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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 16:31

BlueClearSkies I really wanted an Elvis singer at my wedding, DH was not keen! I think that your kids didn't want to come and you went away to get married and had a party all meant it was totally fine for your kids. It all worked out which was fab.Can I ask if they were older than the OP's kids?

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 16:35

birdybirdywoofwoof "Ds was! - and he looked lovely of course!"

Sorry that was a thoughtless comment of mine. That's great, that he was happy and looked fab.

My dd's school uniform is pretty horrible, really not nice at all, I can't imagine her wanting to go anywhere except school in it. But I do acknowledge all kids are different, as are all school uniforms. Thanks

ohtheholidays · 07/01/2017 16:37

What ever you do do not exclude your DC my DH was excluded from his Dad's wedding when he was 8,he's 34 now and he's never forgiven his Dad or his Dad's wife!

A marriage is a celebration of love and your DC should be a part of that love.What's a better way of starting a new family life together than the people that are most important to you,your DC being involved in the wedding!

It doesn't have to change your wedding day to a massive celebration you can still have just the 4 of you,get the DC a nice outfit each and go out for a nice meal afterwards.

whattheseithakasmean · 07/01/2017 16:39

Those of you who married without inviting your children - was the man you were marrying your children's father.? Because I do think that makes a difference.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 16:39

I think it's far less important that the children are there if their biological parents are getting married, than if there is a step parent involved.

If he wants all the parents there, then I think you really have to accept that. I think it's beyond awful to make him leave his parents out (unless there's an actual issue with them).

It's still going to be a tiny wedding and they're your family there's really nothing to be anxious about 💐

Imbroglio · 07/01/2017 16:39

You are unlikely to regret bringing the children all that much, especially if its a quick, low key affair. You could come to regret not including them very much indeed.

TheGoblinQueen2711 · 07/01/2017 16:41

I haven't read the full thread, but I wasn't at my fathers wedding when he married his second wife. I was 4.
I am now 30 and it still hurts me. It's one of many things they did that hurt me over the years to be honest. But it was a big thing that hurt me, and I always felt excluded from their lives.
So personally I would say YABU.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 16:45

AtrociousCircumstance "It does feel as if there is some emotion or desire motivating it which contradicts what you're saying about a big happy family."

I do hope the OP will answer this.

I am not sure I see it the same way as you, AtrociousCircumstance but only the OP can answer really.

By just musing I think the OP has some anxiety issues which are affecting her choices.

If that is the case I would want to explore these anxieties (I had CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for anxiety almost 20 years ago and it revolutionized my life). Getting beyond any anxiety could mean the OP can have the wedding she really wants and know why she makes the choices.

Rather than making decisions out of anxiety.

Although I could be totally wrong about this, it has been known before.

Blush
Areyoulocal · 07/01/2017 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 07/01/2017 16:46

No worries- Ds is not interested in clothes. Dd was only 1 at the time of the wedding so had no say in her outfit (ha) but you're right, she would protest school uniform!

BorisJohnsonsHair · 07/01/2017 16:46

I completely understand OP. We just wanted to be married, rather than have a wedding. So we only told the 2 witnesses, and told our parents and DCs afterwards. You have to do it your own way; it's your marriage after all.

Proudmummytodc2 · 07/01/2017 16:48

I haven't RTFT I have just asked my DD (3) nearly 4 and DS (5) nearly 6 and in their words:

DD: I would be angry mummy I want to watch you and my daddy marry.

DS: I would be so mad Mum because we are a family and are supposed to be together.

I have now advised them that it wasn't me who is considering it I'm just reading something on the internet and they said "thank god because we want to be there too"

My DP said it makes it look like your are not including them as you see yourself and your DP as a new family and them just as your children from your previous relationship. Like an afterthought by not including them.(he is not saying this is true just what it 'looks like')

Not being rude just giving our opinions we think it's wrong to not include them but ultimately that is up to you to decide and it's your wedding and life.

TheCakes · 07/01/2017 16:49

My kids' dad did this. Just them, parents, siblings and a few close friends. But not his kids.
I was fuming and hurt on their behalf.

