.

unicornpoopoop · 07/01/2017 15:31

Purple - at the time they would have been about 3 and 6

mummyof2pr · 07/01/2017 15:32

I think it's fine if you're doing a small ceremony. However I would have a small celebration or dinner with the kids to make them feel included!

liletsthepink · 07/01/2017 15:33

Do you get on well with your parents and your DF's parents? Having parents at your wedding is a special memory once they are no longer around but it depends if you are close to them.

I completely understand not wanting a huge fuss or a fancy, expensive wedding but having parents and children there won't cost anything extra at the ceremony.

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:33

Chipping - they really are not. They are our everything. Their dad is engaged too. Pretty sure they will do the whole big wedding with bridesmaids and whatnot.

Fair enough. That's just not me. I just would like to go away somewhere and get married, just the two of us and come home and have a party.

I now see that it is pretty selfish to not include the dc. Please don't see that as me not wanting them. I just genuinely didn't know if it would be a big deal to them or not. And thanks for the answers, they will be there :)

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:37

Imperial - no he does not. But this is all me. He has said that the kids and parents should be there.

This is me and my anxieties.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 07/01/2017 15:37

It will be lovely op. You can bring the DC in school uniform, skip school for the morning, older DC can take photos on phone when you sign the book...low-key but very special. The registrars are usually v good/kind.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 15:38

Do you, and he, see yourself & the children as 'a family' or do you, & he, see yourselves as a couple and YOU have children?

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 07/01/2017 15:38

You'll have a great day and you'll look back and be so happy that your kids were part of it all 👰

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:40

We are very much a family.

OP posts:
noeffingidea · 07/01/2017 15:40

TinyRick why do you want it to be 'just the two of us'? Surely it should be 'just the four of us'? I am genuinely puzzled as to why anyone would want to exclude their own children from their wedding.
I mean my daughter is severely autistic and it really wouldn't mean much to her but I would feel really horrible to exclude her.

Talcott2007 · 07/01/2017 15:45

My DM and DSF got married when I was 11 and DSSis was 6. They went away for the weekend and just got married in a registry office - went into the oxfam next door and asked if anyone's would be their witnesses! I get why they did it this way (as an adult) but I was really devastated that I didn't get to be a bridesmaid

5moreminutes · 07/01/2017 15:45

Could you just ask the older one? 5 year olds say some random things, but 11 year olds can be rather sensible and eloquent, as well as honest given the chance...

You can have just the 4 of you assuming your fiancée doesn't have kids.

The dress comments makes me think it isn't such a non event for you though :o You want a non traditional wedding, but if you are looking for a specific special dress don't kid yourself the ceremony is just admin to you Wink

I think we all know people who have downplayed their wedding and tried to make it sound as though the ceremony is just an inconvenient formality but actually spent months and months planning all the details, and casually let it be known a couple of days before hand that its quite important to them that everyone wears orange, or made a big entrance/ exit on a horse, or had a medieval style dress hand made for the non event ... :o

Its not a bad thing at all, just an observation that if you are looking for a very unique and special outfit that is symbolic of your relationship or identity or favourite things, it probably isn't just paperwork...

As your 11 yo whether he/she wants to come, tell them it will not be a weddingy wedding, just 10 minutes without guests or anything and might be boring, before the party and see what reply you get.