GinIsIn · 07/01/2017 16:52

I won't repeat that you would BU to leave your DC out as you seem to have got the message already, but re parents - you wouldn't BU if that's what you both wanted, but if he wants his parents there it's really unfair to deny him that!

FitbitAddict · 07/01/2017 16:52

DH and I married last year, just us and wedding planner and photographer as witnesses in Gibraltar. We invited his parents (even though I've never met them) and mine but neither wanted to attend. My mum would have had to come alone as dad was already busy elsewhere on the date we booked (had to be in school hols). We agreed that if my mum came she would also bring my 16yo DD. We did not invite his 7yo DD as we did not want to involve her mother in the planning of our wedding, plus she lives 300 miles away from us.

We don't regret it at all and DD says she's fine with not attending but would have liked a short break in Gibraltar!

GloriaGaynor · 07/01/2017 16:53

A good friend of mine wasn't invited to her mother's marriage to her stepfather (whom they lived with), it still bothers her and she's 50.

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 07/01/2017 16:57

My dad did this and it's really hurt our relationship. No way I'd exclude my own children if I were in your situation.

Same here. My sibling feels the same.

Sara107 · 07/01/2017 16:59

I think you need to have your children there. But they won't be old enough to witness so you'll need two others - doesn't need to be anyone you know, you can ask if any of the staff from the registery office would do it, or offer a random couple of people off the street £20 for 20 mins of their time. You don't have to have anyone else, and don't need to have any extras in the ceremony beyond the bare essentials that the registrar has to go through - no music, readings, hand crafted vows etc. Bish bosh,15 mins and you're done. But don't exclude your children. You're formalising the dfs role in their lives as well as your own.

BratFarrarsPony · 07/01/2017 17:00

oh yes my dad got married and did not even tell us. The only reason I knew was because of the half eaten wedding cake in the kitchen.
Marriage is about starting a new family. If you want to exclude your own children from that, then dont be surprised if you have trouble in the future.

liletsthepink · 07/01/2017 17:02

Remember that it's your DP's wedding day too. If he wants all the parents there as well as the children it seems right to do that.

TheAntiBoop · 07/01/2017 17:12

Is this your dps first wedding? If so, I would respect his wish to have his parents there.

MillyDLA · 07/01/2017 17:14

Please include your children. One of the worst things that happened to my children during a long period of lies by my adulterous (husband at the time) but ExH by the time of his wedding ( obviously!) and his Gf was them returning from a holiday in America and telling our children 'look at my ring, I am married now'.
To have a four year old in tears and refuse to go to school and a six year old laying sobbing in bed that evening was horrible, but worse than that was the six year old crying with the words 'mammy we are second best aren't we' and going on to say 'daddy likes (add new wife's name) better than us'. It was heartbreaking.

Notsoskinnyminny · 07/01/2017 17:18

We went abroad without DCs who were all teens at the time. They were invited but said our venue was boring and didn't want to come although we might've got a different response if we'd gone to the caribbean. We'd both had the big white family wedding first time round and hardly had a minute with our new husband/wife because we had to be sociable to ancient great aunts and dad's work colleagues (who we've never seen since!) and it was lovely to have a day just for us.

RortyCrankle · 07/01/2017 17:19

I'm trying to figure out how you would even consider not having the (presumably) two most important people in your life at your wedding? Sorry but it seems very strange.

Ginkypig · 07/01/2017 17:23

I haven't read the full thread but.

My mother did this when she married my stepdad.
I didn't realise at the time but I did have a vague memory of them being dressed up before we were sent to school one day.

but as an adult I know that what I remember is them getting ready for the ceremony (registry office) and now know they had a lunch after.

Iv never told her but actually it really hurts that she (in my eyes) couldn't be arsed with having her kids there, that we weren't important enough to her for her to want us see her start her new marriage to a man who was to become our 2nd father

Of course you don't need to invite anyone else but the point of your marriage is to formalise your new family unit so why wouldnt you want the other half of that unit to share that with you.

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